So yesterday I said a strange prayer. (If I had an audience I'm sure half of them just tuned out. lol)
I normally pray for wisdom to know what to do and what I'm doing wrong and then the strength to be able to do it or stop it. But this time, I prayed for help. More specificly, I asked that the hearts of my co-workers (in the broadest sense of the word) would be softened. I asked that they be given clever ideas and the motivation and skill to carry them out well.
I can't do everything myself and all my effort goes to waste if the people I'm working with don't help me. If they don't prepare and don't care then it really doesn't matter how much energy I exert. Also, I've found that I have not been blessed with the skill to motivate others. I can ask nicely, pester, command, or beg and still I get nothing. I'm not the kind of person that people think about going out of their way to please. I thought for a moment it might be because I always seem to know the right answer and have everything in hand. Or that people don't want to do things because they might screw up my "perfect ideals". But even when I plead for help and show how vulnerable I am, I still get little to no more responce than if I had said nothing at all.
I don't know what the solution is. I do know that I'll never accomplish anything great by myself. Empires are built by the hands of many. And where do you find people as motivated as you? How do you make people who are not natutally loyal and hard working, be so?
I'm tired of being diappointed.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
"Eugene Eugene" is a Musical. Google it.
mmh. Where to start?
At around 4pm today I became swiftly and terribly sick. Sick to my stomach and dizzy with a headache. And I knew why it had happened because they were the kind of symptoms I have when I have officially overworked my nerves with no regard to caring for my body. And I'll admit it, I am WAY over stressed right now. Even if I had not come in to work today, I could have clocked 38 hours. What with the maid cafe reving up in all the wrong ways, the sudden but passive-agressive job offer, and the impending doom of the Easter Recital looming on the horizon, I am just a few eye-ticks away from a burn-out. It's not a lot to do really, I'm just doing what I do best- worrying. Which makes me place the needs of my body on the back burner. Who needs to shower when there's so many spelling errors?
I don't often get little warning signals like a rumbly tummy to know it's time to eat. It's after 2 days of living on pretzel sticks and hot chocolate powder feeling nothing and suddenly it's like a shovel has been thrust into my gut and I might die in the next 20 minutes if I don't eat something. It's that sudden and severe. But since everyone needs me constantly, I don't really get a break. I don't actually think my co-workers believed me when I said I needed to go home on time tonight. They must have thought I was sneaking out.
And I was and I wasn't. Although I still felt dizzy and sick, I drove downtown to meet up with Eugene to see GreenDay the Musical. Independent of our mutual acquaintance we keep up from time to time. While I was in my car fixing my makeup I realized I was nervous. Nervous because I don't know why he invited me. Sloppy seconds? Not for dating of course, my instinct isn't hinting at any romantic intentions at all. But I do take pride in being the good girl friend. Someone you can take out on the town and be proud of, enjoy yourself with when your hot date falls through to wash her hair. Casey will be there to pick up her slack and let you be free from any commitment or drama. Just go and enjoy your evening. If that's the case here, then that's definitely fine, I just hope I'm fun and cute enough to keep the title.
Especially since I unarguably and unequivocally have been replaced by Train Girl. So perfect is the hole I left filled by TG that it's almost humorous. And I can roll my eyes and laugh about it right now because I'm learning that when dealing with certain people, you just can't afford to be a leaky bucket. In those cases, if you're lucky to catch any rain, you'd better hold on to it for the imminent draught like the one I'm in now. But once said, (and I waited a good long time to hear it) I'll hold on to that nice phrase. Even when so obviously substituted, I'm going to remember that text that said I am important.
