wongfu no more

So I’m despondent and sad. But more frustrated than anything. Just in a low-key sort of way. Thoughts about this job and *** keep surfacing and depress me.

I don’t know wiether I just feel lonely or horny or depressed or if this is a natural cycle of the year going by, or maybe how much I hate thanksgiving, or the call I got from my bio mother that makes me feel this way. But this wasn’t really a day different from any other. Maybe that’s what’s wrong. If I had someone I’d do what Kchan did and go over to his place and climb in bed with him to sleep. I’m sure he’d put his arms around me. I guess that’s a lot to ask.

I snapped at Howard again just as he was leaving. I started off my day reading another email from him telling me that once again, my efforts were worthless. And another day of my life has been sucked into the black hole of this job. And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I think Howard is keeping my commissions from me. Or he thinks I have not earned them. I asked directly, “Are we getting paid for these?” He just kinda laughed and kept his head down. I didn’t pursue. Howard is a big man and he could crush me. I don’t want to anger him.

But today as he was leaving he asked that stupid question again, “so what are you working on?” basically letting me know he doesn’t care because my work doesn’t matter, but he’s going to be upset with me no matter what I say.

I respond, “well I need to talk to you tomorrow, I couldn’t find these competing companies- ”
“Casey! ARG, You have to tell me these things during the day where I can help you-”
I snapped and looked up at him kinda growling, “I JUST found this out and I’m sending you the work I did find this afternoon right now! If I have a problem, I’ll ask.” He backed off. But maybe he’s starting to figure out it’s not my exaughstion that’s making me look so dejected at work. If he asks I guess I’ll just have to tell him the truth- This job makes me feel worthless. Not because I don’t have enough to do, it’s that what I do doesn’t mean anything. And frankly I’m not making enough here to make it worth giving up my soul for much longer. If I can just hang on until the end of the year…

I know my house is a mess. But all I want to do is sleep right now. I should eat dinner but it would really only be prolonging my going to bed. I’m not hungry and nothing I could eat right now would be healthy. But sleep is the only escape. The problem then is that the faster I go to sleep, the sooner tomorrow is.

My computer is having problems. And it struck me yesterday I don’t know what I would do without my beloved computer. It’s hard enough not having internet but missing my poor jillaine would just be pure torture. I know I must be addicted but I don’t know what to do to help her. and frankly, between these stupid student loans and paying off my debts from previous tenants mistakes, I really can’t afford a new mac. But it kills me to think I might lose her.

Which adds to this pressure I feel at work. I don’t like being a failure and a bother.

Another thing about my job I hate, I would give almost anything to see WongFu at USC tomorrow… but there is no way I’d be able to get there. Even if I left early I don’t know the campus well enough to find the place. And in the end, I’d be alone… fangirling by myself as usual. I guess I just don’t feel like being failure at that as well.

Well an animaid meeting might be tomorrow and I’m supposed to get sushi with an old girlfriend whose PERFECT little life always makes my eyes roll out of my head. I don’t know if I could really handle her right now. I guess I should tell her I can’t.

But I also need to go into westwood. But going near all those happy social college kids isn’t helping either. Sometimes I really long to go back and be 19- but maybe in this body rather than the one I had. Youth is wasted on the young.