Well this...sucks.
Not everything sucks. But this does. I wonder if I should have done something different to make things better but looking back, I did what I thought was right at the time. And now I've done what I thought to do to make up for lost time. And not there isn't anything more I can do. I guess that's the way of life. If I were to wise up i'd notice sooner that it happens every time: I see them leaving me and I realize TOO LATE how important they are to me. Too late. In this case I even had a false alarm a year ago to make me realize how strongly I felt, but I didn't do anything about it. Truth to tell, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I just went with the flow. and Now their flow looks like it's flowing away from me.
Remembering, I can't control anything but myself. And sometimes not even then. It's like watching a movie... or playing a minor role in the theater of my life. Right now probably isn't the clearest time to be thinking about these things.
What a long week... 50 hour work week... My body is really hating me, I've never felt it so tired from work I *enjoy* and not be excited. I look like a mess, more than usual. I need a hair cut and nice long bath. I need time to sleep. Just time to sleep. My back hurts deeply every time I try to relax (slouch). and my eyes ache again from getting mascara in my eyes again.
I walked out into the street to go home tonight but I didn't want to step off the curb. It felt to soon. Not right. I didn't want to go home. But I am home now and it's already 1:30am. I need to get up and work some photoshop magic or scrape the disgusting layer of filth and/or disappointment from my body.
Sometimes I want to get a hotel room for a night. Just so I have a clean bed and sterile showers. it's peaceful in hotels. It's private and fun and time seems so much more potent. Let's go to a hotel darling and bring back sushi in plastic bags. We'll use up all the hot water and flip through crappy TV shows. and then climb into crisp white sheets and cuddle up tight to fight the cold.
Maybe that's what I'll put in my Valentine's Day application. Wanted: Arm to go around my waist, peach soda, one sincere compliment. Payment: Home cooked dinner and dessert, movie viewing partner, commitment not included.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thanks.
Forgive me Universe: I'm not going to explain anything.
I only have a second because I'm running behind and I have people coming over tonight.
But I wanted to say that on a normal day, this would have been mind blowing. But since it came on a really awful slump kind of day- It's extra wonderful. Dare I even say, the thing I've been waiting for. I get depressed about this and i try to ignore it and tell myself It's not worth being upset over. Some days are worse than others. And today I was really sad. I was just sad. When it came to this, I've been working extra hard to tell myself I'd never get it. Don't let reality determine my happiness.
But- that! That was all I needed. That was all I was ever asking for. I know it probably hurt a little, but I'm so glad it came today. I'm a little surprised just how glad- when I cried the whole way home from work. In weird little sobs. I couldn't help it. I'm really really...
...well thanks.
More probably after my guests leave. >_>
Hours later- I return to finish.
Admittedly, I'm a dramatic girl. I've said this a thousand times in a simultaneous attempt to reassure myself that I'm not crazy, and to point out my flaws in order to fix them. Again- I feel very deeply and sometimes it sucks. It sucks when it's feeling bad or guilty or lonely. And it suck when it happens suddenly. and it REALLY sucks when I let it slip and my dumb emotions effect other people. I think most of the time that feeling deeply is something I should really curb.
But I can't complain much right now. Sure, I'm not all glittery and swooning for love, sexually worn, or intellectually satisfied... really, the only word I can think for it is HAPPY. And I know why! The strange thing in this case is, while I hate when my bad emotions spill over and make someone else's day worse, the person who made this day better- best day in a series of days that were fine (which in comparison to last year is GREAT) I can't thank. I can't let them see this joy they brought me. This fact only dampens my happiness a little bit. I have no idea what the future is going to look like. Not to say anything has changed- it hasn't. I'm still single and without any prospects. I'm still angry with who I'm angry with, still jealous and shunned by those who I love and hate. Still a workaholic nerd wanna-be. Still a little bit annoying. I'm still in my same apartment in my same job with the same family and friends that I had before. But, if anything, with this little bit of new knowledge- better.
Better, brighter, more fun. Man. Why did it take so long?
The only thing that would have put a bow on top is a hug. But I can't have everything in life, can I?
I know I know. If curbing my feelings means taking EVERYthing down a notch, it means this too. But if I have to face the awful days alone, then let me enjoy the good ones too. And with that, I should sleep. before anything else crosses my mind.
(Oh, and maybe a goodnight text message too...oh well. ha ha.)
I only have a second because I'm running behind and I have people coming over tonight.
But I wanted to say that on a normal day, this would have been mind blowing. But since it came on a really awful slump kind of day- It's extra wonderful. Dare I even say, the thing I've been waiting for. I get depressed about this and i try to ignore it and tell myself It's not worth being upset over. Some days are worse than others. And today I was really sad. I was just sad. When it came to this, I've been working extra hard to tell myself I'd never get it. Don't let reality determine my happiness.
But- that! That was all I needed. That was all I was ever asking for. I know it probably hurt a little, but I'm so glad it came today. I'm a little surprised just how glad- when I cried the whole way home from work. In weird little sobs. I couldn't help it. I'm really really...
...well thanks.
More probably after my guests leave. >_>
Hours later- I return to finish.
Admittedly, I'm a dramatic girl. I've said this a thousand times in a simultaneous attempt to reassure myself that I'm not crazy, and to point out my flaws in order to fix them. Again- I feel very deeply and sometimes it sucks. It sucks when it's feeling bad or guilty or lonely. And it suck when it happens suddenly. and it REALLY sucks when I let it slip and my dumb emotions effect other people. I think most of the time that feeling deeply is something I should really curb.
