I Vant to be alone?

Well. That sucked.

I just went with the wrong people. I was up and raring to go- to sing songs and try out everything but…the people I went with were hungry. Or tired. And didn’t really have much they wanted to do. Everyone around me after ax have pictures of all the fun they had. And I tried within my means to enjoy myself. But this year I just feel like I spent a LOT more money and had a significantly less enjoyable time than last year. Even if I did have better cosplay.

Day 3 I was really annoyed by it and left my group for a few hours so I could just wander around alone. My feet were killing me and I had no one to squee with- but that’s okay. The pain was a reminder of how fun it was, and I was a lone otaku for most of my life. I don’t need friends to squee with me- I’m good enough at it alone. And I think perhaps next year I’ll just plan on being alone.

Anyway, my time alone was arguably the best I had all weekend (minus some alone time spent with a certain young man who shall remain nameless). I normally anticipate after I get home from these cons to be really sick because I stayed up late, doing lots, running on little sleep, and waking up early. Yeah I didn’t really do any of these things. Late like 2am, but woke up at like 10. :/ that sucks. We didn’t do much but I still bought a 2 day pass.

And this is the first time EVER I am going to complain about not being paid for all this. I drove back and forth between the con at least 6 times, and paid all the parking fees each time. I didn’t ask for help and I should have. I save up for this one event so I can do stuff like this without worry, but after babysitting for 5 days (Wednesday to aprox. Sunday) I want a little help. >/ monetarily or otherwise. But I’ve NEVER complained about all that before and I doubt I’ll start doing it publicly now.

Another beef- 5 people stayed at my house Sunday night. A whole new set of people that stayed Thursday. So none of the people staying with me have any idea how long I have been hosting for. And I got a phone call Monday on my drive home (about 7pm) saying THEY STILL HADN’T LEFT YET. Did you know they actually wanted to do another family dinner in Little Tokyo?!?! OHMYGOSHGETOUTOFMYHOUSE. Someone reminded them that my roommate and I might like our house back now kthxbye but it goes back to my earlier blog here about me working for my life and them not. The difference between being an adult and still living at home. How nice and charming Hotel Venus is- for you. But I’m getting worn out again. Gonna have to close the doors. Or at least make a policy that you may not stay on Sunday. That’s Vchan time. It’s supposed to be a day of peace and privacy. That’s why I don’t like going to parties on Sunday night. Dinners or whatever. I stay up too late and feel like my nice quiet day has been wasted. But this is why I’ll never get a boyfriend or fit in with normal society. I just like my privacy and peace. I want to be with the people I want to be with- not a lot of strangers.

Grrr. All I wanted was to sit with a cute boy and watch my new movie. Instead I’m cleaning up after the ruckus and waiting for them to pick up their stuff.

I think a nice AX would have solved this. But I really feel like it was a fail.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg. I really want a boyfriend…and I think others are starting to notice I need one. It’s a big topic of conversation it seems these days: getting Vchan a boyfriend. Sigh…

Just let me die alone so I won’t find out what a fail I am.

Deep breath before AX

I'm feeling nervous before the plunge into AX. My nervous cough has returned...I hope hope hope it doesn't stay during the performance...

A lot to do. Feeling a little desperate for support so let's play a game. How long can I go before I latch on to someone nearby (who I'm uninterested in) or ask, "Do you miss me?" to someone far away.

...

.....

............This is going to be tough.

thinking...but not really

So I don’t have a full-on post for today. So here is a collection of thoughts that passed my head:


It’s so nice to hear from you. I really like that I get to read what’s going on in your life. Honestly, I feel so much more at peace.

This sweater is kinda ugly. I mean, it’s sugoi old but doesn’t look like it.
I am a little ticked off its so cloudy outside still at the end if June.

Is this about who I am? Or how I make you feel? I think there’s a difference.

Just as it ended I thought- I hate that song.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful. Every hour we spent together lives within my heart.

I have this thing- I know it’s wrong but, I just tend to see Asian men as better than me- thus, I’m not good enough. x.x lol. Like guys who say they could never get the cheerleader, I’ll never get that Chinese boy. Lol. BAD GIRL.

I don’t want to go home. One of my last nights of freedom. X.x I really should do crap to prepare for this con…

This week is AX

frik. It's cold in here.
and it's cloudy outside, but if the bonfire gets canceled I'm not makeing a new FHE plan. lol. I'm taking my car into the shop tonight because the Light came on and it scares me half to death anytime something goes wrong with my sweet car. But while I wait, I think I'll call someone and ask them out to dinner or something.

I hope I have enough friends to do that lol. ANyway, It's nice to not have to go to FHE. Not only am I not a fan, but I'm also not a fan of Bonfires. and Not a a fan of Bonfires when it's cold outside. (even though I conciously know that it's events like these that will help me get married I can't help it. My style of communicating is hindered by not being able to see people. I'm just no good and I hate going home at the end of the night feeling like a social failure. again.)

