Sweet nothings

It seems as though I have had to research this too many times and gather minimal results. I figure I should probably start a collection somewhere where I can retrieve them.

List of sweet nothings:

私はあなたを味見したい

My favorite things are Chinese food, hat stores, and your hand in mine.
- You’re so much better than any guy I have ever met.
- I’m lost, can you keep me?
- I adore you.
- I love smelling the scent of you that lingers on my clothes after we part. (you mean, “go away so I can enjoy it?”)
- I get goosebumps every time you wrap your arms around me.
- When I close my eyes at night, you are all I see.
- I love the way I feel when I am with you.
- Your thoughtfulness touches me.

I'm there for you

I know it's something I picked up from my father, but have I even mentioned how much I hate the term, "There for you"? It means nothing. It’s a bad pet peeve of mine to have a problem with people who are nice for themselves rather than being nice for others.

Being available to give help to a friend isn’t such a terrible thing and I should never get upset by the offer. It’s just this horrible tweak I have. I should probably get it fixed for my own sake. At least for now I’m learning to keep my mouth shut. I can dislike anything I want as long as I don’t say so or act or it or punish someone for feeling differently.

But I think I can safely say here- I hate that phrase used selfishly.

My friend is having an emotional trauma. Not from anything that happened really or anything that’s fixable. It’s just one of those times in life where to do want to do anything or see anyone. There is no cure for your uncomfortably and everyone wants to help- but they can’t. And when you’re in that state, you don’t want anyone to try because it just makes it worse to remind yourself that they can’t. It’s just a cycle of depression that happens to some people when they grow up- around 21 I find. This friend of mine confided in me and I know they’ll be okay. But our mutual friend wants to ‘help’. And won’t drop it.

I tried to protect my friend by telling others just give it some time. but no. “Kind” people cannot relax until they feel they have acted the part of the hero. They squirm in themselves until they can proudly declare, “I’m there for you!” and their duty is done. They’re there. Well great. We know you’re there. The problem is you won’t go away. And some people have it in their minds that they have the ultimate solution. Go on a walk, take a bath, watch porn, eat more sweet things, ect. What I really hate is when people won’t quit until they feel like they’ve solved it for you. They MUST be the hero.

Have you ever felt that way? Just leave me alone. That’s what I want. That’s what I need. And I need a friend who understands that not everything can be solved the same way for every person. I want someone to say that even though it’s not okay now- it will be in the future- freaking out about making sure everything is hunky dory… and worse, when we have to make things right RIGHT NOW it’s only YOUR world that’s beautiful again. Not mine.

Have you ever had to grin and thank someone when you’re at your worst so that THEY feel good again? Seriously, you feel like crap and yet the people who claim to “be there for you” are asking for you to serve them a little more.

So they finally leave you alone, but don’t you think it’s a lot more helpful to do what your friends ask and wait patiently outside the door?

I tried to explain this. But in the end, of course, my friend had to put on a BIG FAKE GRIN so the hero would feel like he did his job. And the hero says to me, “I’m glad I can be there for them.” Makes me want to smack him. Smack him for making someone feel more alone by satisfying his own need to feel important and involved.

This is what makes me a difficult woman. I am difficult- I must be. I over think everything. If I was stupid maybe I wouldn’t notice the inherent self-centered motives. Maybe If I was stupid, I’d be happier. Sometimes it makes me want to give myself brain damage. And screw whatever benefits my deep heart and creative mind might have given me. Is it worth all this confusion? I have to marry someone smarter than me so they’ll know that I’m not just crazy and unreasonable. Maybe someone will be able to look at me intelligently and see who I am underneath the complications. And they won’t think I’m vain or selfish.

Or get bored.

Gaunt is my new word

“Oh what the hell,” she says, “I just can’t win for losing.” And she lays back down.

Interesting phone conversations I overheard in the bathroom at work this morning.
One woman who was in there when I arrived was saying, “Do I remember the date of the incident? I don’t think so. But I have been taking anger management classes and today is my last day. Yes, I’ll hold.”