I never said so in this blog, did I? That a few weeks ago my heart was crushed when my phone blipped out and erased every last text message I had in there. Hundreds of the sweetest memories I had kept just to read to myself, to keep me company and make me smile- gone. I had saved so many lovely phrases on that phone. Even ones that wouldn't matter to anyone but me. Like my first text message from Masato as my official boyfriend. The one that Tim sent me NYE 2011 when he called me Venus and said I made his year more beautiful. Or the one where Jeremy sent me a picture of the ice skating rink because I told him if we were still friends in a month, I'd go with him. A few months later I begged his moral approval to text Kai when I missed him so bad I couldn't breathe. Jeremy came right out, brought me beef jerky and coconut milk, and watched me cry in my car. I had one from Alana after I tripped down the stairs in front of everyone after leading the music in church and the congregation all waited to see if I was okay. One from Chris's little brother Geoff who said I gave him his favorite nick-name "gorilla baby". I kept the one from Kenny that said he was sorry he couldn't join me at Comic Con and one from Stephen when he thanked me for going to sushi with him. He said it was sexy of me. Stupid stuff like that, more serious ones... that all meant a lot to me.
It was one in the morning when it happened and I couldn't help absolutely breaking down into devastated tears. I know I said I'm tired of crying over nothing but that night I think was justified. I have a lot of online conversations saved from some of my most important relationships, but these texts were more important to me than any gift I could keep in a box. How will I ever be able to replace them? Even if I could ask for them again... well I can't. But since then, I have tried to collect some... the one where I'm referred to as 'babe' is my favorite. But it took me more than a week to be able to look at my phone and not feel a pang about how empty it is now. Irreplaceable trinkets.
Oh dear. Look at the time I wasted. I have to get up tomorrow and I didn't eat much.
All I really meant to say was that I felt a little better when Eugene gave me his coat to wear, let me take his arm, and wanted to show me the bench from 500 Days of Summer.
At around 4pm today I became swiftly and terribly sick. Sick to my stomach and dizzy with a headache. And I knew why it had happened because they were the kind of symptoms I have when I have officially overworked my nerves with no regard to caring for my body. And I'll admit it, I am WAY over stressed right now. Even if I had not come in to work today, I could have clocked 38 hours. What with the maid cafe reving up in all the wrong ways, the sudden but passive-agressive job offer, and the impending doom of the Easter Recital looming on the horizon, I am just a few eye-ticks away from a burn-out. It's not a lot to do really, I'm just doing what I do best- worrying. Which makes me place the needs of my body on the back burner. Who needs to shower when there's so many spelling errors?
I don't often get little warning signals like a rumbly tummy to know it's time to eat. It's after 2 days of living on pretzel sticks and hot chocolate powder feeling nothing and suddenly it's like a shovel has been thrust into my gut and I might die in the next 20 minutes if I don't eat something. It's that sudden and severe. But since everyone needs me constantly, I don't really get a break. I don't actually think my co-workers believed me when I said I needed to go home on time tonight. They must have thought I was sneaking out.
And I was and I wasn't. Although I still felt dizzy and sick, I drove downtown to meet up with Eugene to see GreenDay the Musical. Independent of our mutual acquaintance we keep up from time to time. While I was in my car fixing my makeup I realized I was nervous. Nervous because I don't know why he invited me. Sloppy seconds? Not for dating of course, my instinct isn't hinting at any romantic intentions at all. But I do take pride in being the good girl friend. Someone you can take out on the town and be proud of, enjoy yourself with when your hot date falls through to wash her hair. Casey will be there to pick up her slack and let you be free from any commitment or drama. Just go and enjoy your evening. If that's the case here, then that's definitely fine, I just hope I'm fun and cute enough to keep the title.
Especially since I unarguably and unequivocally have been replaced by Train Girl. So perfect is the hole I left filled by TG that it's almost humorous. And I can roll my eyes and laugh about it right now because I'm learning that when dealing with certain people, you just can't afford to be a leaky bucket. In those cases, if you're lucky to catch any rain, you'd better hold on to it for the imminent draught like the one I'm in now. But once said, (and I waited a good long time to hear it) I'll hold on to that nice phrase. Even when so obviously substituted, I'm going to remember that text that said I am important.
