Crutch

Ok I need to let off a little steam here.

I'm going to admit it- Yes, I have a boyfriend. But it's complicated because he's in Japan and I'm here. So we've been "dating" by talking every day for the last 4 months for about 4 hours every day. That's a lot of time.

I think he's very smart and we are very very very similar. This is becoming a problem. Because, even though I think I'm pretty mature in relationships (at least I've worked hard to be communicative and patient and loving), why is it I always end up feeling like I'm the man? Yes, there is an age difference here, he's 5 years younger than me and I normally HATE younger men. Even by a day. This one though, I though was mature enough and experienced enough in long-term relationships that he could wear the pants. And really, in the beginning, it seemed that way. I would tell him about my fears and frustrations and he could handle them brilliantly and confidently. He was a man.

Now though... for the last few weeks there has been this distinct change signified by fights. Not fights initiated by me, I know this because 90% of the time I have to think to myself, "Just apologize, smile, and try to find a better way to communicate. It's probably just cultural. I'm sure we just had a miscommunication." I'm calm. Or at least I try to be. But then it spins out of my control again and I really can't keep the peace for so many hours on end.

On Valentines day it got to be so bad with no end in sight I broke down and yelled. This is what I hate the most, I yell and he gets quiet. I don't want to have a screaming match, I just want to get my point across and have a normal conversation to help fix it. But he just listens. and listens. and then he looks like he's about to cry and apologized for being such a "bad boyfriend". I don't think he's a bad boyfriend, I just want a conversation. Was he listening or is he just sorry that he made me so mad? And Most of the time these days I don't even know where these arguments are coming from. Even before they get too heated I recognize there is an issue and I say, "I'm sorry if I communicated that wrong, all I wanted was to tell you a story I thought was funny." But suddenly he's angry and it's not until an hour later that he tells me (probably at the moment of his realization) that the reason why he's trying to correct me in how I dealt with a classmate, is because he's jealous of the classmate. How is that possible? The story was about how much I HATE that guy. That was the entire purpose!!!

But he gets into these modes where I have no idea what to do. I really think that if I'm patient and kind and loving that we can work it out and talk about it. But he says my calm tone is condescending. If it is, it's probably because I'm trying to stay calm when I'm really very upset. I just don't want my upset and misunderstandings to take over my actions. Is that horrible? I thought it was just being mature.

You know once he was angry with me because I shook my head when we were talking? He said that when I make confused faces like that it looks like I'm not listening or that I think he's stupid. What's the solution to that? I stop shaking my head? I try not to let confusion show on my face? I'm sorry but.... WTH.

So I have to explain, "No, I don't think you're stupid and I promise I am listening. I just didn't understand what you meant." But I get this anger in my stomach and it's getting worse and worse.

The thing is, I need support. This graduate school thing is really tough and I feel like I don't have the emotional energy to always be trying to think ahead and control MY FACE for example or remember to nix every conversation that I had with a guy (my TA who is engaged is included). I feel like all I do is wrong for some reason I don't understand. And I can't seem to locate the source of this masculine PMS fast enough to avoid it. Can't we just talk? I've put a lot of my hopes on this one really working out. I'm really making plans to adjust my life to this guy.

And let me tell you, living in Utah at this time of my life, I've never felt more:
OLD
SINGLE
AND ALONE
before. I mean that both physically and intellectually. I'm not a Utah-girl and there is very little here that makes me feel at home. My classmates are not supporting me intellectually as I had hoped. And even though there are plenty of Asian people on campus, they're all so young and distant it's not like I can talk to them. I really feel alone here if it wasn't for someone to talk to at nights. (Where the Hell is Jeremy? Good question. About once a month he calls me so drunk out of his mind he can't even remember what he said the day before. and I really thought we were friends.)

Due to the intense nature of my program, I've fallen significantly behind in my Japanese studies. So it's like I'm having these horrible vacillations between having to master all this super high english for communications classes, to feeling dumb as a rock in Japanese.

So I'd like to depend on this guy. I'd like to. But these days.... Look, I can't even tell him all this because if I did, I'm sure he'd be very upset and apologize over and over and then claim what a horrible person or boyfriend he is and he's so so so sorry. But there are no solutions in that, I don't need or want an apology. and I don't want to bring this up because honestly I don't know what the exact problem is. I'm just tired of being everyone else's emotional crutch.

And I have to admit... because of the feelings I outlined, I really think if this relationship doesn't work out, I may really never get married. Never.

