28 years Experience

Well I’ll never be a Damn RS President. I’ll never be a great scholar. I want to go home. Right now. Lisa says “Some things in life don't matter - in the long run. Does any of this really matter? No, how you react and treat people does matter”. This is just after she admits to letting the bosses here treat her like garbage. I don’t think you can have it both ways; you can’t expect yourself to be kind always and not expect the same decency from others. Besides which, this is a job. They pay you to be here. They are not your friends or your relief society sisters. What’s the harm? At some point I consider it throwing pearls before swine to demean yourself to these ego bloated corporate self-important jerks. Do you know why I’m not often star-struck (minus a handful of talented people)? Because I would rather see a person’s quality. Not their status. You know who I really get star-struck by? People with REAL talent or who are REALLY HONESTLY GOOD humans. But people like these who snap at you for saying the words “good morning” and don’t think twice about it are NOT the kind of people who need you to kiss up to them. Are they paying you so much to subject yourself to that kind of childish behavior? Even if they were, that’s no excuse to justify a person’s bad character. Lisa says that’s just life. But that’s why a job is a job.

That’s what I’ve learned. Because bending over backwards with kindness, hard labor, late nights, and endless patience for the egos of rotted bosses has only gotten me more late nights, more, abuse, less time with friends, more time being afraid for my livelihood and eventually getting let go. My friend Katherine who I worked so closely with for 2.5 years and who I trusted, who took me to the spa, and we had late night chats and hang outs and honest discussions about life- THAT woman, wouldn’t look me in the eye. THAT woman, signed my last check and would not stand up to defend me. Do you know why? Because she wasn’t my friend. She was my boss. Your boss doesn’t care how hard you work, as long as it looks like you’re busy. Your boss doesn’t care how late you stay as long as you’re there on time and don’t cost them OT.  Your boss isn’t interested in your growth or your progress or your ambitions or your dreams or even what you do when you get home. Because they’re paying you what they think you’re worth. Not a dime more – finically or emotionally. No wonder California has to nanny the treatment of employees. And it’s a good thing that society has made it very clear that bad behavior is to be expected from wealthy people and the only ones who teach eternal kindness are the Christians. As far as I’m concerned, Chriatianity is for all people. And those who don’t expect others to treat them with respect will be disrespected all their lives.  I know I have been.

So I’m not smart. And I’m not talented. But I’m not stupid and I’m not unkind. But I am SO done dealing with abuse like this. Take it from someone with a lifelong career of it. I should put that on my resume: 28 years Experience in handling emotional exploitation.

best

i need a new best friend. this one is broken.

I Love L.A. - A Video Tribute by Me

WE ARE NOT

I feel like I have to fix everything. In truth, I don't know what I could do to make the situation easier. I'm making my best attempts to invite and include you as often as possible, to make you feel welcomed and appreciated by me. I've complimented you, I invited you to meet my friends, I invite you to whatever and even on Sunday, when you couldn't be here I made an effort to visit you because your car broke down. I never reject or ignore you intentionally. You've jumped at me to suppose I'm meaning something more than I intended when I explain OVER AND OVER that I don't. If you feel as though I'm resisting you it might be because we are not in a committed relationship and I have no obligation to let you be close to me. If you felt resentment (although if so, I wouldn't think it's from anything I'd done recently) it's because you repeatedly ignore my requests for space. So then how am I stuck with tending to your emotions? I am having a very difficult time in my life and I am NOT at liberty to tell you all the reasons why. In fact, it's for your own good that you don't know. So how is it that I'm protecting you and I STILL get attacked?

Okay, I give up. I can't be both the emotional one and the smart one that guides you through the process of how to calm me down. Look, you're a lot smarter than me. You are going to have to tell me what I should do. Because I can't think of anything else.

True Management

I like Matt. He has a long perspective and isn’t the least bit worried. And he’s not faking it either. While I knew he had the capacity within him to give me the comfort I craved (I’m only SO smart and only have just SO much experience), it felt good to finally get it. And it’s just as I expected. He knows exactly what’s happening.

It started off by him telling me I’m too smart and talented to worry. And he said it sincerely, just the same way I say to people that they shouldn’t be sad or lonely when I can tell they were clearly meant to be married. I just know that in my gut for them. Just like I did with Eric Chen.

Matt explained to me the difference between the corporate mentality (where we look for the positive, and things are treated in a big-picture perspective like mood and introducing change at an appropriate pace), and what entrepreneurs do. Which is this mess. Huge changes without apology because, in Matt’s words, it’s a less sophisticated approach- they are not tuned in to the company mood. That’s why they’re always shocked when people are angry and confused by their decisions. It also explains to me why the seniors dislike it so much. Not what Jerry said about them being used to lazily feasting on a fat cow (my words, not his) but instead it’s because fear only works in short spurts and it doesn’t work in the corporate mentally. That’s why the seniors (even KJ) are very upset. Maybe this kind of bullying and pushing and negative attitude works for a start up, but these are NOT startup people.

