PARDON MY RANT. You have GOT to be kidding me.
I took a walk outside after FHE for like and HOUR and I was in the car for only an hour or two after that and I ust enjoyed the brisk cold.
I've even gained a few pounds! I'm eating 3 times a day (even if they're not all meals) I'm sleeping regularly, (except for the bad dreams) and I even considered my walk a little exercise! I thought I was doing well! You're telling me I CAUGHT A COLD?! It was like an hour! An HOUR and I'm sick?!
OH HELL NO.
no no no no. noooooo
don't wanna be sick.. I'm so close to finishing the disaster in my room... it was gonna look so good...
gahhhhh I can't breathe....
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
A League on my Own
For the past few years after a failed FHE, where I feel the pang and bitterness of being an otaku in a normal world, I've developed this... thing? That I do. I've only been caught a handful of times by concerned but relatively unconnected onlookers. I'll stay there in my car for hours after it's over.
Before I had my ipod touch I used to call my Dad and I'd ask him about how the family is doing. Nothing reminds me I have a place on Earth more than being with my family. Even just hearing their voices on the answering machine reminds me of who I am. Listening to my Dad talk about all that they're doing normally soothes me. But for the last year or so by the time FHE is over it's too late to call home so instead I play with my ipod.
Why do I stay there like that? They lock the building, turn off all the lights, and bolt the gates so I have to use the automated exit to leave. But I stay in my car for hours and hours after everyone else has gone home.
I used to think it was because I didn't want to go home. And sometimes I think it's because my meds have worn off. But I really only do it on nights like tonight. When I feel like a stranger in the middle of those who are supposedly the group from which I have to choose an eternal companion. And I wonder what's so wrong with me that they would leave me to sit alone to watch everyone play games together because there is not enough room. No one offered to talk to me, or make a space for me because I was late. Why is it that when I'm with these people I feel small and so strange? Even the Relief Society president gave me this cold and withering look of contempt. and my confidence shriveled a little more.
A few weeks ago at knotts, Aino actually started to yell at me in the parking lot. I wasn't even fighting with her, she just had gotten herself into a frenzy of feelings by rambling unhalted about the things that most annoyed her and suddenly I was the subject of her frustrations because I was dating too much. I didn't have the time to see her and friends are more important in youth than dating.
I often forget she's only just 23. At the time of that conversation she was 22 and has no point of reference to understand the significance of what a loving companion might mean to me. Logically speaking, she might be trying to justify her own bitter decision to hand milk out for free. Regardless, she has no understanding or concern for the things I want for myself. I'm not mad at her. I let her yell at me until she was out of breath. Then I drove her out and bought her dinner.
So maybe I don't belong there either. With those young and beautiful girls. I'm not asian, I'm not in school, and I'm not even very well versed in anime as they all are. In truth, I grew out of fandom for fandom's sake a long time ago.
Where do I fit in?
One other story I should mention, I offered to make Masato a cake for his birthday to make up for the fact that my Dad was in town the same night. But he asked me not to deliver it until Sunday. I bought everything I needed to bake it and I was ready to present my creation when a mutual friend told me of a small surprise party for him on Sunday night instead. I offered to bring my cake but they said they didn't need it... Instead I brought special funky candles I had found that I thought he'd like. But some other girl brought trick candles which everyone liked, so I left my small offering in my purse. I also wrapped a small gift and brought it to the occation. I didn't know Masato already owned it, which he told me upon opening it when no one was looking. Mine was the only gift but it still wasn't very good I guess. He left without saying goodbye to me which seems in tune with his new approach to our friendship- he kinda looks at me as though I were an thankless Ex Mistake rather than a close friend. At least that's how it feels for the last couple weeks...
I just remebered, tonight at FHE, he came even later than me. But when he walked in, someone got him a chair. I think that's why he and I would never work out. Which is what I told him from the start- he's just too cool for me.
We're not in the same league.
Before I had my ipod touch I used to call my Dad and I'd ask him about how the family is doing. Nothing reminds me I have a place on Earth more than being with my family. Even just hearing their voices on the answering machine reminds me of who I am. Listening to my Dad talk about all that they're doing normally soothes me. But for the last year or so by the time FHE is over it's too late to call home so instead I play with my ipod.