I never said so in this blog, did I? That a few weeks ago my heart was crushed when my phone blipped out and erased every last text message I had in there. Hundreds of the sweetest memories I had kept just to read to myself, to keep me company and make me smile- gone. I had saved so many lovely phrases on that phone. Even ones that wouldn't matter to anyone but me. Like my first text message from Masato as my official boyfriend. The one that Tim sent me NYE 2011 when he called me Venus and said I made his year more beautiful. Or the one where Jeremy sent me a picture of the ice skating rink because I told him if we were still friends in a month, I'd go with him. A few months later I begged his moral approval to text Kai when I missed him so bad I couldn't breathe. Jeremy came right out, brought me beef jerky and coconut milk, and watched me cry in my car. I had one from Alana after I tripped down the stairs in front of everyone after leading the music in church and the congregation all waited to see if I was okay. One from Chris's little brother Geoff who said I gave him his favorite nick-name "gorilla baby". I kept the one from Kenny that said he was sorry he couldn't join me at Comic Con and one from Stephen when he thanked me for going to sushi with him. He said it was sexy of me. Stupid stuff like that, more serious ones... that all meant a lot to me.
It was one in the morning when it happened and I couldn't help absolutely breaking down into devastated tears. I know I said I'm tired of crying over nothing but that night I think was justified. I have a lot of online conversations saved from some of my most important relationships, but these texts were more important to me than any gift I could keep in a box. How will I ever be able to replace them? Even if I could ask for them again... well I can't. But since then, I have tried to collect some... the one where I'm referred to as 'babe' is my favorite. But it took me more than a week to be able to look at my phone and not feel a pang about how empty it is now. Irreplaceable trinkets.
Oh dear. Look at the time I wasted. I have to get up tomorrow and I didn't eat much.
All I really meant to say was that I felt a little better when Eugene gave me his coat to wear, let me take his arm, and wanted to show me the bench from 500 Days of Summer.
Friday, March 30, 2012
too tired to sleep.
Have you ever been tempted so badly it actually hurts?
I know it's stupid. But it late and this is the third day in a row where I only hand ensure for breakfast and skipped dinner entirely. it was a long day and I'm tired of being alone. Kurushio.
I'd tell a story but if I write much more my stupid spelling mistakes will only become more obvious.
I'm too tired to sleep.
I know it's stupid. But it late and this is the third day in a row where I only hand ensure for breakfast and skipped dinner entirely. it was a long day and I'm tired of being alone. Kurushio.
I'd tell a story but if I write much more my stupid spelling mistakes will only become more obvious.
I'm too tired to sleep.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Keeping the Buck
I can't seem to shake the 'poor me' mood today. I forgot my meds which turns me into mushy saddness anyway. I'm just trying not to do or say anything detrimental. Nothing permanant. Just do what I planned for the night and nothing else. Don't talk to anyone, don't make any weird fb posts, don't go crying for any reason. now that I'm home I should just bake the cake, shower, and go to bed. Anything other than that is a mistake.
Phillip has told me I just need to get it "out of my system" and offered himself as a solution. My bet is that he'd like to get me out of his system instead, knowing that of course means that he has no intention of sticking around once he's had his jollys. I tried to explain to him before, I'm not available for that but he doesn't get it. But I'll admit to being frustrated. There just isn't a solution for me right now.
Tomato, in an episode that I shouldn't have been smart enough to leave before occurring, told me I was afraid to get hurt. He's right, and who isn't? I even came to that inevitable conclusion on st. Patrick's day. But a few days ago I saw a video on conquering fear of failure and felt inspired to master it, although I don't have a clue where to begin.
When I told my father that I had made plans to see Hua and had an online date later on in the week, he shouted at me. It was more of an exclamation and it wasn't really anger. Just frustration for me. One of the things I remember, "Stop doing things you know are dumb!" I laughed, he was right. but he continued, apologizing for telling me things I already knew. "Stop hanging out with people who don't appreciate you." Now, to ever say that to myself would sound like arrogance to me but I have to concede a bit. I'm the author of my own fate and any ill that befalls me is my own fault. The time spent alone the last few weeks is my own fault, unless I could learn to, I guess, follow Masato's suggestion. But I did the right thing and didn't go to see Hua. And I canceled my date. And I'm not going to let myself get angry or needy or jealous at my friends to make up for it. It's pathetic to think that everything would be alright hiding in those relationships. Besides, if they've boarded up their sides, why haven't I?