When she left, another woman came in on her cell phone, “You are the biological father. A part of your body helped make this kid and I need your help. You need to support this child.”

Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I need a shower and some mochi icecream balls. Y’know what use to make me instantly happy? Beef and Broccoli. I have no idea why, it works better than chocolate. But my dissatisfaction with life is deeper these days than what can be solved with taking me out to eat. This has been such a rough year. And I looked at myself in the mirror this morning anf I realized even my face is skinnier. It’s not attractive. My skin looks grey. No wonder Masato left me after he got back. O.o

Lol, I only partically take that back. I know he has the ability to be with a girl for a long period of time. and the issues between us don’t always seem to be between HIM and Me. more often than not it’s him fighting himself, and me myself. And sometimes it’s just fighting cultures. He doesn’t like that I tell him my opinion. He says that a man should be head of the house and his previous girlfriends might know he’s wrong- but they don’t point it out.

I’m wasting too much time thinking about this.

And now AX café… more later.

Bucket list

You are not allowed to say this isn't a bucket list.
Maybe I just don't have those kind of goals like you.

- I want to see a Radio show performed live. Like "From the Top" Or "prarie Home COmpanion".

- I want to be brave enough to dye my hair brown.

- I want to dress in Kuro Loli.

- I want to speak as an expert in front of thousands on a stage.

- I want to write a book.

- I want to be a bridesmaid.

- I want to see one of my characters animated- even a little bit.

- I want to go to Japan and maybe Cosplay on the streets of Harajuku or Akihabara

- I want to cosplay the perfect sailor V

- I want to stay one night in a mansion

- I want a whole bottle of martinis to myself

- I want to go to a day spa (I'm too scared)

- I want to run my own business when I don't need to get up for a 9-5 (not that I mind it) I just want that level of discipline

-

sick from the shoulders up

I’m either going crazy, or my time of death is near. Or it would be if fate were smidgen kinder than it has been. So far fate has kept me alive, but not much more than that. I’ve been thinking a lot about death these days. I just see no future for myself. And it could be for a number of reasons- perhaps this is a side effect from the drugs. My little brother has reported strong depression after his adderall wears off. It could be over work. The last couple weeks I’ve been non-stop between animaid and work and I have not kept up my promise to start leaving work at 5 instead of 7. Of course, that too could be a contributor of the internal agony- I dislike myself for still being here with Howard my boss. I feel like a sell-out and a failure. first because I couldn’t find work in the time allotted to me during that month of time I was on ‘two weeks notice’. The one perfect job for me- I don’t know. It’s gone. I thought I had it. I could smell it and yet they over looked me. Was that my fault? Did I not do something I should have? I thought I did everything right and somehow I failed. That great miracle I thought would be my future and my happiness, my employment dream come true at last… gone. And I don’t have anyone to blame but me. So I don’t like myself. I failed again and I don’t know now where I shold go or what dreams I have. I agreed to stay here for the *money*. How pathetic. I never cared about money really before. I thought if I worked hard and did my due diligence that I would be rewarded. But I’m still here. And the only way I earn this “bonus” is by again enslaving myself to this stupid phone working for a commission. I hate commissions. I don’t want to strap myself to the grace of others and the luck of the draw. Luck and fate are not my friends and I obviously don’t have the skills to get what I want.

I see a future of insufferable mediocrity as clear as day. A rental home with a man I settled for. Working as a career assistant struggling from paycheck to paycheck always being frugal and worried and hungry. I can’t decorate so my house will be full of cheap make-shift decorations I invented. My children will be like me- disappointed with life even though I see that strong McDonald fire in them. Luck won’t favor them either. And I won’t have anything to give them because I was a failure too. And I won’t be able to give them snacks when they come home from school or spend way too much money on fabric to sew them what they want to be for Halloween. And everyday my husband and I will worry about retirement and to top it off, I’ll never go to Japan. It’ll never be convenient enough. I’ll never have the time. and in time, I won’t think about it anymore and that dream will die too. It’ll just be a part of reality like everything else- just another thing out of my reach.

