Apple Mush

Okay, now I can feel okay about writing again. I just did not know what to do with the epic 100. I feel strangely proud.

I had 3 things I wanted to get done tonight. But as I booted my computer up to play my latest netflix while I did them, I was derailed when checking my email. A letter. Or more like a re-telling of a part of my life. Happy or sad, proud or not, I read it all. And Sunday, someone came to my door- just as I had always fantasized, but under the worst circumstances.

I'm just wondering- I feel up tonight because I took an extra hit of my meds so maybe now is the best time to ask this- Am I done yet? Did I learn everything I'm supposed to? No, of course not. But tonight was the first time I drove by Maytime without thinking about the lost love living only a few yards away. And I feel more confident about my path towards being forgiven for my foolishness. I'm cutting down my loses. I closed my OKC profile. I'm eating a pre-packaged lunch everyday (despite still skipping breakfast and dinner- I swear this is an improvement.) I even made it to work 10 minutes early with a shower.

I have one more date tomorrow that I agreed to go on. I hope this won't end up like they all do. I hope I can find that old peace I used to have by just being alone, with no desire for anything more. Can I just work until it's time to sleep? Let me be content with my lack of relationships- it's better that I don't get involved with anyone. Then I never cry or screw up or put anyone through any pain. I can be like I always wanted to be- Madam. Dolly. Or any other wealthy, bright, creative, and quirky older woman who never married.

Don't get me wrong, I want to get married. I want a wedding with cake, and beautiful kids that look like me and the man I fell in love with, and a house of my own to care for and to decorate. I really do want someone to hold my hand and laugh at me when I am being over dramatic or clumsy. But is it even worth trying if it always ends up a mess?

I don't want to be like my mother. She might be considered a version of Madam- living for herself, thriving in her old age, independent and brilliant. But she also can't hold down a serious relationship as witnessed by her forth marriage, her three thoroughly abused (and perhaps abandoned) children, with a manipulative and selfish lifestyle that grinds on all that's beautiful in the world. But if I had to make the choice between harming good people in an attempt to find love, and just staying single for the rest of my life- the latter sounds better.

But no, life cannot be so easy. I get pulled into these charming and aggressive men with their honesty and affection. How I adored making him smile, it's too much a part of my nature to want to love him. And if only it could be as easy as, "be sweet and kind to everyone and if you are always be honest and upfront- they'll respect you." No. Instead there are crossed lines and deep guilt mixed with temptation and curiosity. In those times when I let myself go, sweet memories are stained and the things that are supposed to bring a singular happiness make me sick to my stomach. Like a "love bite" is supposed to be just that- a sign of Love. Not a bruise that makes me so ashamed that I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. Especially one that I did not receive willingly, but was somewhat forced on me (resulting from my bad choices, I completely admit).

My tongue has mostly only known fruits with poison. If I had protected my maiden pride, perhaps I wouldn't be so terrified of tasting again. But thinking back now, I realize how in the dark I was before Kai, who opened me up to the grove. He was the one who showed me what everyone else had known for most of their lives and it really was about time I learned about it and started to wander the forest so I could start my journey towards marriage. I'll be forever grateful to him for sharing that deliciousness with me but it wasn't ripe yet. I wonder now, if I'm too damaged for anyone. Because of my childishness and lack of understanding, I don't know how to pick the right ones. Then maybe if I ever do find one ripe enough for me that will nourish my body and strengthen my spirit, will it taste strange to my tainted taste-buds? Will I even know how to eat it? OR will I clumsily mush it between my fingers?

So back to my original question- am I done for a while now? Can I go back outside the grove where there is no fruit and no failure? No broken hearts or tears or yelling or frustration or bruises?


No applesauce on my shoes?