Value-Relativism

Ug. I need to remember- never text, call, facebook, skype, or email when on medications.

My back pain was so intense yesterday I took maybe twice the amount I should have for pain killers. But better to snuff that right away than suffer all day and night.

So I may have done something wrong. I’m too dramatic that way. (But this *is* the blog of womanly insanity.) Not that I didn’t put a lot of thought into it first. In fact, I struggled with myself for hours writing and re-writing. Would it be bad if I spoke up after all this time? Is there even anything left to ruin? Knowing what I do, I assume I’m just a stain on certain people’s memory. A blip on the radar at best, or just a foolish mistake. Thinking seriously about this person, I can probably more than assume- one of the last letters I got stated that if they had known I was a Mormon, he never would have met me. And if that’s where I LEFT his feelings, after all these months, I can’t imagine his attitude towards me has improved much.

Anyway, in the end I erased the long letter and left just one sentence that I hope had more meaning in it than a whole book of feelings could convey. If there was anything left to salvage regarding him, I probably just crushed it indefinitely. Never communicate under drugs.

But I am I wrong to be hurt by the last letter before the end? I thought we were such good friends- why would it matter if I’m a Mormon? Just because we can’t be together means that it’s not worth seeing me at all? And all our experiences together were a waste of time? I admit that this is a fear of mine. Because I don’t drink, party, attend regular church services, and observe other religious practices with sincerity that I’d never makes friends. I worry people that I love would reject me, forget me, fear me, resent me, ignore me, being I’m not normal or not enough. Throw me back because I’m a strong member of a faith? Mentally, I recognize it as cruel and people who would really do that I don’t want to be friends with anyway- right? But that doesn’t stop it from stinging and I worry.

In this case, I told him three times that we could only be friends. And three times, he showed it wasn’t enough for him. And I couldn’t keep seeing him if that was the choice he made. So I told him we couldn’t see each other again- if he couldn’t handle being friends. On our last night together I thought he understood that. But still, I should have known that such an extraordinarily passionate person would persist. I answered some of his emails and messages, but it was still breaching my *explicit* request for space. Then in one message he told me all that was wrong with my religion and what he couldn’t accept about it. He told me in detail how wrong headed I, and everyone I love in my religion is flawed or fooled. That wouldn’t have even bothered me so much if it hadn’t ended with a thoughtless statement that it would have been better to never have met me at all.

That was it for me. My principles had been insulted, my wishes ignored, and it was asking for too much to see me again so soon.

I hope someday that someone would see my value. I was born with a conviction and a big mouth. It’s true, I’m dramatic. And Noisy. And I can be stubborn and sensitive and whiney. But I’m also small and weak and terminally naive. So how is it I have the power to hurt others? I don’t mean to. Sigh. How is it that I was hurt and yet I feel guilty?