I'm going to trrrrrrrry to keep up my effort to look nice at church and work hard at eating regularly and waking up every day. My room is 90% finished and I'm going to try to not let work or Animaid consume my life instead of living it.
Sometimes though, I think that even doing all that will still leave me feeling "poor me". Even though I know it won't be forever, I'm still pretty lonely. And I really have no one to blame but me.
In other news, yesterday the CEO called started to question me on what value I have over the phone. And I couldn't sleep last night because of some weird hay fever or sinus infection I picked up. Also, I stupidly volunteered to bake a cake for the church thing tomorrow morning at 9 am. I just saw pictures of three of the ones other girls are bringing and I'm convinced I'll never be a wife. Really, it's hard to see what there is to 'appreciate' right now. Makes it hard not to want to spend time people who don't.
.......... lol
You see? Poooooooooooooooor Casey.
Phillip has told me I just need to get it "out of my system" and offered himself as a solution. My bet is that he'd like to get me out of his system instead, knowing that of course means that he has no intention of sticking around once he's had his jollys. I tried to explain to him before, I'm not available for that but he doesn't get it. But I'll admit to being frustrated. There just isn't a solution for me right now.
Tomato, in an episode that I shouldn't have been smart enough to leave before occurring, told me I was afraid to get hurt. He's right, and who isn't? I even came to that inevitable conclusion on st. Patrick's day. But a few days ago I saw a video on conquering fear of failure and felt inspired to master it, although I don't have a clue where to begin.
When I told my father that I had made plans to see Hua and had an online date later on in the week, he shouted at me. It was more of an exclamation and it wasn't really anger. Just frustration for me. One of the things I remember, "Stop doing things you know are dumb!" I laughed, he was right. but he continued, apologizing for telling me things I already knew. "Stop hanging out with people who don't appreciate you." Now, to ever say that to myself would sound like arrogance to me but I have to concede a bit. I'm the author of my own fate and any ill that befalls me is my own fault. The time spent alone the last few weeks is my own fault, unless I could learn to, I guess, follow Masato's suggestion. But I did the right thing and didn't go to see Hua. And I canceled my date. And I'm not going to let myself get angry or needy or jealous at my friends to make up for it. It's pathetic to think that everything would be alright hiding in those relationships. Besides, if they've boarded up their sides, why haven't I?
I'm going to trrrrrrrry to keep up my effort to look nice at church and work hard at eating regularly and waking up every day. My room is 90% finished and I'm going to try to not let work or Animaid consume my life instead of living it.
Sometimes though, I think that even doing all that will still leave me feeling "poor me". Even though I know it won't be forever, I'm still pretty lonely. And I really have no one to blame but me.
In other news, yesterday the CEO called started to question me on what value I have over the phone. And I couldn't sleep last night because of some weird hay fever or sinus infection I picked up. Also, I stupidly volunteered to bake a cake for the church thing tomorrow morning at 9 am. I just saw pictures of three of the ones other girls are bringing and I'm convinced I'll never be a wife. Really, it's hard to see what there is to 'appreciate' right now. Makes it hard not to want to spend time people who don't.
.......... lol
You see? Poooooooooooooooor Casey.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Saint Failure?
I am really so bad at planning parties. Why do I try? Last minute or far in advance, I don't seem to be the kind of person who can gather others together for an evening.
And why do I not have more girl friends? I always think I have plenty but when I'm going down my list of phone numbers of people to invite... The people who attend my stuff must feel like I'm a huge flirt. Or that I only throw sausage fests. OR maybe I feel that way because whenever I plan something, the first question asked is, 'will there be any pretty girls there'. And I think "... no...? Just my friends?" Then I try to calculate how many of them are there and how many are cute and then how many are single. It just never crosses my mind. But maybe that's why I'm no good at these things.
And I don't care to go to the cowboy event for MSAs. It's St. Patrick's day for goodness sake. What's so wrong about celebrating that? It's my families culture after all. Last year we played kool-aid pong...
