My job here is done.

It had ossured to me before to do this but I never seemed to really to get the idea at the right time.

I am here late and I thought maybe I should steal some pens before I leave (Friday is my last day here). I went to the drawer that used to have a huge stack of pens in Howard's office. But when I went to dig inside I found something else.

Even though I said "sorry" in my head about a thousand times, I read it anyway. It pertained to me anyway. At least partially. On top was what will soon be an "agreement of separation" form I will be asked to sign. basicly so I can't come after howard for unemployment. I read it carefully to see if I should sign it. I'm still not sure if I should. He owes me for the placements we've made, even if the clients have not yet paid him. But under that was another file folder. It was dated for May of this year and inside was a professional recomendation concerning fileing for bankruptsy. Along the margins on one of the inside pages, Howard had scribbled, "can you file twice?"

I went through the rest of it and I found a few pathetic numbers.

and I feel guilty. I wonder if Howard has ever cried about this and then come to work the next day and had to look at me. the girl he's paying who right under his nose is running a completly separate business that's also failing. So it seems like I let down everyone.

from a logical standpoint I could say that it was his call to keep me when I wasn't turning in the numbers he wanted. If he thought that my work wasn't worth the pay, he shold have let me go. ALthough now I can see perfectly why he snubbed me on spiffs. how could he afford to lose even a little bit? I could also say that I'm not very good at recruiting. Even if it's only because my extreme distaste for it makes me a bad employee. After 3 years, I cannot muster enough motivation to get out all that a human could in one day. No matter the goal. But even when I really was giving it my all, staying up all night, making the calls I loathed, embarassing myself night after night for weeks, I was so burned out... when the company dropped us and all my work was to pot, I lost whatever motivation kept me here.

Such a tiny percentage of what work we do here bares fruit that it's an incredably discouraging job. But no one knows that better than Howard. He's a salesman and he thrives on the hard work. so i guess he wanted to try this... and I just couldn't help him. He put his money on the wrong person I guess. Literally.

He seems happier these days. I really prefer that. and I'm happier too. I wonder if the bussiness is picking up or he's finding out that bankrupsy will let him keep his house?

Where as in my case, I thought I was having a coniption over wiether I should go out to lunch or try to save what I can before becomeing 'funemployeed'. I worry. Too much? Not enough to make me go go go?

So what should I do? I think instead of applying for 'unemployement' (which I think I could get), maybe It'd be easier to just offer my services on a commission only basis, and in my spare time I'll pull names for Howard. I dunno, you think he'd do it? At least then I could keep my cb and li acess for my own job hunting needs (little useful though they are to it.)

Did I put this man out of business? I would love to own my own business some day. But it is letters like the one I found in Howard's desk that makes me fear the future. I think, "what would I do then?" But I should really be asking, "What am I going to do now?" What's going to happen to me? Who will take me? Is it going to be long lonely worrysome days and hundreds of applications a day while I slowly recess from a social life and try not to concern my roommate? Is it back to being afraid to eat and hopeing I don't get hungry again before I can go to the store? I hated those days.

But in truth, if life really begins to suck the way it used to, then chances are I really will just move home. Back to sacramento like all of my peers to live out protected lives and start again trying to find my purpose. If that's the case then I hope God blesses me with a speedy acceptance and placement in Japan. The shame of it all would be monumentally difficult to bare. It's not really that fun right now.