Matt just made me smarter. And I feel better. Just a little.

Lucky.

It's 4am but I wanted to document this for posterity.

I just got home from watching LotR TT with Alex, Stephen, Jason, Mike, Jared, and David. I knew I didn't want to be tired the next day so I set to work falling asleep around the second disk. I managed to drift off but wasn't really asleep near the end. I was awake enough to notice he took his outer shirt off and draped it over me like a blanket (until someone offered a real one).


But here is how I know he loves me. I overheard Mike offer his newly purchased japanese candy to everyone. Alex said he'd take one. Mike encouraged, take more, take as many as you want, have 10! But he insisted, just one, just one, one is fine, I only want one.



 Half an hour later and we are dropping off the last person other than me at home. As soon as he is out of sight, Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out the candy. It's the one he had asked for earlier. It's the same kind I dropped by accident earlier onto the street and had to throw away. He unwraps it and gives it to me. I was in the middle of my sentance and i stopped when I saw what it was.

Alex is a lot of good things, but I'd like to add to that list one of the most genuinely integral thoughtful men I've ever met. No exaggeration. I know it's a very small thing, but I was a twinge sad when I dropped it. I didn't say anything or even look sad, but all night he must have remembered it and made this plan for me. That small gift... was one of the best. And it's those kinds things that I really can't explain when people ask me about him. I really am lucky.

A Rat's Fart

My cousin is pissing me off.

She's 22 and couldn't give a rat's fart what the people who love and care about her think. She was a troubled girl born without an iota of empathy. She pretended to be suicidal and put her family through years of agony. In the end, she wasn't a danger to herself- she's a selfish brat.

I could go on outlining a number of examples of the stupid things she's said and done. Not to mention the numerous things she's posted on facebook that make me want to slam her faux pink haired head into a concrete wall. Tonight is no exception.

Lindsey (My cuz): Organized religion is modern day brainwash.

 

Ok, already I'm ticked off. What a...

John (I'm guessing he's her paternal uncle):  Thanks for basically saying a lot if your family and loved ones are idiots

 

Casey: Since when has organized religion been modern? And really rude, shortsighted, and alienating Lindsey.

 

Aiden (Her increasingly stupid little brother): I'd say 1830 is relatively modern.

 

I take a deep breath. Don't even try to mention Christianity because it bounces off black-hole brains.

Casey: To my understanding, there has been organized religion since the first literate societies such Egyptians (3150 BC) , Mesopotamians (3100 BC) who recorded their practices... Huh. Perhaps we have different understanding of the word 'organized'. You might want to explain that to Buddhists and Taoism whose first writings were produced on bamboo in the 3rd century... Pretty sure the Qur'an is dated back to 650AD... Oh, and Sumerians from 2900 BC.... Although I'm sure they're a little long gone to hear you. So hey, Facebook is probably the safest place to say it!

 

Aiden: Well, Lindsey is probably showing that it's goofy we still follow those religions seeing as how people believed in dragons and witches back then. 

 

Good grief, if you're going to insult humanity's faith. then at least know what they believed in. 

 

John: Organized religion has been around a long time. Regardless, and back to Aiden's comment, sure, people should question it, think about it and test it. I'm all about free speech and expressing yourself, but the broad generalization here may rub some people that love and care about you the wrong way. Just sayin...

 

I had faith in you John for a moment. But you backed off like a wuss. You must be unfamiliar with her antics and think this is just the fluke of a young person instead of a fully developed snot. Trust me, I'm far beyond the slap on the wrist technique. If she's willing to swing the door open for abuse, then I'm not going to let such a distasteful comment exist unchallenged. 

 

Casey: You're so right Aiden! It's just amazing how Lindsey in her 20 some odd years on Earth has unveiled the ridiculous hoax that has plagued billions of people since it's beginning some 500,000 years ago. Silly me.

 

An hour goes by and no one has said anything. Not even a like to my comments which is sad. But Damage done. I started to write this thinking it was over, but little brainless doesn't know when to quit. 

 

Aiden: In summation, nobody knows anything for sure, so we shouldn't make generalizations. Let's all just be nice! (<- agnostic="" my="" span="" view.="">

 

....Okay, I feel like I'm being trolled by stupidity. But I know from experience it's real. All too real... I prepare one last comment...

 

Casey: Personally, there are certainly things I know for sure and I can comfortably respect well-thought out opinions, studies, and personal experiences that differ from my own. But being willing to stand up for those things, I can't abide by lame blanket assertions that insult swaths of humanity living and dead. It's not just about being nice, it's about giving the smallest amount of respect for another human being and their core fundamental belief.

 

If you can believe it, I 'niced' that up by not using phrases like "give a rat's fart".  Ah, another reply comes in... 

 

Diane: I suppose it depends on your definition of brainwash...?

 

...I don't even.......