Lost chance.

Well this...sucks.
Not everything sucks.  But this does. I wonder if I should have done something different to make things better but looking back, I did what I thought was right at the time. And now I've done what I thought to do to make up for lost time. And not there isn't anything more I can do. I guess that's the way of life. If I were to wise up i'd notice sooner that it happens every time: I see them leaving me and I realize TOO LATE how important they are to me. Too late. In this case I even had a false alarm a year ago to make me realize how strongly I felt, but I didn't do anything about it. Truth to tell, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I just went with the flow. and Now their flow looks like it's flowing away from me.

Remembering, I can't control anything but myself. And sometimes not even then. It's like watching a movie... or playing a minor role in the theater of my life. Right now probably isn't the clearest time to be thinking about these things.

What a long week... 50 hour work week... My body is really hating me, I've never felt it so tired from work I *enjoy* and not be excited. I look like a mess, more than usual. I need a hair cut and nice long bath. I need time to sleep. Just time to sleep. My back hurts deeply every time I try to relax (slouch). and my eyes ache again from getting mascara in my eyes again.

I walked out into the street to go home tonight but I didn't want to step off the curb. It felt to soon. Not right. I didn't want to go home. But I am home now and it's already 1:30am. I need to get up and work some photoshop magic or scrape the disgusting layer of filth and/or disappointment from my body.

Sometimes I want to get a hotel room for a night. Just so I have a clean bed and sterile showers. it's peaceful in hotels. It's private and fun and time seems so much more potent. Let's go to a hotel darling and bring back sushi in plastic bags. We'll use up all the hot water and flip through crappy TV shows. and then climb into crisp white sheets and cuddle up tight to fight the cold.

Maybe that's what I'll put in my Valentine's Day application. Wanted: Arm to go around my waist, peach soda, one sincere compliment. Payment: Home cooked dinner and dessert, movie viewing partner, commitment not included.