Why do I stay there like that? They lock the building, turn off all the lights, and bolt the gates so I have to use the automated exit to leave. But I stay in my car for hours and hours after everyone else has gone home.
I used to think it was because I didn't want to go home. And sometimes I think it's because my meds have worn off. But I really only do it on nights like tonight. When I feel like a stranger in the middle of those who are supposedly the group from which I have to choose an eternal companion. And I wonder what's so wrong with me that they would leave me to sit alone to watch everyone play games together because there is not enough room. No one offered to talk to me, or make a space for me because I was late. Why is it that when I'm with these people I feel small and so strange? Even the Relief Society president gave me this cold and withering look of contempt. and my confidence shriveled a little more.
A few weeks ago at knotts, Aino actually started to yell at me in the parking lot. I wasn't even fighting with her, she just had gotten herself into a frenzy of feelings by rambling unhalted about the things that most annoyed her and suddenly I was the subject of her frustrations because I was dating too much. I didn't have the time to see her and friends are more important in youth than dating.
I often forget she's only just 23. At the time of that conversation she was 22 and has no point of reference to understand the significance of what a loving companion might mean to me. Logically speaking, she might be trying to justify her own bitter decision to hand milk out for free. Regardless, she has no understanding or concern for the things I want for myself. I'm not mad at her. I let her yell at me until she was out of breath. Then I drove her out and bought her dinner.
So maybe I don't belong there either. With those young and beautiful girls. I'm not asian, I'm not in school, and I'm not even very well versed in anime as they all are. In truth, I grew out of fandom for fandom's sake a long time ago.
Where do I fit in?
One other story I should mention, I offered to make Masato a cake for his birthday to make up for the fact that my Dad was in town the same night. But he asked me not to deliver it until Sunday. I bought everything I needed to bake it and I was ready to present my creation when a mutual friend told me of a small surprise party for him on Sunday night instead. I offered to bring my cake but they said they didn't need it... Instead I brought special funky candles I had found that I thought he'd like. But some other girl brought trick candles which everyone liked, so I left my small offering in my purse. I also wrapped a small gift and brought it to the occation. I didn't know Masato already owned it, which he told me upon opening it when no one was looking. Mine was the only gift but it still wasn't very good I guess. He left without saying goodbye to me which seems in tune with his new approach to our friendship- he kinda looks at me as though I were an thankless Ex Mistake rather than a close friend. At least that's how it feels for the last couple weeks...
I just remebered, tonight at FHE, he came even later than me. But when he walked in, someone got him a chair. I think that's why he and I would never work out. Which is what I told him from the start- he's just too cool for me.
We're not in the same league.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Lungs suck and blow
Since I discovered the place I offered to help get organized considers me a time-suck (and as my friends who care about me say; who wants to hang out with people who don't like you or want to help them out...) I've had to turn my craving for order to my own house. If today works out, I'll visit the container store and have a more grown up room by EOD.
It probably won't work out. But I have nothing to do today other than a random baby shower. And I am NOT going to Aino's lover's concert. He's a nice guy and I love my hime-sama but I don't have to support the douche she's b******. Sorry, I can't think of a nicer way to say it and it's the truth.
I guess what I was saying to Aino about the lost friend involved in the cleaning opportunity, also applies to her situation. I'm disappointed. Not mad, just sad about it.
ps. Just last week I was confussed about why someone would spend all their time and energy on people who were rude to them and ignore my efforts to be a good friend. For someone trying to avoid wasting time, It's irnoic. XD Although I can relate.
pps. Does this post make any sense at all? .___.
ppps. lol. I'm lonely.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
All Things All People
Sigh. Not again. :/ But I blame myself for not having enforced boundaries.
However, peach snow ice was awesome.
One other comment, I was called a number of things last night. One was 'Extraordinary' which felt like a 2 dollah word. Also an Effing Tease. But of course they didn't say "effing". I'm really not used to having someone describe me with the f word. I'm sure they meant it as a compliment but it took me out of the moment. I have a hard time swallowing Tease, but and effing tease? I guess that's what happens when I let my debutant side sit on the backburner.