OBTUSE MEN

I'm so frustrated by such a wasted day I can't sleep.
First I get tricked into spending a whole afternoon with Austen when I was promised we'd play Settlers, then I call back Dad who tells me I have to read 60 pages by Wednesday night which is exciting to him and not enough time for me, then ** calls right after and we talk for hours...or I do. Because I'm SOOOOOOO entertaining despite that I'm mad so I do my bad habit of running intllectual circles around him to prove to myself that it's a waste of time (I even mentioned that I was sorry for doing so because I was mad several times and he didn't even ask why), and then right after that Jeremy finally wants to talk on skype and that dude wastes my time. He won't tell me why he's sick, he won't appologize for not "being there" when I needed him, next he observes that my eyes look puffy in the latest profile photo I was proud of... (he can't say anything nice... he just has this compulsion to make sure I remember how imperfect I am) then precedes to ask me stupid questions every 20 minutes he already knows the answers to because he's too busy gaming to have a real conversation with me. To close, he then informs me that the reason the photo must be doing well is it makes my rack look huge. Which totally destroys any idea I might have had that maybe my FACE might be pretty when I've been so insecure about my acne and moles all week.

I just closed my computer without saying goodnight and tried to sleep. I'm terrified of the coming week. I feel remarkably alone, and now I can't even get the sleep I need to wake up early tomorrow so I can get my job done in time...

I know they said grad school would be isolating but I didn't expect it would be because everyone I talked to would be so oblivious.

Death Ribbon

This blog is a place to put my darkest thoughts right? When emotions run high and I just have to get it out? I'm going to write extemporaneously here and I don't have much of an idea about where it's going to go after I write down the thought that prompted it. But when I do, just nobody freak out, okay? It's just thoughts.

I was sitting feeling guilty again and wrapping this black ribbon around my fingers and I thought, "I wonder if my life will end in suicide?" In my head I pictured hanging myself with that black ribbon. Maybe an elegant replacement for a rope.

The concept of ending my life comes easily to me. The desire to be no more doesn't scare me at all. It's the actual process of going through with such a thing that keeps me alive I think. Even as a teenager I could never agree with myself about how to best go about such a thing because of how messy it would be. Sometimes when I feel intensely guilty and I curl up into a ball- even if I'm not alone, I feel depressed enough that if I had decided on a method of execution, I might go through with it. Sometimes I think that. There is probably a lot of other things involved in the process that would most likely halt me from really doing anything about it. Like thoughts of family, or hope of maybe I'm wrong to feel so bad. When I think that maybe I could be FORGIVEN however, the thought is swept aside. In that state of depression, forgiveness isn't even an option.

I know I am miles away from God right now. I have been for a while. I'm better than I was a few months ago and much better than I was when recouping from losing Kai. I'm not even getting warning signs from the Holy Ghost. So maybe He's given up on me too.

I think I'm a lost cause. But I'm still alive so... I guess I have no choice but to keep breathing in and out no matter how hypocritical or truly counterproductive it is.

I'm moving to Utah. Do you think I'll heal there? Or will my baddest instincts take advantage of the solitary life that's inseparable from being graduate student? Intellectually I feel really alone. Who can explain this to me so I can understand?  Who out there is smart enough and good enough to teach me what I'm doing wrong and how to combat this vice? It feels like no one I could talk to would understand. The only people I would tell are the people already encouraging me to keep going. It's not until they see me cry that they try to tell me everything is okay. It's not okay. It's not fine. I'm less and less of a person the more often I fail. What help could they offer? I have to shoulder my own yoke. Lord, it's getting so heavy.

I can't deal with it- I don't understand it. I'm not just a lost cause, I'm just plain lost.

I'm going to see Jeremy before I leave. I'm positive I'll fail again. I'll be base and destructive and stupid and angry. After it's over, I'll regret the time spent with him and I'll always remorse what beautiful friendship we had. The best things always turn into the largest and stankiest cow-pies. I have a good memory for things like that and I don't forgive myself easily. I'm not even sure I like myself.

So what's the use? If life is pain, why would I keep enduring life? Giving up all that's associated with my life here in LA, I've got very little right now keeping me positive. Moving and packing, I'm alone all day everyday feeling worthless and unsuccessful and the feeling is deepening. I muse how deep it will get before I see the light again. How far down do I have yet to go this week before I change my life by moving to Utah? And then, as I asked before- what will that do to me?

I feel really alone tonight. But don't worry- I don't know the first thing about suicide. I think I'll just go to bed early and hope someone notices.

On a better note, I think I'm going to need to start seeing a therapist again. Maybe a physiatrist to work with me on getting better drugs for ADD. My last doctor said there is a component in Adderall that treats depression but he thinks I may need a different kind to deal with anxiety instead. Perhaps... it's the drugs that are making me feel this way. Maybe not.

I don't think so.

The Vainglorious Role of Omnipotent Observer

So, Leonard sent me another memoir including the time we spent together. Those events feel like decades ago and frankly they make me feel sick. There are a lot reasons I could go into but probably the main one is because I didn’t handle it well.  Although time and reason have convinced me that not all the problems were a result of my immaturities, it still makes me ill to remember that catastrophe.