But I can't complain much right now. Sure, I'm not all glittery and swooning for love, sexually worn, or intellectually satisfied... really, the only word I can think for it is HAPPY. And I know why! The strange thing in this case is, while I hate when my bad emotions spill over and make someone else's day worse, the person who made this day better- best day in a series of days that were fine (which in comparison to last year is GREAT) I can't thank. I can't let them see this joy they brought me. This fact only dampens my happiness a little bit. I have no idea what the future is going to look like. Not to say anything has changed- it hasn't. I'm still single and without any prospects. I'm still angry with who I'm angry with, still jealous and shunned by those who I love and hate. Still a workaholic nerd wanna-be. Still a little bit annoying. I'm still in my same apartment in my same job with the same family and friends that I had before. But, if anything, with this little bit of new knowledge- better.
Better, brighter, more fun. Man. Why did it take so long?
The only thing that would have put a bow on top is a hug. But I can't have everything in life, can I?
I know I know. If curbing my feelings means taking EVERYthing down a notch, it means this too. But if I have to face the awful days alone, then let me enjoy the good ones too. And with that, I should sleep. before anything else crosses my mind.
(Oh, and maybe a goodnight text message too...oh well. ha ha.)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Social Recap
I wrapped up my last post just now so I could switch gears a little bit. Just an update about what's going on in my life. In general, I'm feeling fine. Not super up or down. I'm becoming increasingly upset with myself as I fail to reach my goals. Not even lofty goals. Just ones like getting to work on time, eating three meals a day, keeping my room clean. I can see on the horizon what always happens, depression. I'll fail so many times that I'll wonder what I'm worth if I don't have the discipline to keep up a normal person's life. But I love my job and I love my roommate. Plus, I'm not sick.
But this entry (as USUAL) will probably focus on the people in my life. I mentioned before, I'm really cutting out large swathes of my social life. I never see nor speak to anyone in the cafe anymore- minus J-kun and Aino of course. And kchan will contact me about things that must be done. But as far as being close and hanging out- that ship is far far far away from me it seems. And as much as I might miss them, the truth is I was never very good at hanging out. So I'm standing on a beach watching them sail away. I could think it's natural though, considering how different they are from me, and how young they seem. And btw, I spent a little time with RIka who I adore and I had the chance to admire up close Mikan. I really am so fascinated by her. If I ever have any artistic talent, I'd like to bring out her intelligence, kindness, grace, and humor. That would be my greatest accomplishment.
I have not spoken to Hua since the night he insulted Masato and drove off. He seems pretty happy for the most part. His life was never that dramatic and I'm glad he's still considering the church. I'd like to encourage his pursuits and tell him not to be afraid of faith, but it isn't my place to do that anymore. When I made the decision last year to end the abusive friendship, I should have meant it more sincerely. It doesn't make sense to let him find his way back into my life again; showing up at my door, inviting himself to meet me, calling on my sympathies to get me to talk to him. I have to remind myself about Halloween and the morning I found bruises I had to hide. There's no more distinct image in my mind to justify keeping myself away. But he's fine without me. And that does bring me comfort.
I made plans to play Settlers with Jeremy's friend Eugene on Friday because apparently he's a big fan. I like Eugene, he's always asking for my advice regarding girls and he even texts me when he's sad for a pick-me-up. It makes me feel kinda special. But of course we're just friends- which is why we invited Jeremy to play. At first J absoLUTELY refused to participate in such a boring activity. Then he went on a drunken weekend Ski-trip and came home with a changed mind. Who knows why. I'm not asking. Masato and I are still good friends. Neither of us really knows why. We rarely agree on anything and our styles and tastes are so different it's difficult to find much in common. But physically speaking we're both very comfortable. He let's me hug him and he doesn't mind putting his arms around me when we watch a movie. That's all I need some emo days. I only talk to him Sunday night where he can tell me his plans for the future and it's become a nice little routine.
I'm still a little mad at Blake. I was surprised by his expectations and was all ready to give him a little help in the right direction but if I tried to talk to him now it would come out mean. And I don't like to be mean when it isn't necessary. Unless some monumental change happens or someone talks to him... I can't think of any reason to change my mind. Which was the whole problem to begin with. In comparison, the ultimate giver, I have not seen Phillip in ages. Physically speaking I miss him the most. We only went on two dates- which is enough for him to be ready for wild animal hoopla. The guy is... really attractive. In the kind of way you see in magazines. Which is not only a turn off for me usually, but I'm rarely into just the physicality of men. Besides which, why would a normal fiercely cute kid like THAT ever be interested in a girl like ME?! This guy is dangerous for controlling myself. As I said though, I haven't seen him in who knows how long.
I'd go on about other people like Tim, Aino, Sami, J-kun, Kchan, Lizzy, Joman, John-O (who I'm missing greatly :/ ), Katherine, Sen, Bisente, Leo~nard, Andersen and all my other friends but #1- andersen made the mistake of telling me he actually checks this stupid blog once in a while and #2- if I go on much longer I'll look like a whiney biznitch. Which I probably am. That's one reason why I don't complain to Vo when he's ticking me off. Because as history has shown, I am always the one with the problem. Everyone else is always right. If I simply wait long enough I'll get over whatever is bugging me and things will turn back to normal in my head. Why bother people with my pesky temporary feelings?
Ah, skype calls. I should really go nuke the dinner I just bought...
Ps. My back is killing me again...
