Cole Mine Date

First up, I'm a bitch sometimes and I know it. Strike me dead. 


I'm a snot. I'm a pain. I'm an intellectual snob. I "tend to spend time on ideas and projects devoid of practical value. . .but replete with entertaining possibilities." There was a time I got into a vicious fight with a roommate I didn't care for because I involuntarily sneered whenever she said something stupid. I used to think to myself that if I could hear what she was thinking, all I'd get was elevator music. I have since learned to curb the outward showing of distain and also gather more charity for people who don't think like me. But every so often that biting monster creeps out and strains against my mental leash. I must be tired because all the drive home I kept telling myself DOWN BOY. But now I'm in my private blog I can say whatever I want. 


Now that that's admitted I want to show a great example of why I'm such a bitch. Because I consider the date I went on just now a total waste of time. I knew I didn't want to go. There were a ton of other things I would rather have been doing. But this guy has been hinting and inviting and persuing me for some 4 years. Finally, I gave in and told him a random date that I  thought I wouldn't have anything else planned. Why is it that directly after setting the date, a million other things I really wanted to do popped up? I know I'm not interested in this guy. Worse, I think to spend any time with him intimately or alone is a waste of my time. Maybe not his time- because he so very much enjoys me. But this kind of person....bugs me. It's the kind of person who has three reining attributes. The first is, they are not very astute, bright, unique, kind, interesting, talented, or particularly outstanding in any way- but they THINK they are. (BUT LAWZY WHO AM I TO SAY A PERSON IS NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS? I'M NOT THE SIMON COWELL OF A PERSON'S WORTH. BITCH.) Second, they think that their "novel" world view gives them the right (NAY THE DUTY) to analyze and criticize me. And thirdly, they tend to REALLY LIKE spending time with me. You know, I might go far as to say because they like me and I'm different (but not better) than them, they love to criticize me. Why would I enjoy that? WHY? WHY DO I AGREE TO THIS? I can't hate to have to sit there and take whatever pious judgement they make with patience- because I swear I always try to. Try to take in their appraisal as a valued opinion from a peer but sometimes... it can be so hard to listen dispassionately. 


But you can already tell something is wrong with this particular person because you'd think after 4 years of my being too busy to hang out, they'd get it through their skull that I'm not interested. I'm not interested. I'M NOT INTERESTED. So when he started the date off by telling me I seem more open though text but very disingenuous (I came up with that word for him) face to face. Is that some kind of compliment that I just don't understand? Let me enlighten you buddy. I seem that way because maybe I don't want to be here but I'm trying to be nice and enjoy myself anyway. Saying stuff like that doesn't make me want to be more 'real' with you. It makes me want to slug you and go to the movies with my friends. Three times in this evening he went back again to something I had done wrong. The way I talk is too matter-of-fact (maybe because you're wrong (which, by the way, he admitted prior to the debate)), I don't make him nervous (YEAH RIGHT) but there is something about me that makes him thiiiiink too much (DOI DOI DOI DOI DOI), I'm too closed off with my arms crossed (because every time you put me down to make yourself feel smarter and holier, I want to be here less and less.)


 I tried to explain this but I'm pretty sure it went right over his head. I think this because at the end of my explaination, he agreed with me. I think I lost him somewhere in the middle and he realized there would be no way of arguing himself out of this paper bag. What I wrote here might not make much sense but I'm too frenzied right now to go back and clear it up.


I paid for the meal. That way I wouldn't have to feel guilty about being genuinely bugged. It really ticks me off when these self-important psudo intellectuals take it upon themselves to fix me. So why is it, if there is SO MUCH that's wrong with me, do they keep talking to me? Why after all this did he invite me back to his place? (I turned him down btw.)  I feel like my unique personality is being used for his personal enteratinment. I am not a game or a puzzle or your chance at feeling smarter than you are.  To me, you obviously don't know what you're talking about. Stop pretending. Buuuuuuuut I'm a NICE girl who would neeeeeever tell someone I don't enjoy being with them because they're an IDIOT. The closest thing I got is to tell him that being with 'people' is draining to me. Being with humanity IS draining. But being with the right person is like a hawaii vacation. 


You, sir, are like the cole mines. 


Oh my gosh, I am a total snot. I'll never get into heaven. For even thinking this blog entry, I prove to be a bad person with a lot of charity left to learn. So I'm going to post it as an example of something I need to change...


Please forgive me for this.