Years ago, I read his perspective on what happened and it’s amazing to see all the holes and misinterpretations. It’s like that video with 3 people in red shirts and 3 people in white shirts passing a black and white ball. At the beginning of the video we’re asked to count the number of times the black ball is handed off and at the end we are asked if we saw the giant gorilla pass through the middle, beat his chest and walk off again. I’ll be honest, the first time I watched the film- I didn’t. I still can’t believe Leonard never heard me say that I wasn’t interested. In as plain English as anyone could state it and maybe the problem was it was TOO obvious. A gorilla? It’s amazing to me because his re-telling is so detailed it feels impossible to think he never heard what I was saying.

But the experience with Leonard and subsequent “dating” since then has taught me that people often only hear what they want to. I can be as blunt as a hammer and still never get my point across. I’ve also learned that once someone is in love with you, it’s almost impossible to expect that friendship is enough. I learned that shouting loving truths at a deaf person is useless and being kind is not always the best way to communicate. The reasoning escapes me but I just know it’s true. Best intentions are not enough to combat cognitive dissonance.

I still feel responsible for the disastrous way it ended but trying to go back and fix it now would be borderline self-abuse. Leonard is definitely far beyond any power I have to help and I’ll have to trust that God knows how best to succor His children. And I’ll have to ask for God’s forgiveness for what it’s worth.

Yeah, I’ve decided not to read what he sent me. Some things Leonard will never know about that time: how painful every single morning was waking up without Kai, or any of the other destructive things I was doing to cope, or how the dorkwad Jeremy appeared as the unlikely hero to confirm my phobias about men and simultaneously restore my faith in humanity, and most importantly HOW they did it.  You discover the world really is three dimensional when you actually live in it instead of acting a vainglorious role of omnipotent observer. I know because I was that way once. Detached arrogance is the bane of today’s single.

Depressing Snob

Which am I: stuck up or self-defeating? I’ve never been called stuck-up before but I don’t know anyone who would come right out and use that term since I was in Junior High. But it’s possible.

My nature is fighting me here at this job, I’d like to defend myself but really, what’s the point to do that when the accusation is based on silliness?

Here is the latest example: I set a meeting, I get an email from an attendee stating that my Boss sent out a cancelation and wanted to know if we needed to find another time for it.

It’s still on MY view of my boss’s calendar, but not hers. Considering the facts, obviously… my boss accidentally must have canceled it. I asked her, “Did you cancel this for a reason?” She has no idea what I’m talking about, denies she knew anything about it, I politely suggest that maybe it’s an Outlook glitch. “Casey,” she huffs, “we’ve got to communicate better- I can’t keep dealing with these Outlook things! UGG.” She’s blaming me as though I made this happen… I don’t say anything. Just agree, apologize, and sit down to re-send the event and cc her apologizing for the confusion.  

Personally, I’d like to put my hands on my hips and explain I only did what I was told. But past employment has taught me- nobody is paying to hear excuses.

Knowing that these kind of issues wouldn’t not be an issue to an assistant better than me is little comfort. The problem is here and now and I’m the one who gets to catch the hot potato. I’m waiting for a moment when I do something really well to drop the news that I’m going away to school and btw I’d like to keep this job until I leave. Seems unlikely. Maybe the news will make them want to ditch the idea of keeping me around as long as they can. Or Maybe it would reassure them that I’m not here for the long hall and proposing an end-date in August works out to secure my placement here. Who knows.

In the meantime, I still feel a twist in my stomach when stuff goes wrong. I keep thinking to myself something between modestly learning and feeling out of place and under-employed.

In general, life is just fine right now. It’s teetering a tad but not awful by any means. I’m just considering today- do I trust my thinking that I can do great things or am I really as bad as I feel?

Big Baby

I don’t think I’m fitted to understand the beauty of working for a hugely bloated company like Disney: I just had a mini talking-to. I sent an email to a set of assistants with a list of attendees. I had one named crossed out to show that particular assistant that her boss wasn’t needed anymore.

I got the blame for hurt feelings…

Yes, I feel very lucky…. So lucky…

Get away

I think I really need to get out of here. Out of the ward. Out of California. Away from everyone here. People who are getting married (LDS and not), and away from this mediocre existence. The Dorkwad is worst. In all ways, that friendship seems corrupted. To top that off, he can't even give me a warning about his new gf? How am I expected to deal with that bomb from out of no where? Like nothings changed? Of course it has and that's OK but... after all this time I don't deserve a headsup? A nod of civility in my direction? Talk about feeling used.

So officially as of last night, I have nothing to stay for. Even Masasto is finally leaving the country so if I was truely dumb enough to visit that disaster again I couldn't.

So I guess everyone is moving on from me. I'm going to leave his keys in the mailbox and just get out of here. My mother has always been a big fan of the restart button but I never was as far as it applied to relationships. But maybe this is how it manifests in me.

If everyone is going to move on, then I don't want to stay... I don't even care where I go, as long as it's not here.