But this entry (as USUAL) will probably focus on the people in my life. I mentioned before, I'm really cutting out large swathes of my social life. I never see nor speak to anyone in the cafe anymore- minus J-kun and Aino of course. And kchan will contact me about things that must be done. But as far as being close and hanging out- that ship is far far far away from me it seems. And as much as I might miss them, the truth is I was never very good at hanging out. So I'm standing on a beach watching them sail away. I could think it's natural though, considering how different they are from me, and how young they seem. And btw, I spent a little time with RIka who I adore and I had the chance to admire up close Mikan. I really am so fascinated by her. If I ever have any artistic talent, I'd like to bring out her intelligence, kindness, grace, and humor. That would be my greatest accomplishment.
I have not spoken to Hua since the night he insulted Masato and drove off. He seems pretty happy for the most part. His life was never that dramatic and I'm glad he's still considering the church. I'd like to encourage his pursuits and tell him not to be afraid of faith, but it isn't my place to do that anymore. When I made the decision last year to end the abusive friendship, I should have meant it more sincerely. It doesn't make sense to let him find his way back into my life again; showing up at my door, inviting himself to meet me, calling on my sympathies to get me to talk to him. I have to remind myself about Halloween and the morning I found bruises I had to hide. There's no more distinct image in my mind to justify keeping myself away. But he's fine without me. And that does bring me comfort.
I made plans to play Settlers with Jeremy's friend Eugene on Friday because apparently he's a big fan. I like Eugene, he's always asking for my advice regarding girls and he even texts me when he's sad for a pick-me-up. It makes me feel kinda special. But of course we're just friends- which is why we invited Jeremy to play. At first J absoLUTELY refused to participate in such a boring activity. Then he went on a drunken weekend Ski-trip and came home with a changed mind. Who knows why. I'm not asking. Masato and I are still good friends. Neither of us really knows why. We rarely agree on anything and our styles and tastes are so different it's difficult to find much in common. But physically speaking we're both very comfortable. He let's me hug him and he doesn't mind putting his arms around me when we watch a movie. That's all I need some emo days. I only talk to him Sunday night where he can tell me his plans for the future and it's become a nice little routine.
I'm still a little mad at Blake. I was surprised by his expectations and was all ready to give him a little help in the right direction but if I tried to talk to him now it would come out mean. And I don't like to be mean when it isn't necessary. Unless some monumental change happens or someone talks to him... I can't think of any reason to change my mind. Which was the whole problem to begin with. In comparison, the ultimate giver, I have not seen Phillip in ages. Physically speaking I miss him the most. We only went on two dates- which is enough for him to be ready for wild animal hoopla. The guy is... really attractive. In the kind of way you see in magazines. Which is not only a turn off for me usually, but I'm rarely into just the physicality of men. Besides which, why would a normal fiercely cute kid like THAT ever be interested in a girl like ME?! This guy is dangerous for controlling myself. As I said though, I haven't seen him in who knows how long.
I'd go on about other people like Tim, Aino, Sami, J-kun, Kchan, Lizzy, Joman, John-O (who I'm missing greatly :/ ), Katherine, Sen, Bisente, Leo~nard, Andersen and all my other friends but #1- andersen made the mistake of telling me he actually checks this stupid blog once in a while and #2- if I go on much longer I'll look like a whiney biznitch. Which I probably am. That's one reason why I don't complain to Vo when he's ticking me off. Because as history has shown, I am always the one with the problem. Everyone else is always right. If I simply wait long enough I'll get over whatever is bugging me and things will turn back to normal in my head. Why bother people with my pesky temporary feelings?
Ah, skype calls. I should really go nuke the dinner I just bought...
Ps. My back is killing me again...
Messy Organization
OKay there are somethings in me that are like my mother that I cannot escape. A small portion of those things, I don't want to give up being.
For one thing, why does organizing get me so excited? Filling boxes, making labels, creating order from trash- I love it. But I hate to clean. I come home and dread that the only thing I am absolutely going to FORCE myself to do that night is clean. And I would rather do anything else. And to make said cleaning happen, I'll tell myself I can't do other things until it's done. But that means... none of those other things ever get done.
It's true, I'm happier when things around me are orderly. I sleep better, I wake up happier, I'm more productive, and I can get to creative projects. But something inside me just hates to clean. It's like the never ending to-do task that haunts me like a smoking habit. I'll never check it off quiiiiite all the way. and the moment I take a break, it comes back- dirtier than ever.
Sometimes I blame the ADD. But other times like tonight, I just want to sew or draw or write or chat with someone.
I wonder what kind of wife I'll make. I was thinking this while browsing at Office Depo. Men don't have to be great cooks or keep a tidy and beautiful home. Their God-given responsibility is to provide while the woman is preggers. Can't help that natural fact of life. I'm not saying he can't HAVE those skills but no one thinks the less of him. A refined woman is one who knows how to decorate. Who's bathroom isn't just clean under the seat, but the towels match the floor mat. I wish I would do those things. If I was supremely wealthy perhaps I'd take a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond and dump a bunch of money on matching items. And I'd get such a thrill setting it all up. But the everyday maintenance would soon get the best of me I bet. Or maybe it wouldn't- if I were proud of it?
ANd truth be told- my common area's are ALWAYS a thousand times cleaner than my bedroom. My secret haven of Me. Where I know where everything is because I put it there. All my secrets and memories surrounding me. I don't even mind if it's messy- but my internal grownup thinks- HOW CAN YOU LIVE THIS WAY?
I don't know. I just don't enjoy hanging my clothes and folding my socks, and throwing away paperwork.