People always seem surprised when they find out about a different side of my personality. Like everyone else only has one.
Of course I'm delicate and i don't like horror movies. But I also love action movies, guns, and ninjas. Of course I like jazz and classical music. I also listen to rock and pop songs. But I also like some kinds of rap and top 40. Metallica, Martin Leung, Green Day, Moosebutter, Ludo, Weird Al, Victor Borge, and Kannon. Why do people have a disconnect when I wear glasses verses contacts? Or when they find out I have a healthy libido? Like everyone else?
One night during a grim summer in Vegas, I was up late writing in my cream colored diary. I was in 8th grade I think and I had just made a new set of otaku friends. In it, I drew pictures of myself in different outfits and personalities and wrote alongside it the question, "Who am I?" I remember a distinct epiphany at that time where I felt like my brain had just grown- I'm everything, of course. Well, not EVERYTHING. Just the things I want to be.
Sometimes I wonder if the ability to like so many different things came from so much isolation. If I have to thank those summers, then I will. But I'd rather not.
However, peach snow ice was awesome.
One other comment, I was called a number of things last night. One was 'Extraordinary' which felt like a 2 dollah word. Also an Effing Tease. But of course they didn't say "effing". I'm really not used to having someone describe me with the f word. I'm sure they meant it as a compliment but it took me out of the moment. I have a hard time swallowing Tease, but and effing tease? I guess that's what happens when I let my debutant side sit on the backburner.
People always seem surprised when they find out about a different side of my personality. Like everyone else only has one.
Of course I'm delicate and i don't like horror movies. But I also love action movies, guns, and ninjas. Of course I like jazz and classical music. I also listen to rock and pop songs. But I also like some kinds of rap and top 40. Metallica, Martin Leung, Green Day, Moosebutter, Ludo, Weird Al, Victor Borge, and Kannon. Why do people have a disconnect when I wear glasses verses contacts? Or when they find out I have a healthy libido? Like everyone else?
One night during a grim summer in Vegas, I was up late writing in my cream colored diary. I was in 8th grade I think and I had just made a new set of otaku friends. In it, I drew pictures of myself in different outfits and personalities and wrote alongside it the question, "Who am I?" I remember a distinct epiphany at that time where I felt like my brain had just grown- I'm everything, of course. Well, not EVERYTHING. Just the things I want to be.
Sometimes I wonder if the ability to like so many different things came from so much isolation. If I have to thank those summers, then I will. But I'd rather not.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Random 10
Plenty to say, but I can't say it.
So, 10 random little known facts about me.
1. My father is coming to stay with me Tuesday (tomorrow) night. I'm trying to clean up for him but I lost my afternoon meds so I'm feeling rather despondent and lost. Glad I didn't go to FHE.
2. I can't wear a bikini for a few reasons. Two of them are- I have a mole on my back that I hate. With white skin like mine, it's very obvious.... and since it's on my back, I can't observe when people notice it. The handful of people who HAVE seen it, have never mentioned it to me. Which I take as a bad sign. The other reason is similar, my spine. When I'm thin like this, it shows. A girl I know was scratching my back last night and said, "Oh Casey... your spine...." I almost forgot about it. But unlike the little dot on my back, many people HAVE mentioned this to me.
In fact, everyone has. ._. oh geez.
3. I'm feeling jealous atm. But I'll probably do nothing about it. It's not in me to say so. :x
4. I don't own sneakers, which I think is a pretty valid reason to not go hiking.
5. I like cream pies but I don't like fruit pies unless they're heated. I don't like sandwiches unless they have some green in them.
6. I said, "green" because I'm too lazy to look up how to spell the word "lettuce", which I just did for the sake of writing this explanation.
7. I love the sound of rain but I'm always distracted too quickly to listen to it exclusively for long. I wish I had more patience.
