Clowns & Goths

Lately, I’ve been trying hard to stop dating people outside the church. That seems like the smart thing to do since I keep getting into trouble when I don’t. However, my success in that area has not been… much. But I know the basic logics of dating include that there is a good chance you’ll date someone from among the group of people with whom you hang out with. Ie: If you hang out in at the circus, the likelihood you’ll end up dating a clown instead of a goth goes up. So I’ve been hanging out less and less with my otaku friends and… well Mormons don’t really ‘hang out’. Or at least I don’t. With them.

It turns out a big group of my new church friends went to the ArtWalk and dinner last night. I didn’t know about it until I saw the mass number of photos the next day. First thing I did was go through all the photos, expressing probably more excitement than necessary about how nice everyone looked and the skill of the photographer. Probably to reassure myself that it’s fine. I had to remind myself- I wasn’t unhappy last night hanging out at home alone again. So, I shouldn’t feel sad.

I position myself as a unique and independent person- which I am. I’m not sporty or spontaneous or wild more than I like being at home. I get nervous around kids my age that I don’t know very well. So the unintended consequence of people not thinking to invite me, is my fault. Lol. I don’t blame them at all- just the opposite, I like some of these people very much and I’ve heard the ArtWalk is awesome!

Despite that, I can’t help but feel the slender fear of abandonment in the back of my heart. It’s almost a heavy sentiment. My instinct is to imagine how I should act around these people when I see them again or to wonder what I could do differently or say to put myself in a place where I feel accepted and comfortable again. Maybe FIND myself a place. Or MAKE myself a place. But I’m no good at that stuff. If I were, I wouldn’t already be here. Ultimately, I need to learn to be satisfied with myself and my insecurities.

Yet, I hope this feeling goes away soon… and before it does, I hope I don’t expose myself by saying or doing anything dumb.