But ohhhh how I loved picking just the right hooks for the bathroom. I may be poor- but I splurged on a nice set of white hooks to hang my blow dryer and curling iron. And I'll proudly use them too.
SO when people ask me what material things do I want, it isn't trips to Europe or Massive technology (although lately I've a hunger for an iphone...). Instead on my way home I made a list of material things I wish I could buy. Here are the ones I can remember:
- Round sticky thing to keep the toothbrush holder still. The last two broke...
- Semi-circle desk organizer for my pins, pens, rubber bands, and paper clips for my desk at work.
- A lunch box to take to work everyday
- 12 port surge protector
- Why was Office Depo out of those soft white cable ties?
- All-in-one Printer/scanner (and perhaps a larger desk...)
- Wouldn't life be SO GROWN UP if I came home to a comfy office chair?!
- New set of drawers for my art materials (I've given up trying to organize those things)
- I'd like a rug for my bedroom....
- A teal painting for the bathroom
- Round corner table for the kitchen
- BIG Split trash can for trash and recycling. I hate having two that are mis matched.
- curtains for the dining room
- A hat./coat rack
FOr christmas I bought myself four things - a bookshelf (which I don't know how to build, so right now it's a stepping stool....), a breakfast in bed tray (WHICH I LOVE), A larger trashcan with a LID (also love love love), and a bedspread. I wish I was more in love with the spread but it;s very grown up and I'm sure I'll get used to it.
sigh. I'm going to have to be a working mother so I can afford to have a maid come clean once a month...
For one thing, why does organizing get me so excited? Filling boxes, making labels, creating order from trash- I love it. But I hate to clean. I come home and dread that the only thing I am absolutely going to FORCE myself to do that night is clean. And I would rather do anything else. And to make said cleaning happen, I'll tell myself I can't do other things until it's done. But that means... none of those other things ever get done.
It's true, I'm happier when things around me are orderly. I sleep better, I wake up happier, I'm more productive, and I can get to creative projects. But something inside me just hates to clean. It's like the never ending to-do task that haunts me like a smoking habit. I'll never check it off quiiiiite all the way. and the moment I take a break, it comes back- dirtier than ever.
Sometimes I blame the ADD. But other times like tonight, I just want to sew or draw or write or chat with someone.
I wonder what kind of wife I'll make. I was thinking this while browsing at Office Depo. Men don't have to be great cooks or keep a tidy and beautiful home. Their God-given responsibility is to provide while the woman is preggers. Can't help that natural fact of life. I'm not saying he can't HAVE those skills but no one thinks the less of him. A refined woman is one who knows how to decorate. Who's bathroom isn't just clean under the seat, but the towels match the floor mat. I wish I would do those things. If I was supremely wealthy perhaps I'd take a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond and dump a bunch of money on matching items. And I'd get such a thrill setting it all up. But the everyday maintenance would soon get the best of me I bet. Or maybe it wouldn't- if I were proud of it?
ANd truth be told- my common area's are ALWAYS a thousand times cleaner than my bedroom. My secret haven of Me. Where I know where everything is because I put it there. All my secrets and memories surrounding me. I don't even mind if it's messy- but my internal grownup thinks- HOW CAN YOU LIVE THIS WAY?
I don't know. I just don't enjoy hanging my clothes and folding my socks, and throwing away paperwork.
But ohhhh how I loved picking just the right hooks for the bathroom. I may be poor- but I splurged on a nice set of white hooks to hang my blow dryer and curling iron. And I'll proudly use them too.
SO when people ask me what material things do I want, it isn't trips to Europe or Massive technology (although lately I've a hunger for an iphone...). Instead on my way home I made a list of material things I wish I could buy. Here are the ones I can remember:
- Round sticky thing to keep the toothbrush holder still. The last two broke...
- Semi-circle desk organizer for my pins, pens, rubber bands, and paper clips for my desk at work.
- A lunch box to take to work everyday
- 12 port surge protector
- Why was Office Depo out of those soft white cable ties?
- All-in-one Printer/scanner (and perhaps a larger desk...)
- Wouldn't life be SO GROWN UP if I came home to a comfy office chair?!
- New set of drawers for my art materials (I've given up trying to organize those things)
- I'd like a rug for my bedroom....
- A teal painting for the bathroom
- Round corner table for the kitchen
- BIG Split trash can for trash and recycling. I hate having two that are mis matched.
- curtains for the dining room
- A hat./coat rack
FOr christmas I bought myself four things - a bookshelf (which I don't know how to build, so right now it's a stepping stool....), a breakfast in bed tray (WHICH I LOVE), A larger trashcan with a LID (also love love love), and a bedspread. I wish I was more in love with the spread but it;s very grown up and I'm sure I'll get used to it.
sigh. I'm going to have to be a working mother so I can afford to have a maid come clean once a month...
Friday, January 6, 2012
Riding the cotton pony.
Why have I suddenly gotten a spike from Russia? XD
Well, even though I didn't mention this could be the reason for my freakout in the last entry, I did consider it a possibility in my head. But it turns out the little voice in the back of my head was right- it was just a lot quieter than the screaming voices in the front of my head. Today my suspicion was confirmed, I just had an abnormally large wave of estrogen wreaking havoc on my intelligence in preparation for that time-honored disaster known too well by all those cursed enough to be healthy post-puberty females. In other words, my time of the month.
