Zombie Dream

I had a long dream last night about the zombie apocalypse. It was pretty omni-present no matter what I was dreaming about. Including the end of the dream where all the zombies were decomposing enough that everything was turning back to normal and I found my ex. So now that it was safe, we ran to his old apartment where he lived when I first met him. And even though he was married, we kissed and joked about them never finding us, and it was a new beginning for us. But as we stepped outside, there she was- all the way from Florida with her mother, and my step-mother and sister. She was white for some reason. They invited us to dinner now that the apocalypse was over and we (my family and I) reluctantly accepted. And I had to drive downtown with her holding his hand and kissing his cheek and singing a song. She had a very pretty voice.

Stupid zombies.

Strange thing is, even though it was a zombie dream in the way that people come back from the dead, it was also a zombie dream to be remembering these people who should be long gone from my memory. I wish they'd stay dead sometimes but they keep coming back. All decayed and everything.

food focus

I'm on a link kick this morning. I can't focus. I didn't eat much on Sunday or Monday and I was too grummpy to eat more than lunch and a few crackers on Tuesday. That might be the problem. Ironicly, I just wanted to save this link for myself because I remember almost all of these:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/25-foods-youll-never-eat-again

i should have just gone to bed.

Totally ungrateful b**** moment:

My parents sent me a gift for my birthday so I waited 'til midnight to open it.

It's a book on 100 simple and stylish ways to fold napkins.

7:15pm

Got to work an hour early today. By accident of course, but it happened. In answer to my previous post's question- Yes; even when I get to work early, I still leave at around 7.

An ethernet cord fell on my head today

Long day... is long.
Started off with IT calling me (from Virginia) at home saying the server was down... and it's up to me to see what's up. But before I could swoop in and save the day, the manager took it upon himself to call someone not qualified to help and UNPLUGGED CRAP which took me a nice chunk of time to fix.

Then I got shouted at because I told them to wait for me next time there was an issue. "Well what did you expect us to do?! You don't get it Casey!" I get it plenty. I get it better than you do. That's why you pay me. But Prince Jason of MCW understood me. Even though I'm sure he doesn't think I heard him, he said it wan't my fault. And that was nice.

Final answer, I need to get to work earlier. But if I do, will I still end up staying until 7? It would be nice to have my evenings back.

Can I Live Alone?

Sometimes I think I'd like to try living alone. When I first moved to L.A. even if that was financially possible, I'm pretty sure that would have been a tremendously bad idea. But as my roommate is gone for the next week and a half, I caught the thought that I wonder what it would be like to be the sole determiner of how clean my kitchen is. And if I cooked or baked every Sunday as I always planned and I was never afraid of getting in someone's way or being horrified at the disaster the last person left in a rush, would I? Would I scrub like I did tonight?

First it started in my room, slowly. I turned on my latest Netflix 'Coraline' and microwaved myself a dinner with a Wild Cherry Diet Pepsi. I text-chatted with my new friend and I browsed OKCupid in a passive-agressive attempt to lick my wounds from the other night. Then it kinda began, I picked up the art mess from the billboard project, put away the documents on my desk, swept, hung my clothes, and took out the trash. But i needed a new trash bag and as I went to retrieve one from the kitchen... I was disgusted. I put the new bag on the counter and started to put things away.

Then I emptied and filled the dish washer. But after that it only feels natural to wipe out the sink. and the the appliances. That lead to noticing the walls and the sticky counters and the fridge and the floors and celling and... well an hour and a half later I think, I finally picked up the trash bag and walked it to my room.

All the while I thought about Cynthia and maybe living on my own. Not that it's her fault of course. She has a lot of great qualities that make living with a little dirt a small sacrifice. But I thought a lot about being 'not international enough'. I wonder if I shouldn't have taken this job so seriously and went ahead with my plans to apply to teach english in Japan. Or maybe I should take more formal classes in Japanese. Or maybe I need to look at studying to take the GMAT and applying to get into grad school. Then I can be the international woman I dreamed of and forget letting the river I'm in take me the slightly mundane course I'm on. There's no adventure and life in fear. and I have a lot of fear. Having a masters wouldn't change me but it might put me on a path towards delaying dating.

I know, I sound obsessive but right now for some reason I am focused like a lazer. I even said so in my prayer over dinner tonight that even though this is the focus of my mind right now, it's only possible because of the blessings God has given me so I don't have to worry about other things. I don't have a huge medical bill to pay off, I'm relatively healthy with a lot of good friends, a good solid job that I like, I have a lovely home (that is 70% clean now), my car is running, my family is safe and happy (minus one little brother who is struggling with life), and I am still attractive enough to feel confident.