And why do I not have more girl friends? I always think I have plenty but when I'm going down my list of phone numbers of people to invite... The people who attend my stuff must feel like I'm a huge flirt. Or that I only throw sausage fests. OR maybe I feel that way because whenever I plan something, the first question asked is, 'will there be any pretty girls there'. And I think "... no...? Just my friends?" Then I try to calculate how many of them are there and how many are cute and then how many are single. It just never crosses my mind. But maybe that's why I'm no good at these things.
And I don't care to go to the cowboy event for MSAs. It's St. Patrick's day for goodness sake. What's so wrong about celebrating that? It's my families culture after all. Last year we played kool-aid pong...
Friday, March 16, 2012
Sitting in the Car
It was an 12 hour work day but that's okay. I like my Friday night routine where I get the office to myself and finish off the work that only I can do. It makes me feel like I have job security.
The way home it was sprinkling pretty consistently but just light enough I didn't need my windshield wipers to run automatically. I took the freeway home (because I didn't think traffic would be very heavy and I felt confidence in skipping Kai's house) and I saw a sign saying to report drunk drivers and a cop car passed on the other side of the partition. It made me begin to compose a text message in my mind to Jeremy that I delivered when I got parked at home about being careful tomorrow when he (inevitably) gets wasted on st. patrick's day and drives himself home.
Parked as I was, I pondered how I still think there's something going on that prohibits him from chatting with me like we used to. After a few minutes I realized the reason why I hadn't gotten out of the car yet was because I was waiting for him to text back and call me a dork. He could already be dead, I thought. I considered sending Tim a similar message but stopped when I remembered how unforgiving he told me he wants to be. He wouldn't take any warm wishes from me well. I thought about how I should finally respond to Leonard about how trying to not start a conversation is the same as being defensive in this case, just not as fearful. But that would be a pointless text.
It started to rain even harder and my arm hurt in a strange way. I laughed out loud when I realized that I was actually sore from playing frisbee last night. That's pretty pathetic. But it's a nice feeling to be running again. To bring everything full circle, I laughed again when I noted how pointless it would be to text Stephen to drive safely and not binge. lol.
My phone called out to say I have a text.
I had forgotten that I was still waiting for a response from Jeremy and I was pleased and surprised... but nope. Instead it's Kchan asking about the maid idol contest. I quickly reply. I smile at her response. Then get out of the car into the heavier rain and walk home with my hood drawn up around my ears. Cause it would be silly to wait there until I fell asleep again and caught a cold.
The way home it was sprinkling pretty consistently but just light enough I didn't need my windshield wipers to run automatically. I took the freeway home (because I didn't think traffic would be very heavy and I felt confidence in skipping Kai's house) and I saw a sign saying to report drunk drivers and a cop car passed on the other side of the partition. It made me begin to compose a text message in my mind to Jeremy that I delivered when I got parked at home about being careful tomorrow when he (inevitably) gets wasted on st. patrick's day and drives himself home.
Parked as I was, I pondered how I still think there's something going on that prohibits him from chatting with me like we used to. After a few minutes I realized the reason why I hadn't gotten out of the car yet was because I was waiting for him to text back and call me a dork. He could already be dead, I thought. I considered sending Tim a similar message but stopped when I remembered how unforgiving he told me he wants to be. He wouldn't take any warm wishes from me well. I thought about how I should finally respond to Leonard about how trying to not start a conversation is the same as being defensive in this case, just not as fearful. But that would be a pointless text.
It started to rain even harder and my arm hurt in a strange way. I laughed out loud when I realized that I was actually sore from playing frisbee last night. That's pretty pathetic. But it's a nice feeling to be running again. To bring everything full circle, I laughed again when I noted how pointless it would be to text Stephen to drive safely and not binge. lol.
My phone called out to say I have a text.
I had forgotten that I was still waiting for a response from Jeremy and I was pleased and surprised... but nope. Instead it's Kchan asking about the maid idol contest. I quickly reply. I smile at her response. Then get out of the car into the heavier rain and walk home with my hood drawn up around my ears. Cause it would be silly to wait there until I fell asleep again and caught a cold.
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