I'm there for you

I know it's something I picked up from my father, but have I even mentioned how much I hate the term, "There for you"? It means nothing. It’s a bad pet peeve of mine to have a problem with people who are nice for themselves rather than being nice for others.

Being available to give help to a friend isn’t such a terrible thing and I should never get upset by the offer. It’s just this horrible tweak I have. I should probably get it fixed for my own sake. At least for now I’m learning to keep my mouth shut. I can dislike anything I want as long as I don’t say so or act or it or punish someone for feeling differently.

But I think I can safely say here- I hate that phrase used selfishly.

My friend is having an emotional trauma. Not from anything that happened really or anything that’s fixable. It’s just one of those times in life where to do want to do anything or see anyone. There is no cure for your uncomfortably and everyone wants to help- but they can’t. And when you’re in that state, you don’t want anyone to try because it just makes it worse to remind yourself that they can’t. It’s just a cycle of depression that happens to some people when they grow up- around 21 I find. This friend of mine confided in me and I know they’ll be okay. But our mutual friend wants to ‘help’. And won’t drop it.

I tried to protect my friend by telling others just give it some time. but no. “Kind” people cannot relax until they feel they have acted the part of the hero. They squirm in themselves until they can proudly declare, “I’m there for you!” and their duty is done. They’re there. Well great. We know you’re there. The problem is you won’t go away. And some people have it in their minds that they have the ultimate solution. Go on a walk, take a bath, watch porn, eat more sweet things, ect. What I really hate is when people won’t quit until they feel like they’ve solved it for you. They MUST be the hero.

Have you ever felt that way? Just leave me alone. That’s what I want. That’s what I need. And I need a friend who understands that not everything can be solved the same way for every person. I want someone to say that even though it’s not okay now- it will be in the future- freaking out about making sure everything is hunky dory… and worse, when we have to make things right RIGHT NOW it’s only YOUR world that’s beautiful again. Not mine.

Have you ever had to grin and thank someone when you’re at your worst so that THEY feel good again? Seriously, you feel like crap and yet the people who claim to “be there for you” are asking for you to serve them a little more.

So they finally leave you alone, but don’t you think it’s a lot more helpful to do what your friends ask and wait patiently outside the door?

I tried to explain this. But in the end, of course, my friend had to put on a BIG FAKE GRIN so the hero would feel like he did his job. And the hero says to me, “I’m glad I can be there for them.” Makes me want to smack him. Smack him for making someone feel more alone by satisfying his own need to feel important and involved.

This is what makes me a difficult woman. I am difficult- I must be. I over think everything. If I was stupid maybe I wouldn’t notice the inherent self-centered motives. Maybe If I was stupid, I’d be happier. Sometimes it makes me want to give myself brain damage. And screw whatever benefits my deep heart and creative mind might have given me. Is it worth all this confusion? I have to marry someone smarter than me so they’ll know that I’m not just crazy and unreasonable. Maybe someone will be able to look at me intelligently and see who I am underneath the complications. And they won’t think I’m vain or selfish.

Or get bored.