Pluto

Y'know, I like when patterns start to emerge in my life. I can kinda guess what the future will be that way.

I know, for example that if I'm getting annoyed with Jeremy, it's because we haven't hung out face to face. Every time, no exceptions, after a couple weeks of just gmail chatting, I start to hate him. I entertain thoughts of dumping off his stupid blue fleece that's been sitting in my closet for a year now and whisking myself away to a happier life where people really listen and care about what I have to say. Maybe those people won't be so frustrating and frustrated. I even got so angry once I unfriended him- which made things worse because he didn't actually notice until I brought it up a month later. But It's nice to know that if I swallow my annoyance and think, 'fine- this will be the last time we hang out' and we actually DO hang out, no matter how we start the evening, by the end I'm feeling better. During the period in which he suddenly became uncomfortable with even a simple hug when before we were fine snuggling during a movie, going to dinner didn't have quite the same amount of satisfaction at the end. I was worried. But slowly but surely, we have some what passed that. Now he's gone back to giving me a hearty hug at the end, and I've learned to never offer to touch him at any other time. He seems to have calmed down from whatever was bugging him. This may sound strange, but he actually leaned on me when were in line for burgers tonight. I didn't say anything or even react, but it was a gesture I'm sure he has no idea how grateful I am for. And don't doubt it, before we went out I was giving him any excuse I could think of not to come. I was annoyed with him- like I am every time. Tonight only occurred after earlier in the week he post-poned because of work. I don't mind about work getting in the way, but the number one thing that bugs me about him is his complete inability to communicate anything of substance.

I am Casey, and knowing who I am means I also know the two things I love the most: gentle touch, and words of affirmation. Since Jeremy will NOT touch me without absolute cause, and he must have broken the part of his brain that makes it possible for him to say anything nice, I often feel a deep resentment towards him. (As a side note, he also tends to hide what's going on in his life from me, for one reason or another. I can't figure out why.) So what I did mind about the post-ponement was that he didn't say anything that hinted at his regretting the lost time together. I know, it sounds girly. But I think I did the right thing by responding that it would be nice to hear that he wanted to see me. Five minutes pass with no response resulting in his reply offering to try Friday (tonight) instead. I couldn't have been more blunt about what I wanted. Still- he chose the cowards route. I hate cowards.

So, yes the evening started off with me being a little upset. (Also I should mention this might be one of the last times I see him because he told me he had decided to date this new girl he met. While the thought of him banging some chick that he's not in love with makes me sick to my stomach, it's the way of the heathen world and I have to accept it... and find friends who don't disappoint me.) Not to mention the mini-fight I just had with blake a few hours before I was still steaming about. But as always, we had a short time together eating and laughing, mostly it was me listening to his stories about movies and asking questions. It doesn't bother me because I don't have to entertain. And something inside me, when we do hang out, let's me know that he actually does enjoy hanging out with me. Even if the tumor in his brain makes it impossible to say so. So, I park his car and get out. He gives me a strong hug and asks if I'm feeling better about Blake. And I am. I feel much better. I've eaten, for one thing. And for another, I don't know why, but I enjoy my time with Jeremy.

I'm sure that anyone reading this would assume I'm in love with him. And I don't know how many times I've had to say it and I'll keep saying it- I'M NOT. I've BEEN in love before- more than once and I know what it feels like. I know what it's like to have a crush and what it's like to hate someone so badly that it's actually a CRAZY crush. But this isn't like that. I feel like he's my older brother and a hand on my head is more satisfying than a hand on my butt. Who knows why I've put him in the roll of old brother, but I have. and that's disappointing on some levels. and it can be difficult when I want to show him affection but I don't know that he knows it's all platonic. He might freak out again and leave me. I don't know what's going on in his head. His friend (who drunk-kissed me in a bar the second time I ever met him) told me that Jeremy once described me as "cute". Which might be the first and last inclination I'll believe that he honestly thinks so. And it is important to me. Maybe I have to explain this over and over not to convince myself of some lie because I can't face the truth. But rather because I, myself, and mystified by it. Being with someone who makes you happy should equate to your wanting to date them, right? And why the HELL would I put any weight into this idiot's opinion, I may never know. But I'm glad we're friends. and whatever day we may stop being friends. I hope it's gentle. and not because it would weird out one of our significant others- which happened earlier this year. (but we both ending up breaking off our respective relationships.) But I hope it's because we forget and never notice drifting. Or maybe we'll always stay friends and who ever I decide to put my faith in would understand that my heart is deep and has room for lots of people.

Because i lied enough as a child to my mother, I don't want to do it again.


........ of course it might be just that every time I see him I get full of food and THAT makes me happy! :D