So I have to remind myself of two things. The first is life is good and I should be grateful for that. And the second is that if God has a plan for us all and He wants me to be happy in this life, then I'm going to have faith enough to want to bend my will to what he wants for me even if it's not what I have in mind right now. But I did ask God that if what I'm doing isn't the best possible choice to fulfill his will according to that great unknown happiness, that He let me know. Or at least when I see the right (or better) path, that I'll be sensitive enough to know that's what I should do, even if I don't know why or don't like it. I asked him to help me be prepared for whatever it is and in the meantime, to help me have peace and not let me be frustrated by the things I don't understand.

Help me stay away from men who would use me. And how would that work out? To deal with the great temptation of living alone, and I don't mean MY OWN temptation. I mean people like Phillip who lied to me this week. I need a break from him. But if we don't stay friends, I don't think either of us will consider it a great loss. I'll miss him, but it's probably for the best. The point is, if I lived alone, would I ever want to come out again into the sunlight? or would I waste away in front of my computer? Or would I be ready to take the responsibility of the cleanliness of my place when I invite over that special person?

...It makes me sad to think about how I couldn't sleep because I worried so badly that my house wouldn't be ready to welcome Mr. 10 Days. I worked so hard to get it ready... I really wanted that to work so badly... "Not international enough". Huh... maybe I'll sleep on the couch again tonight...

...waiting

hello good old blogger. I return to thee after another heartbreak. That's 2 this week. So I may as well recap for the people just joining.

Let me tell you the story that ended tonight.

A month or two ago I met a really wonderful guy. I liked him, a lot. And for me, that's saying something. He asked me out once and then again. At the end of our second date I told him I'd be busy that weekend so he said he'd see me after those 10 days. 10 days goes by. I hear nothing.
11 days.
12 days.
13 days. I decide it's time to take action.
14 days. I text him gently to find out what's up. He immediately writes back that he's studying for the bar exam and has no time for frivolities. I'm okay with that , I understand work comes first.
another week and a half goes by and I hear nothing. Everyone can see how excited I am about him. even my co-workers ask me what's up and every time I have to admit that I have no idea. it's like he just disappeared which is even more strange the fact that he live within walking distance of my home.
So I decide to take a little more action. I put together a collection of foods I thought he'd like from around my house, put them in a nice bad and the tied it shut with a black hair ribbon (I heard that it's good if you leave something behind that smells like you.) I walked it to his house and he was so flattered he walked me home. He held my hand and told me what his life was like. Even though it was nice, I felt like I was the puppy from lady and the tramp who had escaped her bed and was now being escorted back to where I belonged. We had kissed on our previous date but not this time. He tells me he'd be studying until July 24th. That's at least a month. I promise not to bother him.
July 25th... nothing.
July 26....
July 27.......
today is July 28th. I went to the ward film festival all gussied up and not thinking about it until he showed up.

Long story of the evening short his last act of the night was to finally approach me. I told him I had missed him and it was good to see him again. He hesitated and finally, haltingly, told me the truth. First it was a bunch of gook about how busy he was and now he wanted to relax. Then it was more merda about how he wanted me to be free to date. I just stayed quiet. I thought I'd help him out for a bit and say it was okay, but it really wasn't. The way he was looking at the floor told me that's wasn't everything. So I waited.
3 seconds....
6 seconds....
An eternity...
Y'know he looked just the same as the last time I saw him- just really adorable. Finally he looked up and some how communicated that I was not what he was looking for in a partner. He wanted someone more international that spoke chinese and now that he was 36 he didn't have time to waste anymore. He thinks I'm very smart and very kind but he wanted to be honest with me.
Well, at last anyway.

Somehow at that point we exchanged a few sentences about dating inside the church vs. catholic people and how he didn't want to hang out because I'd get the wrong idea. something. It doesn't matter at that point. I forgot. Some annoying friends who were too dumb to see the intense situation I was in called out to me. He gave me a weak hug goodbye (which was much worse than the one he gave me when he first saw me tonight- like he was glad he came just so he could see me) and then left.

It really hurts. I spent the rest of my night trying not to tear up. talking to people. driving home. Posting photos on fb from the event. I know we didn't date long but I had so much hope for this one. A lot of energy and love I rested on him. And as I dated and went on with life for the last few months he was always in the back of my mind. I was just waiting. I told everyone, I'm waiting until the end of July. and...
To keep from getting too emotional, I'm just going to skip whatever other memories I have that made me like him so much. Or I'll try. I guess i just need to keep looking...

1 minute....
2 minutes....
3 minutes....

I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight. maybe that'll help...