A League on my Own

For the past few years after a failed FHE, where I feel the pang and bitterness of being an otaku in a normal world, I've developed this... thing? That I do. I've only been caught a handful of times by concerned but relatively unconnected onlookers. I'll stay there in my car for hours after it's over.

Before I had my ipod touch I used to call my Dad and I'd ask him about how the family is doing. Nothing reminds me I have a place on Earth more than being with my family. Even just hearing their voices on the answering machine reminds me of who I am. Listening to my Dad talk about all that they're doing normally soothes me. But for the last year or so by the time FHE is over it's too late to call home so instead I play with my ipod.

Why do I stay there like that? They lock the building, turn off all the lights, and bolt the gates so I have to use the automated exit to leave. But I stay in my car for hours and hours after everyone else has gone home.

I used to think it was because I didn't want to go home. And sometimes I think it's because my meds have worn off. But I really only do it on nights like tonight. When I feel like a stranger in the middle of those who are supposedly the group from which I have to choose an eternal companion. And I wonder what's so wrong with me that they would leave me to sit alone to watch everyone play games together because there is not enough room. No one offered to talk to me, or make a space for me because I was late. Why is it that when I'm with these people I feel small and so strange? Even the Relief Society president gave me this cold and withering look of contempt. and my confidence shriveled a little more.

A few weeks ago at knotts, Aino actually started to yell at me in the parking lot. I wasn't even fighting with her, she just had gotten herself into a frenzy of feelings by rambling unhalted about the things that most annoyed her and suddenly I was the subject of her frustrations because I was dating too much. I didn't have the time to see her and friends are more important in youth than dating.

I often forget she's only just 23. At the time of that conversation she was 22 and has no point of reference to understand the significance of what a loving companion might mean to me. Logically speaking, she might be trying to justify her own bitter decision to hand milk out for free. Regardless, she has no understanding or concern for the things I want for myself. I'm not mad at her. I let her yell at me until she was out of breath. Then I drove her out and bought her dinner.

So maybe I don't belong there either. With those young and beautiful girls. I'm not asian, I'm not in school, and I'm not even very well versed in anime as they all are. In truth, I grew out of fandom for fandom's sake a long time ago.

Where do I fit in?

One other story I should mention, I offered to make Masato a cake for his birthday to make up for the fact that my Dad was in town the same night. But he asked me not to deliver it until Sunday. I bought everything I needed to bake it and I was ready to present my creation when a mutual friend told me of a small surprise party for him on Sunday night instead. I offered to bring my cake but they said they didn't need it... Instead I brought special funky candles I had found that I thought he'd like. But some other girl brought trick candles which everyone liked, so I left my small offering in my purse. I also wrapped a small gift and brought it to the occation. I didn't know Masato already owned it, which he told me upon opening it when no one was looking. Mine was the only gift but it still wasn't very good I guess. He left without saying goodbye to me which seems in tune with his new approach to our friendship- he kinda looks at me as though I were an thankless Ex Mistake rather than a close friend. At least that's how it feels for the last couple weeks...

I just remebered, tonight at FHE, he came even later than me. But when he walked in, someone got him a chair. I think that's why he and I would never work out. Which is what I told him from the start- he's just too cool for me.

We're not in the same league.