Maccaroni

I'm freaking out I'm freaking out.
not in that way you'd think a person would freak out but I know it.
I'm panicking about nothing. Like, nothing. I feel this intense anxiety in my chest and my head. I feel lost even though I'm sitting on my bed and my face is sunk into this permenant worried look. I know it isn't natural, there isn't anything to be upset about. but I'm upset. It makes me dizzy and my breathing is getting short because I don't know what's going to happen to me. what am I going to say? I want to post something somewhere public and ask for help. I need help. My meds wore off and this sense of doom is back. I know what I'm worried about but it's nothing! Today masato called me but my phone was dead so I didn't pick up.
when I called him back he was in a mall and he seemed disconserted about talking to me. like I've been distant. and I have ben distant, from everyone. I've just spent the last two weeks trying to stay at home and do my thing, establish some habits to build a healthy normal life. but now all my friends sound like masato. it looks like everyone is mad at me. I feel that they are even though I have no proof.
I texted him an appolgy but he hasn't replaied back. he didn't even complain to start out with so why am I feeling so guilty? I just made this whole thing up in my head. and when I saw that he wasn't on skype anymoremy stomach dropped. he must be avoiding me. oh man. I know logically that's stupid but i still feel paniced. and now jeremy is trying to reach me. but I hate him right now, don't I? am I going to say something stupid or cruel?
my fingers are twitching I don't want to stop. I don't want to take the time to talk to Jeremy when the situation with Masato feels so pending!!!
Something is WRONG with me. I can't stop thinking. I have to stop thinking. just put some macaroni in my mouth. fill my mouth until all I can think about is chewing.
Oh man, i woke him up. I'm so dumb. he's not going to know that I appologized again, said goodnight and hung up. he's going ot think it was a bad connection. why amI so stupid? ARG.
I can't even act normal during my skype dinner. WHat am I supposed to do? I can't call anyone for help. they'll just think I'm dumb or making it up. I'd Trust Masato but I think he's mad at me. and the idiot wonder Jeremy here would't know how to be sympathetic to save his life. STUFF STUFF STUFF.