Out of Character

I'll admit it because I should that I did something bad not too long ago and I'm trying to repent. It puts a heavy cloud over every day when you carry that burden. I thought about telling someone today but then I realized they probably wouldn't understand. So I'm keeping it to myself.

For some reason, it's swung open the door for a lot of other out-of-character things. Even just the thoughts in my head. All the images floating around up there have intensified. Yesterday (Valentines Day of course) I surprised myself with an impressive stream of profanities I didn't know I knew. It came so naturally to me. And although I didn't give in to the idea of smashing the heavy glass in my hands, the thought came across my mind as entirely possible.

On top of that, today I've had the strongest urge to visit Phaze Bar again. Go in a short skirt and sit alone at the bar or make conversation with a stranger - free from feelings of responsibility and inhibitions. But while that's not completely new- nor is the idea of slipping on my black wig and fake nose ring going dancing incognito.

Strangest of all is my sudden fixation on basketball. And I swear I almost stopped to buy sneakers so I can go running more comfortably. Since when have I EVER run? Or been at all interested in sports?

Long story short about valentines day- Even if it wasn't the holiday of love, anyone would have had a bad day going through all I did. The fact that I started out excited just made it worse. One thing I have always really wished I could change about myself is my propensity to tears. I hate crying. It's painful to do. Yesterday, when I was told the plans I had been looking forward to as a salvation all day were canceled, I got such big FAT tears that I didn't bother wiping them away. I think I got away with it not screwing with my makeup. At least, I don't think the delivery guy noticed. But Harajuku Girls says it's okay to cry, just as long as you don't do it in public. So maybe i'll make that my new moto.