Weathertop wound bleeding

Men, I swear, are poison to me.

Monday, my darling Usagi had her heart broken in much the same way I did. She crawled into bed with me at the hotel. While she talked, I don't think she noticed the tears running down my face. I couldn't help it. From the beginning a few months ago when I heard her talk about this guy I knew that this would happen- that the same thing that happened to me. And I didn't know how to stop it. or if I even should. But I did know very well, that horrible gut wrenching pain- to see someone you love, who seemed to love you back, leave.

To end our pow-wow, I couldn't help it, I cried. Out loud. and so did she. We sobbed together and held onto each other until we laughed at the absurdity of it. And what would John think if he came in and saw these pathetic girls in this miserable weepy mess?

Since then I can't get him out of my mind. I thought I had gotten over this. I was okay with seeing pictures of him . I was even taking steps to re-friend him on some mediums. But I can't now. I'm back to holding my breath when I pass his house on the way home from work. Back to feeling like I got punched in the gut whenever I see his picture or read his name. I'm back to tears at night before I go to sleep wishing wishing wishing that I was as lucky as he- to find someone to fill this horrible hole in my heart.

To me, he is my wound at weathertop. It never quite heals so a little pressure and I'm bleeding again. I know my best chance to get over it is to have someone else in my life. During that short time a month ago that I *had* a boyfriend, I felt so much better. In fact, ever since the loss in October, I've had someone to kinda distract me or take care of me but it's all been temporary relief. Right now I don't have anyone to distract me. And I can't really tell my girl friends about this. How do you justify holding onto pointless misery? I'm a smart girl and I know remembering him is silly, so why am I still crying?

I know too, that it'll always come back to me one way or another. And tonight I had to WORST craving to talk to him. to confirm that his feelings for me was as real as I thought. To know if he misses me. I talked to him briefly but found out nothing and received no comfort. I'm not sure if being treated casually by him makes me feel better or not to be honest. I guess that makes him poison. I know I need to expel him from me to heal but when I drink I hope feverishly that my cure is located at the bottom of the bottle- so I want to drink deeply to reach my salvation. But I think maybe that delicious antidote for my wounded heart has dried up. and all that's left is the poison. Does that make sense?

I'm thirsty. I want his hand back in mine again.

It's weird but I think the same thing might be true of Jeremy. I'm not in love with him or anything but there is this HORRIBLE fact, that his opinion matters to me. Far more than it should considering how poorly he distributes it; not often and if at all- not clearly. I have to dig out any diamond compliment that might appear and then I wonder if I made it up. Nevertheless, I have fallen victim to this poison again- Letting a part of my happiness depend on people who cannot or will not make me feel better. It's my job to determine my own happiness, I know. But knowing what's best and being able to do it are two different things. And sometimes I can do it. but I'm weak right now. I'm tired from the con, frustrated with my job, disappointed with the cafe, and now I'm bleeding in more ways than one (as if one way wasn't enough). It's not an excuse I know.

But if I could wish for one thing tomorrow it would be to hear and know again (without it being an idle attempt to get into my pants) that someone important to me would still like me even if I cut my hair short and dyed it brown. Even though I have a bridge on my nose and I'm too skinny. Even though I can be obnoxiously dramatic and stubbornly opinionated. Even though I don't have a great rack and don't like to go hiking. Even though I'm allergic to cats and not spontaneous.

I'm a fool with wishing of course. But we all have to have dreams, right? Some just have to take a little longer than others to come true.