Grounded

I still feel under the weather but getting better. ANd I still feel remorseful and lonesome but I can't always be focused on that. It would take up too much room. 'scuse me I gotta blow my nose....

Suddenly!

I really like my unbirthday. Who knows why, I never do anything to celebrate it.

I'm just excited to get older. But what can I say? For some reason I like that it's on Groundhogs day. I like that it's in February. I like wearing this black ribbon in my hair. Like I'm a gift. For myself. Also, it was the only time in school that I could celebrate by bringing cupcakes to class.  But inevitably, in every school I went to, it was someone's REAL birthday that day and I didn't want to spoil it for them. Except one year... Once I did and personalize each cupcake I decorated with the names and (somewhat) likeness of their faces. My best friend got upset with me... because the... face wasn't... I can't remmeber. I think i accidentally gave the 'best friend' one to the wrong girl...

I just... this is going to sound weird. But my two brothers and I have blocked out the same two years of our lives. 1994-1995. What we have heard were the (some of) worst two in our parents divorce. None of us can remember anything from that time... As I grow up, I will be talking and suddenly memories like that come back to me. Some are light like that one. Some are excruciating and I wish that I hadn't. The kind of small memories that dig up feelings of wanting to do a harm to myself. Even simple ones like eating Sun Chips. I like them, but I'll never eat another one as long as I live.

Anyway, that memory about cupcakes- that's a new one. and I don't like it for some reason. I don't know why. Maybe thats why I don't do anything to celebrate it?

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

- Theodore Roosevelt (1910)