8. I have a peach soda on my desk that I haven't had yet for only one reason- I can't get it open. When I tried the cap cut my hand. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone for help or tell anyone how I cut my hand. And if I did ask for someone's help, I'd have to drink it in front of them- which is rude, I think. So... now it's just a delicious taunting ornament...
9. I keep my diary with my 72 hour emergency kit.
10. It was a pretty lonely day. (If it wasn't obvious. lol)
So, 10 random little known facts about me.
1. My father is coming to stay with me Tuesday (tomorrow) night. I'm trying to clean up for him but I lost my afternoon meds so I'm feeling rather despondent and lost. Glad I didn't go to FHE.
2. I can't wear a bikini for a few reasons. Two of them are- I have a mole on my back that I hate. With white skin like mine, it's very obvious.... and since it's on my back, I can't observe when people notice it. The handful of people who HAVE seen it, have never mentioned it to me. Which I take as a bad sign. The other reason is similar, my spine. When I'm thin like this, it shows. A girl I know was scratching my back last night and said, "Oh Casey... your spine...." I almost forgot about it. But unlike the little dot on my back, many people HAVE mentioned this to me.
In fact, everyone has. ._. oh geez.
3. I'm feeling jealous atm. But I'll probably do nothing about it. It's not in me to say so. :x
4. I don't own sneakers, which I think is a pretty valid reason to not go hiking.
5. I like cream pies but I don't like fruit pies unless they're heated. I don't like sandwiches unless they have some green in them.
6. I said, "green" because I'm too lazy to look up how to spell the word "lettuce", which I just did for the sake of writing this explanation.
7. I love the sound of rain but I'm always distracted too quickly to listen to it exclusively for long. I wish I had more patience.
8. I have a peach soda on my desk that I haven't had yet for only one reason- I can't get it open. When I tried the cap cut my hand. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone for help or tell anyone how I cut my hand. And if I did ask for someone's help, I'd have to drink it in front of them- which is rude, I think. So... now it's just a delicious taunting ornament...
9. I keep my diary with my 72 hour emergency kit.
10. It was a pretty lonely day. (If it wasn't obvious. lol)
Friday, January 20, 2012
Thinking of Martin.
Random thoughts from the last couple hours:
I'm invited to a last minute party for Kenny? How... Ironic. -_-
My dear idol pianist Martin Leung was much cuter before he turned into an uber buffed out skater. Still... I would love to bite that CUTE distended lip of his...
I love nicknames. I like when people give me nicknames. I know not everyone like them, but it's like a hug. Not being able to give someone a nickname because they don't like it is like not being able to give them a hug. It's so weird to stop myself from doing it. Feels cold.
Why should I go see Phillip? Because I owe him. but it would be following a pattern of good behavior if I didn't.
A saturday free and I filled it up, didn't I? Darn it...
What am I supposed to wear? Something I can sleep in? ... What am I thinking. O.o
A wild tattoo on his back huh? That's explains the feeling of freedom when I watch him dance.
Robot men... <3 Cute.
Maybe I was destined to make little yellow babies. Or not. Either or.
How about something actually INTERESTING this time?
I wonder if I deleted my fb page, how many people would notice? Would I be depressed at the number?
Tivo wins again! Wait what?
Oh Martin. Please do me. I swear I'm not a hideous fat underage fangirl.... I'm a hideous SKINNY overage (for you) fangirl.
I'm invited to a last minute party for Kenny? How... Ironic. -_-
My dear idol pianist Martin Leung was much cuter before he turned into an uber buffed out skater. Still... I would love to bite that CUTE distended lip of his...
I love nicknames. I like when people give me nicknames. I know not everyone like them, but it's like a hug. Not being able to give someone a nickname because they don't like it is like not being able to give them a hug. It's so weird to stop myself from doing it. Feels cold.
Why should I go see Phillip? Because I owe him. but it would be following a pattern of good behavior if I didn't.
A saturday free and I filled it up, didn't I? Darn it...
What am I supposed to wear? Something I can sleep in? ... What am I thinking. O.o
A wild tattoo on his back huh? That's explains the feeling of freedom when I watch him dance.
Robot men... <3 Cute.