Of course it didn't help that the meds wore off and I had been left alone for the better part of two weeks. When we're alone we want to see someone, when we're surrounded we want to be left alone. Now, the only reason I'm mentioning this at all is to mark to myself what it looks like. Or maybe it would be useful to some guy who wants to conquer my heart. To be calm in the midst of living with a lunatic, i must admit, is very attractive. My Dad always was, but that might be because he married a woman who seemed to having her "time of the decade" to deal with. He always brought me chocolate. And between you, me, and my little sister, I never craved chocolate to sooth me. But when he would sneak it to me so my brother's wouldn't get jealous, it would make me feel better because I saw that my father loved me. He wanted to help me in any way he could.
I've probably mentioned this a thousand times, but my favorite memory is sitting on the couch with my Dad who would tuck me under his arm on a Sunday night to watch TV with the family. And I always thought that he'd want me to move so he could sit with his wife. But Dad never sat in the corner of the couch, he put her on his other side and me under his arm and kept me safe. I don't remember the shows we watched but I know that was my favorite time. listening to the dishwasher downstairs, everything clean and neat. My Dad's was the first and only man-smell I had contact with for a long time. It never occurred to me how much I liked it until I came home one year after being at school.
Anyway. Turns out I'm not going insane, and no one hates me. Masato laughed when I apologized like an infant and told me that life was simple and to never worry about those things. And Jeremy, who was the closest to being in the thick of my tornado seemed okay with it. I don't know why. Maybe he figured it out before I did what was wrong with me. He told me a while back that when his old girlfriend would PMS he knew that all he had to do was "stuff her like a whale" with food. Just take her out and feed her. That'll probably work for me too. But honestly (other than my Dad of course) no one has ever really taken care of me that way because I don't think I've ever really been comfortable enough to tell a guy what the problem was. It's really very embarrassing. If you are a guy and you stumble on this, know it's just as maddening, painful, and disgusting as you'd imagine. So, no: I don't like to talk about it. But knowing that I'm not going to mention it, makes me want to hide. I don't know if that's better than spewing venom mercilessly. See? no happy medium. But why does it have to be that I get super emo right BEFORE? It remains a mystery for far too many damaging hours before I figure it out. And then my emotions calm and the physical agony starts.
My back is already killing me this week and all I want to do is lay on the floor to stretch it out. But now I have new problems so that it makes me want to not move from my bed for at least a week. Standing up, sitting down, even getting 'excited' is an annoyance. I'd rather revert to being a little girl and play video games all night.
One thing I want to mention (and why have these entries all been so freaking LONG lately?!) is a nice thing that happened. I was on a skype dinner date with an old friend and I was going bonkers last night. Rubbing my face incessantly, typing ferociously, and I couldn't quiet my brain enough to get any interesting conversation out. And each passing silent moment was another stab of failure at my inability to control myself. After one such long silence I apologized- "I can't think of anything right to say".
He replied. "it's okay. awkward silences are true signs of love. because we're willing to share the silence. and be comfortable with it." I'd heard of the concept before (and didn't always buy it) but the fact that I think he really meant it surprised me and helped me calm down. It's okay? And as I thought about it- it was okay. I was nice to just listen to the air conditioner is someone else's home. Just lay in bed and know that someone just enjoyed my company. Not because I'm GORGEOUS or RANDY or ENTERTAINING. It was nice to have a friend there who... I guess... belonged to me? For a while? Of course we're not dating by any means but I guess that's why people long for a companion.
I think we all have a craving to belong to someone and have them belong to you. I'm a very jealous, it's true. A girl so full of passion, I become imprisoned to in my dedication. but I'm also pretty good at not showing it- I've become very practiced at swallowing that covetousness beast.
And of women too for who they are or who they have. I envy Aino for the easy way she makes and keeps certain friends, Mikan in her graceful humanity, Nikki & Ali & Lulu & Cynthia & Heather & Train Girl.
I'm tired. I have to get up and get to work to print the paperwork I forgot in order to get into ALA tomorrow. It's going to be difficult to get up- partly because I'm worried I'll go and have no friends left in the room. hm. It's going to be a difficult day no matter WHO is in the room come to think of it. O.o
FREAKING AUNT FLO. I've got the red curse! BLAH.
Well, even though I didn't mention this could be the reason for my freakout in the last entry, I did consider it a possibility in my head. But it turns out the little voice in the back of my head was right- it was just a lot quieter than the screaming voices in the front of my head. Today my suspicion was confirmed, I just had an abnormally large wave of estrogen wreaking havoc on my intelligence in preparation for that time-honored disaster known too well by all those cursed enough to be healthy post-puberty females. In other words, my time of the month.
Of course it didn't help that the meds wore off and I had been left alone for the better part of two weeks. When we're alone we want to see someone, when we're surrounded we want to be left alone. Now, the only reason I'm mentioning this at all is to mark to myself what it looks like. Or maybe it would be useful to some guy who wants to conquer my heart. To be calm in the midst of living with a lunatic, i must admit, is very attractive. My Dad always was, but that might be because he married a woman who seemed to having her "time of the decade" to deal with. He always brought me chocolate. And between you, me, and my little sister, I never craved chocolate to sooth me. But when he would sneak it to me so my brother's wouldn't get jealous, it would make me feel better because I saw that my father loved me. He wanted to help me in any way he could.
I've probably mentioned this a thousand times, but my favorite memory is sitting on the couch with my Dad who would tuck me under his arm on a Sunday night to watch TV with the family. And I always thought that he'd want me to move so he could sit with his wife. But Dad never sat in the corner of the couch, he put her on his other side and me under his arm and kept me safe. I don't remember the shows we watched but I know that was my favorite time. listening to the dishwasher downstairs, everything clean and neat. My Dad's was the first and only man-smell I had contact with for a long time. It never occurred to me how much I liked it until I came home one year after being at school.
