what doesn't kill you

I dunno.
But I'm up at 2:30.
I have a lot of things to say but some of them aren't ripe yet and other have rotted off the tree. Such old and repetitive news shouldn't mar these posts. Some other things are so private, they should only be documented and kept secret by the most intense means: My own handwriting. Let's see... what's safe?

I miss Jeremy. I know I've been far too busy to chat with him like we used to. It bothers me that I seem to be missing a major puzzle piece in the seemingly monumental moment of his life. I wonder if it's because I've been so busy? Or is something wrong? or is he worried and doesn't want to think about it? I'm worried about him but there isn't anything I can do. Plus, I'm kinda tired of having to drag details out of him. It's like pulling teeth sometimes.

I was talking to Tim today and was reminded again why I should find more friends who appreciate me for just being myself. If you want to talk about exhaustion, try adjusting your personality for everyone's tastes. Frankly, it can make being a maid difficult at times. Crushed between two expectations.

But tonight I had dinner with Mackenzie whom I missed greatly these past few months. I told her offhandedly that I was too dramatic and was working very hard not to be so. But she immediately corrected me with words I wish I could recall more precisely. She told me that I *was* expressive and enthusiastic. But, she said, I was not unrealistic or over dramatic (she put her wrist to her head and pretended to faint- which made me laugh.)  She likes that I enjoy life and want to express myself.

Even though we were in a restaurant, it almost made me want to cry.


...During the time that I wrote this entry I've been chatting with an old lost friend who just saw my fb for the first time in about a year. "you weren't kidding, you did lose weight...crazy thing is you weren't even overweight before but you still look so different..."

...sigh. : / what am I going to do?