The Vainglorious Role of Omnipotent Observer

So, Leonard sent me another memoir including the time we spent together. Those events feel like decades ago and frankly they make me feel sick. There are a lot reasons I could go into but probably the main one is because I didn’t handle it well.  Although time and reason have convinced me that not all the problems were a result of my immaturities, it still makes me ill to remember that catastrophe.

Years ago, I read his perspective on what happened and it’s amazing to see all the holes and misinterpretations. It’s like that video with 3 people in red shirts and 3 people in white shirts passing a black and white ball. At the beginning of the video we’re asked to count the number of times the black ball is handed off and at the end we are asked if we saw the giant gorilla pass through the middle, beat his chest and walk off again. I’ll be honest, the first time I watched the film- I didn’t. I still can’t believe Leonard never heard me say that I wasn’t interested. In as plain English as anyone could state it and maybe the problem was it was TOO obvious. A gorilla? It’s amazing to me because his re-telling is so detailed it feels impossible to think he never heard what I was saying.

But the experience with Leonard and subsequent “dating” since then has taught me that people often only hear what they want to. I can be as blunt as a hammer and still never get my point across. I’ve also learned that once someone is in love with you, it’s almost impossible to expect that friendship is enough. I learned that shouting loving truths at a deaf person is useless and being kind is not always the best way to communicate. The reasoning escapes me but I just know it’s true. Best intentions are not enough to combat cognitive dissonance.

I still feel responsible for the disastrous way it ended but trying to go back and fix it now would be borderline self-abuse. Leonard is definitely far beyond any power I have to help and I’ll have to trust that God knows how best to succor His children. And I’ll have to ask for God’s forgiveness for what it’s worth.

Yeah, I’ve decided not to read what he sent me. Some things Leonard will never know about that time: how painful every single morning was waking up without Kai, or any of the other destructive things I was doing to cope, or how the dorkwad Jeremy appeared as the unlikely hero to confirm my phobias about men and simultaneously restore my faith in humanity, and most importantly HOW they did it.  You discover the world really is three dimensional when you actually live in it instead of acting a vainglorious role of omnipotent observer. I know because I was that way once. Detached arrogance is the bane of today’s single.