The Social Recap

I wrapped up my last post just now so I could switch gears a little bit. Just an update about what's going on in my life. In general, I'm feeling fine. Not super up or down. I'm becoming increasingly upset with myself as I fail to reach my goals. Not even lofty goals. Just ones like getting to work on time, eating three meals a day, keeping my room clean. I can see on the horizon what always happens, depression. I'll fail so many times that I'll wonder what I'm worth if I don't have the discipline to keep up a normal person's life. But I love my job and I love my roommate. Plus, I'm not sick.

But this entry (as USUAL) will probably focus on the people in my life. I mentioned before, I'm really cutting out large swathes of my social life. I never see nor speak to anyone in the cafe anymore- minus J-kun and Aino of course. And kchan will contact me about things that must be done. But as far as being close and hanging out- that ship is far far far away from me it seems. And as much as I might miss them, the truth is I was never very good at hanging out. So I'm standing on a beach watching them sail away. I could think it's natural though, considering how different they are from me, and how young they seem. And btw, I spent a little time with RIka who I adore and I had the chance to admire up close Mikan. I really am so fascinated by her. If I ever have any artistic talent, I'd like to bring out her intelligence, kindness, grace, and humor. That would be my greatest accomplishment.

I have not spoken to Hua since the night he insulted Masato and drove off. He seems pretty happy for the most part. His life was never that dramatic and I'm glad he's still considering the church. I'd like to encourage his pursuits and tell him not to be afraid of faith, but it isn't my place to do that anymore. When I made the decision last year to end the abusive friendship, I should have meant it more sincerely. It doesn't make sense to let him find his way back into my life again; showing up at my door, inviting himself to meet me, calling on my sympathies to get me to talk to him. I have to remind myself about Halloween and the morning I found bruises I had to hide. There's no more distinct image in my mind to justify keeping myself away. But he's fine without me. And that does bring me comfort.

I made plans to play Settlers with Jeremy's friend Eugene on Friday because apparently he's a big fan. I like Eugene, he's always asking for my advice regarding girls and he even texts me when he's sad for a pick-me-up. It makes me feel kinda special. But of course we're just friends- which is why we invited Jeremy to play. At first J absoLUTELY refused to participate in such a boring activity. Then he went on a drunken weekend Ski-trip and came home with a changed mind. Who knows why. I'm not asking. Masato and I are still good friends. Neither of us really knows why. We rarely agree on anything and our styles and tastes are so different it's difficult to find much in common. But physically speaking we're both very comfortable. He let's me hug him and he doesn't mind putting his arms around me when we watch a movie. That's all I need some emo days. I only talk to him Sunday night where he can tell me his plans for the future and it's become a nice little routine.

I'm still a little mad at Blake. I was surprised by his expectations and was all ready to give him a little help in the right direction but if I tried to talk to him now it would come out mean. And I don't like to be mean when it isn't necessary. Unless some monumental change happens or someone talks to him... I can't think of any reason to change my mind. Which was the whole problem to begin with. In comparison, the ultimate giver, I have not seen Phillip in ages. Physically speaking I miss him the most. We only went on two dates- which is enough for him to be ready for wild animal hoopla. The guy is... really attractive. In the kind of way you see in magazines. Which is not only a turn off for me usually, but I'm rarely into just the physicality of men. Besides which, why would a normal fiercely cute kid like THAT ever be interested in a girl like ME?! This guy is dangerous for controlling myself. As I said though, I haven't seen him in who knows how long.

I'd go on about other people like Tim, Aino, Sami, J-kun, Kchan, Lizzy, Joman, John-O (who I'm missing greatly :/ ), Katherine, Sen, Bisente, Leo~nard, Andersen and all my other friends but #1- andersen made the mistake of telling me he actually checks this stupid blog once in a while and #2- if I go on much longer I'll look like a whiney biznitch. Which I probably am. That's one reason why I don't complain to Vo when he's ticking me off. Because as history has shown, I am always the one with the problem. Everyone else is always right. If I simply wait long enough I'll get over whatever is bugging me and things will turn back to normal in my head. Why bother people with my pesky temporary feelings?

Ah, skype calls. I should really go nuke the dinner I just bought...


Ps. My back is killing me again...