Anyway. Turns out I'm not going insane, and no one hates me. Masato laughed when I apologized like an infant and told me that life was simple and to never worry about those things. And Jeremy, who was the closest to being in the thick of my tornado seemed okay with it. I don't know why. Maybe he figured it out before I did what was wrong with me. He told me a while back that when his old girlfriend would PMS he knew that all he had to do was "stuff her like a whale" with food. Just take her out and feed her. That'll probably work for me too. But honestly (other than my Dad of course) no one has ever really taken care of me that way because I don't think I've ever really been comfortable enough to tell a guy what the problem was. It's really very embarrassing. If you are a guy and you stumble on this, know it's just as maddening, painful, and disgusting as you'd imagine. So, no: I don't like to talk about it. But knowing that I'm not going to mention it, makes me want to hide. I don't know if that's better than spewing venom mercilessly. See? no happy medium. But why does it have to be that I get super emo right BEFORE? It remains a mystery for far too many damaging hours before I figure it out. And then my emotions calm and the physical agony starts.
My back is already killing me this week and all I want to do is lay on the floor to stretch it out. But now I have new problems so that it makes me want to not move from my bed for at least a week. Standing up, sitting down, even getting 'excited' is an annoyance. I'd rather revert to being a little girl and play video games all night.
One thing I want to mention (and why have these entries all been so freaking LONG lately?!) is a nice thing that happened. I was on a skype dinner date with an old friend and I was going bonkers last night. Rubbing my face incessantly, typing ferociously, and I couldn't quiet my brain enough to get any interesting conversation out. And each passing silent moment was another stab of failure at my inability to control myself. After one such long silence I apologized- "I can't think of anything right to say".
He replied. "it's okay. awkward silences are true signs of love. because we're willing to share the silence. and be comfortable with it." I'd heard of the concept before (and didn't always buy it) but the fact that I think he really meant it surprised me and helped me calm down. It's okay? And as I thought about it- it was okay. I was nice to just listen to the air conditioner is someone else's home. Just lay in bed and know that someone just enjoyed my company. Not because I'm GORGEOUS or RANDY or ENTERTAINING. It was nice to have a friend there who... I guess... belonged to me? For a while? Of course we're not dating by any means but I guess that's why people long for a companion.
I think we all have a craving to belong to someone and have them belong to you. I'm a very jealous, it's true. A girl so full of passion, I become imprisoned to in my dedication. but I'm also pretty good at not showing it- I've become very practiced at swallowing that covetousness beast.
And of women too for who they are or who they have. I envy Aino for the easy way she makes and keeps certain friends, Mikan in her graceful humanity, Nikki & Ali & Lulu & Cynthia & Heather & Train Girl.
I'm tired. I have to get up and get to work to print the paperwork I forgot in order to get into ALA tomorrow. It's going to be difficult to get up- partly because I'm worried I'll go and have no friends left in the room. hm. It's going to be a difficult day no matter WHO is in the room come to think of it. O.o
FREAKING AUNT FLO. I've got the red curse! BLAH.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Maccaroni
I'm freaking out I'm freaking out.
not in that way you'd think a person would freak out but I know it.
I'm panicking about nothing. Like, nothing. I feel this intense anxiety in my chest and my head. I feel lost even though I'm sitting on my bed and my face is sunk into this permenant worried look. I know it isn't natural, there isn't anything to be upset about. but I'm upset. It makes me dizzy and my breathing is getting short because I don't know what's going to happen to me. what am I going to say? I want to post something somewhere public and ask for help. I need help. My meds wore off and this sense of doom is back. I know what I'm worried about but it's nothing! Today masato called me but my phone was dead so I didn't pick up.
when I called him back he was in a mall and he seemed disconserted about talking to me. like I've been distant. and I have ben distant, from everyone. I've just spent the last two weeks trying to stay at home and do my thing, establish some habits to build a healthy normal life. but now all my friends sound like masato. it looks like everyone is mad at me. I feel that they are even though I have no proof.
I texted him an appolgy but he hasn't replaied back. he didn't even complain to start out with so why am I feeling so guilty? I just made this whole thing up in my head. and when I saw that he wasn't on skype anymoremy stomach dropped. he must be avoiding me. oh man. I know logically that's stupid but i still feel paniced. and now jeremy is trying to reach me. but I hate him right now, don't I? am I going to say something stupid or cruel?
my fingers are twitching I don't want to stop. I don't want to take the time to talk to Jeremy when the situation with Masato feels so pending!!!
Something is WRONG with me. I can't stop thinking. I have to stop thinking. just put some macaroni in my mouth. fill my mouth until all I can think about is chewing.
Oh man, i woke him up. I'm so dumb. he's not going to know that I appologized again, said goodnight and hung up. he's going ot think it was a bad connection. why amI so stupid? ARG.
I can't even act normal during my skype dinner. WHat am I supposed to do? I can't call anyone for help. they'll just think I'm dumb or making it up. I'd Trust Masato but I think he's mad at me. and the idiot wonder Jeremy here would't know how to be sympathetic to save his life. STUFF STUFF STUFF.
not in that way you'd think a person would freak out but I know it.