Yeah, I'm not a big out-doorsy girl.

holy I'm about to turn 25.

sooo AX is this week. I'm more nervous than excited. All my friends who I went with last year... well it seems like it won't work this year. Emi isn't coming at all, Aino and I have work day 1 and she won't be here day 3. Chris hasn't talked to me in over a month and something makes me think that won't change in the next week, and I'm not looking forward to anything on the AX schedual. I don't like Gohs as much as events- I'm not easily star-struck. So I'll end up following nice people, until the night. when they go off to party and drink and dance. eh, I'm not really very good at any of those things. :/ This can't be fun. and truth be told, I'm a little scared this year of goshujin-samas and weird photo-stalkers. My cosplays are a little more risque and more accurate. I don't want to be alone. But then, isn't that the theme of my life?

I'm nervous....

Defection Deflection

It happened again last night.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m going to see a doctor.

Yes, I’m nervous about becoming dependant but my mother was always too afraid to solve her issues. She was always a coward. I don’t want to be like her.

Sigh, I really hope this works…

I just hope people aren’t put off if they find out I’m defective. Lol- I just want to be strong for everyone else. But I guess as long as this keeps happening, I can’t be of use to them. I better make an appointment soon.

haha, am I insane? I know it not that big a deal. I guess 'defective' is strong word... but until it's solved thats the way I feel.

TrainMan!!!

D "We've been trading email on and off for the past few days...
What's it called? Is this what people call "love's pulse"? ( ´ー｀)"

Poster 1 "Sergeant... my own pulse is.... about to... stop........ "

Poster 2 "Hang in there!!
You've got a mother back home who's waiting for you!"

XD ROFL
I am so in love with densha otoko right now <3 <3 <3
O B S E S S E D.
I get that way from time to time. I'll find something I like and just geek all over it. My heart starts beating like crazy, my tummy drops, and I swoon all the way home picturing sweet Densha and the kind and beautiful Hermes who helped him! About the same time last year I found Densha Otoko (Train-man) the manga and loved it violently then too. It might be one of my favortie romance stories of all time. lol. But I don't know how my parents would feel if I brought home an Otaku husband. haha, We'll keep his transformers hidden when the inlaws come by.

I might come back to this blog post to add more of my favorite lines. Funny and sweet. all the cute faces and sincere posters. LOVE it.

and probably to geek out some more. You can only say you love Sailor Moon so many times before people GET it and don't need to hear about it anymore.

AH~ Densha! You're taking over my life and heart! ( ´ー｀)

[edit 1]I wonder if I should give the book to my little sister. O_o It might ruin her expectations of romance forever...

[edit 2]GAAAAH. Must....Stop....Reading....during....wooooork...

Hands off Hussy!

Ok.
You know, I’m picking up this bad habit here. I feel like I’m using this blog to talk to people and say things I wouldn’t normally to them. But that’s a waste. Because then even though I feel like I’ve said it, I really haven’t. So I get the weight off my chest without solving the problem in any way. I doubt I’ll stop this habit. I mean, I talk to myself all the time and I say, “HEY YOU.”

It would probably be better if I wasn’t terrified that someone important could read it. And then all my preciously guarded secrets would be lost. I have so many of them, sometimes it’s hard to keep track. It’s best to keep everything private I guess I guess.

But these days I’ve been frustrated with wanting to solve problems that I can’t. gotta keep my hands off of situations, not because it isn’t my business or that I can’t do anything. I probably could. But I think if I tried, it would only prolong other problems. That’s vague isn’t it? GRAH. Vchan has to learn patience and stop being so…needy.

On a slightly different note, it doesn’t seem fair I can’t be as kind as I want to everyone. David called me a flirt the other day and I thought I would die of embarrassment and shame. I’m not a flirt- or, I swear I don’t try. I just like people. ;-; I always have! I can’t help but think if I was fat or disfigured people wouldn’t accuse me of that. That’s an insult to fat and disfigured people too- what? They can’t be flirts if they want to? But when I was young and scrawny and didn’t look even CLOSE to my age (I was 63 lbs at age 14 and could fit comfortably in a quarter locker), I never had these problems. I know it’s best to throw up my hands and back away but that doesn’t seem right. I can’t take care of you when you’re sick because that’s only what girlfriends do? I can’t make you cookies or take you to dinner when you’re having a bad day because that seems like a come-on? I can’t hug people or cuddle with friends? People have even assumed Aino and I are lovers. Lol. Even if I did swing that way, I don’t think I’d pick Aino as my soulmate. XD Ah. I’m bad.

So what’s the solution? I guess what I’m doing now might work. I’m still loving, but in certain situations I have to make choices contrary to my nature. Especially with people who I know might like me, and times when I end up alone with someone, and…oh dear. I guess I should stop touching people. ;_; But that’s just meee! I don’t think about it! >o<; gah. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

[edit]This means I can't offer to see anyone. They have to come to me, or ask me to go to them. I'd LIKE to jump up and go but I shouldn't.[/edit]

Although this could possibly be a good answer for why I’m craving some physical attention these days. Oh sigh. *spins in her work chair.*