all emo, no substance

What am I 4?

I haven’t felt this misunderstood since I was a teen. Not that I remember being misunderstood. I just assume that I was as a teen. Or at least that I thought I was.

Seriously though. I can’t see or do anything right. Stay or go. Fight or flee. Kindness vs. For your own good. Too much of this not enough of that. I feel dirty and slovenly but so weary at the same time. It’s all natural but it’s not right. We’re friends but not really or more than acquaintances. How long do I let this go on? Can I handle all this or am I not doing enough?

And do I really have the right to be upset? That’s the worst one of all. Do I have any right to be going crazy? People have it much worse than I do. I know because I’ve had it much worse before. More substantial hurt and confusion and desperation. And compared to that, this is nothing.

But I’m still stuck clawing my way out of my own head. It’s like I’m growing, but not in the right direction. My branches feel like they’re twisting out of control and I don’t know how to stop them. How can all of this be a good thing for me? And at what point did I go wrong?

I would be happy if the answer was found in another person. That I could say, If only this would happen. Or so and so would such and such. But I have this suspicion it’s all me. Me and my failures, my misunderstanding, my loss, my mistakes.


I love my family. But I know what’s coming. Dad is going to grind me about all the things I COULD be doing but I’m not. And when he sees that I can’t/won’t because of the person I am- I’ll see the look of disappointment on his face and he’ll give up. And even though at that moment I’ll want to do more- and I always want to do more, I can’t.

It’s like rope is trying my hands into fists. And I can claw at my goals but it’s no use. I don’t like myself. So how can I plague anyone with me? It’s not fair to them. I need help so badly though. Some perspective. Some answers. Some guidance. Some directions. Some hope.

Fail at work

Fail at hobbies

Fail at love

Fail at friendship

Fail at protecting

Fail at basic self preservation

Fail at educating

Fail at improvement

Fail at goals and dreams

And I can’t even cook a DAMN box of macaroni and cheese!!! It makes me want to chuck that stupid pot across the room and rip the stove apart with my bare hands I don’t care how hot it is.

And all the people who turn my good intentions into opportunities for themselves.

Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail failfialfilafailafialfailfialfilfialifalifalfialfifilfifiaiifaiiilfllifialiflaififilafalifiiflaifififailliaifilafaiflafifail.


Just as a matter of record, I’m going home for thanksgiving alone. Lol fail again.
and that's all the story you're going to get out of me. the more I say, the more foder you have to lecture me about how stupid I am.