I'm panicking about nothing. Like, nothing. I feel this intense anxiety in my chest and my head. I feel lost even though I'm sitting on my bed and my face is sunk into this permenant worried look. I know it isn't natural, there isn't anything to be upset about. but I'm upset. It makes me dizzy and my breathing is getting short because I don't know what's going to happen to me. what am I going to say? I want to post something somewhere public and ask for help. I need help. My meds wore off and this sense of doom is back. I know what I'm worried about but it's nothing! Today masato called me but my phone was dead so I didn't pick up.
when I called him back he was in a mall and he seemed disconserted about talking to me. like I've been distant. and I have ben distant, from everyone. I've just spent the last two weeks trying to stay at home and do my thing, establish some habits to build a healthy normal life. but now all my friends sound like masato. it looks like everyone is mad at me. I feel that they are even though I have no proof.
I texted him an appolgy but he hasn't replaied back. he didn't even complain to start out with so why am I feeling so guilty? I just made this whole thing up in my head. and when I saw that he wasn't on skype anymoremy stomach dropped. he must be avoiding me. oh man. I know logically that's stupid but i still feel paniced. and now jeremy is trying to reach me. but I hate him right now, don't I? am I going to say something stupid or cruel?
my fingers are twitching I don't want to stop. I don't want to take the time to talk to Jeremy when the situation with Masato feels so pending!!!
Something is WRONG with me. I can't stop thinking. I have to stop thinking. just put some macaroni in my mouth. fill my mouth until all I can think about is chewing.
Oh man, i woke him up. I'm so dumb. he's not going to know that I appologized again, said goodnight and hung up. he's going ot think it was a bad connection. why amI so stupid? ARG.
I can't even act normal during my skype dinner. WHat am I supposed to do? I can't call anyone for help. they'll just think I'm dumb or making it up. I'd Trust Masato but I think he's mad at me. and the idiot wonder Jeremy here would't know how to be sympathetic to save his life. STUFF STUFF STUFF.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Pluto
Y'know, I like when patterns start to emerge in my life. I can kinda guess what the future will be that way.
I know, for example that if I'm getting annoyed with Jeremy, it's because we haven't hung out face to face. Every time, no exceptions, after a couple weeks of just gmail chatting, I start to hate him. I entertain thoughts of dumping off his stupid blue fleece that's been sitting in my closet for a year now and whisking myself away to a happier life where people really listen and care about what I have to say. Maybe those people won't be so frustrating and frustrated. I even got so angry once I unfriended him- which made things worse because he didn't actually notice until I brought it up a month later. But It's nice to know that if I swallow my annoyance and think, 'fine- this will be the last time we hang out' and we actually DO hang out, no matter how we start the evening, by the end I'm feeling better. During the period in which he suddenly became uncomfortable with even a simple hug when before we were fine snuggling during a movie, going to dinner didn't have quite the same amount of satisfaction at the end. I was worried. But slowly but surely, we have some what passed that. Now he's gone back to giving me a hearty hug at the end, and I've learned to never offer to touch him at any other time. He seems to have calmed down from whatever was bugging him. This may sound strange, but he actually leaned on me when were in line for burgers tonight. I didn't say anything or even react, but it was a gesture I'm sure he has no idea how grateful I am for. And don't doubt it, before we went out I was giving him any excuse I could think of not to come. I was annoyed with him- like I am every time. Tonight only occurred after earlier in the week he post-poned because of work. I don't mind about work getting in the way, but the number one thing that bugs me about him is his complete inability to communicate anything of substance.
I am Casey, and knowing who I am means I also know the two things I love the most: gentle touch, and words of affirmation. Since Jeremy will NOT touch me without absolute cause, and he must have broken the part of his brain that makes it possible for him to say anything nice, I often feel a deep resentment towards him. (As a side note, he also tends to hide what's going on in his life from me, for one reason or another. I can't figure out why.) So what I did mind about the post-ponement was that he didn't say anything that hinted at his regretting the lost time together. I know, it sounds girly. But I think I did the right thing by responding that it would be nice to hear that he wanted to see me. Five minutes pass with no response resulting in his reply offering to try Friday (tonight) instead. I couldn't have been more blunt about what I wanted. Still- he chose the cowards route. I hate cowards.
So, yes the evening started off with me being a little upset. (Also I should mention this might be one of the last times I see him because he told me he had decided to date this new girl he met. While the thought of him banging some chick that he's not in love with makes me sick to my stomach, it's the way of the heathen world and I have to accept it... and find friends who don't disappoint me.) Not to mention the mini-fight I just had with blake a few hours before I was still steaming about. But as always, we had a short time together eating and laughing, mostly it was me listening to his stories about movies and asking questions. It doesn't bother me because I don't have to entertain. And something inside me, when we do hang out, let's me know that he actually does enjoy hanging out with me. Even if the tumor in his brain makes it impossible to say so. So, I park his car and get out. He gives me a strong hug and asks if I'm feeling better about Blake. And I am. I feel much better. I've eaten, for one thing. And for another, I don't know why, but I enjoy my time with Jeremy.