Maybe I was destined to make little yellow babies. Or not. Either or.
How about something actually INTERESTING this time?
I wonder if I deleted my fb page, how many people would notice? Would I be depressed at the number?
Tivo wins again! Wait what?
Oh Martin. Please do me. I swear I'm not a hideous fat underage fangirl.... I'm a hideous SKINNY overage (for you) fangirl.
Lost chance.
Well this...sucks.
Not everything sucks. But this does. I wonder if I should have done something different to make things better but looking back, I did what I thought was right at the time. And now I've done what I thought to do to make up for lost time. And not there isn't anything more I can do. I guess that's the way of life. If I were to wise up i'd notice sooner that it happens every time: I see them leaving me and I realize TOO LATE how important they are to me. Too late. In this case I even had a false alarm a year ago to make me realize how strongly I felt, but I didn't do anything about it. Truth to tell, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I just went with the flow. and Now their flow looks like it's flowing away from me.
Remembering, I can't control anything but myself. And sometimes not even then. It's like watching a movie... or playing a minor role in the theater of my life. Right now probably isn't the clearest time to be thinking about these things.
What a long week... 50 hour work week... My body is really hating me, I've never felt it so tired from work I *enjoy* and not be excited. I look like a mess, more than usual. I need a hair cut and nice long bath. I need time to sleep. Just time to sleep. My back hurts deeply every time I try to relax (slouch). and my eyes ache again from getting mascara in my eyes again.
I walked out into the street to go home tonight but I didn't want to step off the curb. It felt to soon. Not right. I didn't want to go home. But I am home now and it's already 1:30am. I need to get up and work some photoshop magic or scrape the disgusting layer of filth and/or disappointment from my body.
Sometimes I want to get a hotel room for a night. Just so I have a clean bed and sterile showers. it's peaceful in hotels. It's private and fun and time seems so much more potent. Let's go to a hotel darling and bring back sushi in plastic bags. We'll use up all the hot water and flip through crappy TV shows. and then climb into crisp white sheets and cuddle up tight to fight the cold.
Maybe that's what I'll put in my Valentine's Day application. Wanted: Arm to go around my waist, peach soda, one sincere compliment. Payment: Home cooked dinner and dessert, movie viewing partner, commitment not included.
Not everything sucks. But this does. I wonder if I should have done something different to make things better but looking back, I did what I thought was right at the time. And now I've done what I thought to do to make up for lost time. And not there isn't anything more I can do. I guess that's the way of life. If I were to wise up i'd notice sooner that it happens every time: I see them leaving me and I realize TOO LATE how important they are to me. Too late. In this case I even had a false alarm a year ago to make me realize how strongly I felt, but I didn't do anything about it. Truth to tell, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I just went with the flow. and Now their flow looks like it's flowing away from me.
Remembering, I can't control anything but myself. And sometimes not even then. It's like watching a movie... or playing a minor role in the theater of my life. Right now probably isn't the clearest time to be thinking about these things.
What a long week... 50 hour work week... My body is really hating me, I've never felt it so tired from work I *enjoy* and not be excited. I look like a mess, more than usual. I need a hair cut and nice long bath. I need time to sleep. Just time to sleep. My back hurts deeply every time I try to relax (slouch). and my eyes ache again from getting mascara in my eyes again.
I walked out into the street to go home tonight but I didn't want to step off the curb. It felt to soon. Not right. I didn't want to go home. But I am home now and it's already 1:30am. I need to get up and work some photoshop magic or scrape the disgusting layer of filth and/or disappointment from my body.
Sometimes I want to get a hotel room for a night. Just so I have a clean bed and sterile showers. it's peaceful in hotels. It's private and fun and time seems so much more potent. Let's go to a hotel darling and bring back sushi in plastic bags. We'll use up all the hot water and flip through crappy TV shows. and then climb into crisp white sheets and cuddle up tight to fight the cold.
Maybe that's what I'll put in my Valentine's Day application. Wanted: Arm to go around my waist, peach soda, one sincere compliment. Payment: Home cooked dinner and dessert, movie viewing partner, commitment not included.
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