I'm sure that anyone reading this would assume I'm in love with him. And I don't know how many times I've had to say it and I'll keep saying it- I'M NOT. I've BEEN in love before- more than once and I know what it feels like. I know what it's like to have a crush and what it's like to hate someone so badly that it's actually a CRAZY crush. But this isn't like that. I feel like he's my older brother and a hand on my head is more satisfying than a hand on my butt. Who knows why I've put him in the roll of old brother, but I have. and that's disappointing on some levels. and it can be difficult when I want to show him affection but I don't know that he knows it's all platonic. He might freak out again and leave me. I don't know what's going on in his head. His friend (who drunk-kissed me in a bar the second time I ever met him) told me that Jeremy once described me as "cute". Which might be the first and last inclination I'll believe that he honestly thinks so. And it is important to me. Maybe I have to explain this over and over not to convince myself of some lie because I can't face the truth. But rather because I, myself, and mystified by it. Being with someone who makes you happy should equate to your wanting to date them, right? And why the HELL would I put any weight into this idiot's opinion, I may never know. But I'm glad we're friends. and whatever day we may stop being friends. I hope it's gentle. and not because it would weird out one of our significant others- which happened earlier this year. (but we both ending up breaking off our respective relationships.) But I hope it's because we forget and never notice drifting. Or maybe we'll always stay friends and who ever I decide to put my faith in would understand that my heart is deep and has room for lots of people.
Because i lied enough as a child to my mother, I don't want to do it again.
........ of course it might be just that every time I see him I get full of food and THAT makes me happy! :D
I know, for example that if I'm getting annoyed with Jeremy, it's because we haven't hung out face to face. Every time, no exceptions, after a couple weeks of just gmail chatting, I start to hate him. I entertain thoughts of dumping off his stupid blue fleece that's been sitting in my closet for a year now and whisking myself away to a happier life where people really listen and care about what I have to say. Maybe those people won't be so frustrating and frustrated. I even got so angry once I unfriended him- which made things worse because he didn't actually notice until I brought it up a month later. But It's nice to know that if I swallow my annoyance and think, 'fine- this will be the last time we hang out' and we actually DO hang out, no matter how we start the evening, by the end I'm feeling better. During the period in which he suddenly became uncomfortable with even a simple hug when before we were fine snuggling during a movie, going to dinner didn't have quite the same amount of satisfaction at the end. I was worried. But slowly but surely, we have some what passed that. Now he's gone back to giving me a hearty hug at the end, and I've learned to never offer to touch him at any other time. He seems to have calmed down from whatever was bugging him. This may sound strange, but he actually leaned on me when were in line for burgers tonight. I didn't say anything or even react, but it was a gesture I'm sure he has no idea how grateful I am for. And don't doubt it, before we went out I was giving him any excuse I could think of not to come. I was annoyed with him- like I am every time. Tonight only occurred after earlier in the week he post-poned because of work. I don't mind about work getting in the way, but the number one thing that bugs me about him is his complete inability to communicate anything of substance.
I am Casey, and knowing who I am means I also know the two things I love the most: gentle touch, and words of affirmation. Since Jeremy will NOT touch me without absolute cause, and he must have broken the part of his brain that makes it possible for him to say anything nice, I often feel a deep resentment towards him. (As a side note, he also tends to hide what's going on in his life from me, for one reason or another. I can't figure out why.) So what I did mind about the post-ponement was that he didn't say anything that hinted at his regretting the lost time together. I know, it sounds girly. But I think I did the right thing by responding that it would be nice to hear that he wanted to see me. Five minutes pass with no response resulting in his reply offering to try Friday (tonight) instead. I couldn't have been more blunt about what I wanted. Still- he chose the cowards route. I hate cowards.
So, yes the evening started off with me being a little upset. (Also I should mention this might be one of the last times I see him because he told me he had decided to date this new girl he met. While the thought of him banging some chick that he's not in love with makes me sick to my stomach, it's the way of the heathen world and I have to accept it... and find friends who don't disappoint me.) Not to mention the mini-fight I just had with blake a few hours before I was still steaming about. But as always, we had a short time together eating and laughing, mostly it was me listening to his stories about movies and asking questions. It doesn't bother me because I don't have to entertain. And something inside me, when we do hang out, let's me know that he actually does enjoy hanging out with me. Even if the tumor in his brain makes it impossible to say so. So, I park his car and get out. He gives me a strong hug and asks if I'm feeling better about Blake. And I am. I feel much better. I've eaten, for one thing. And for another, I don't know why, but I enjoy my time with Jeremy.
I'm sure that anyone reading this would assume I'm in love with him. And I don't know how many times I've had to say it and I'll keep saying it- I'M NOT. I've BEEN in love before- more than once and I know what it feels like. I know what it's like to have a crush and what it's like to hate someone so badly that it's actually a CRAZY crush. But this isn't like that. I feel like he's my older brother and a hand on my head is more satisfying than a hand on my butt. Who knows why I've put him in the roll of old brother, but I have. and that's disappointing on some levels. and it can be difficult when I want to show him affection but I don't know that he knows it's all platonic. He might freak out again and leave me. I don't know what's going on in his head. His friend (who drunk-kissed me in a bar the second time I ever met him) told me that Jeremy once described me as "cute". Which might be the first and last inclination I'll believe that he honestly thinks so. And it is important to me. Maybe I have to explain this over and over not to convince myself of some lie because I can't face the truth. But rather because I, myself, and mystified by it. Being with someone who makes you happy should equate to your wanting to date them, right? And why the HELL would I put any weight into this idiot's opinion, I may never know. But I'm glad we're friends. and whatever day we may stop being friends. I hope it's gentle. and not because it would weird out one of our significant others- which happened earlier this year. (but we both ending up breaking off our respective relationships.) But I hope it's because we forget and never notice drifting. Or maybe we'll always stay friends and who ever I decide to put my faith in would understand that my heart is deep and has room for lots of people.
Because i lied enough as a child to my mother, I don't want to do it again.
........ of course it might be just that every time I see him I get full of food and THAT makes me happy! :D
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