So maybe you can grasp now why death seems so appealing right now. Don’t worry- I’m not shopping for rope or scopeing out where I can get guns or pills or eyeing knives. Being LDS, I know that even if I did die, life would still ‘go on’ for me and I’d have to still face my mistakes in life.

Of course this might ALL stem from being sick. My joints ache, my glands are swollen and bruised. My throat feels like it’s split vertically from the inside so it hurts to swallow. My head aches and my fingers are stiff. The new guys in my office are always so close to me and my desk and they are loud and try to talk to me. They brought in a fan today and that constant drone makes it hard to think. And it makes it cold. On top of which, one of the idiots in my office has expressed an interest in me when everyone else is gone. This is not the time to be trying to get on my good side guy. I’m feeling worn and sick and confussed. You’re flirting with me will only make me resent you.

That is one this I should write about. When girls feel sick- no matter how much she might like you, it’s not a good time to make a move. It might be a good time to step in and take care of her- one don’t step one toe over the line of asking for anything in return. That might mean unintentionally asking her to look cute or clean her house when you want to come to take care of her. Or maybe that’s just me. When I feel sick I don’t appreciate a kindness that requires me to get out of bed and be a good hostess. I just want to be sick and crumple up on the couch in my pjs with my hair nasty and sweaty. Having the stress of someone I want to impress in the room is NOT helpful.

Chris came over to help me once when I was so sick it was really more of an episode. When I tried to pass out so the pain would subside in unconsciousness, he knelt beside the couch and watched me try to sleep. As if I could do it with someone studying me in my total misery. If I had had any energy at that moment, I might have struck out and slugged him in the face. Instead I asked him to go away. He just retreated to the other couch and waited until I woke up.

A few weeks ago steve Anderson came over when I had a brief cold after my failed Charity to Japan event that got rained out. He brought me homemade bread. Luckily, I was already dressed in pjs and moderately presentable so I allowed him inside with the promise that once he delivered it, he’d go away and let me sleep. Even though I don’t like wheat bread or honey, I didn’t say anything and let him be kind. He stayed and talked to me while I ate. Not exactly our agreement but whatever. It was okay. But I think my feeling still stands. If you’re going to take care of someone, think about their needs, don’t only serve what you want to give. It’s nice, but… yeah.

Ow. Taking Tylonol. Why does everything have to hurt all at once?

little bullies

My youngest brother is a big kid. I mean, he’s chubby but he’s BIG. Taller than me and only 13. Kid has some massive density on him likely because of a kidney problem he’s had since birth. But he’s also VERY sensitive and sweet. Great with little kids and babies. Non-athletic and just a kind person. He was getting picked on at school, and you know schools. They can only do so much even if they are protecting kids to the best of their ability. So my parents gave my brother this word of advice: if the kids refuse to stop picking on you place your hands on their chest and PUSH. Don’t hit, just push.

You wouldn’t believe it. A teacher reported that he did just that. Some cruel kids were beating on my brother. So he put his hands on one of them and PUSHED, and with his density and previously untapped power the bully fleeeeeeeeeeeeew. XD Just once- and that’s all it took. Not one more fight since. And my little brother has been able to be the sweet boy he is inside since.

It reminds me of Ender’s game- the first chapter. When a group of bullies pick on Ender and he decides not just to win one battle- but all the rest as well when he still had a chance. So he kicks the main bully hard enough and juuuust frequently enough to put him on the ground- unwittingly killing him later on.

I kinda like the comparison that all my little brother had to do was one strong push, and the war was over.

Now if we can only improve his fine motor skills and communication skills along side his focus issues.

I'm lame. No srsly.

I have this problem perhaps you can relate.

I’m not cool enough. And by that I mean I make myself lame though whatever paranoia, laziness, or distaste possible.

So a few of my friends are going to this thing tonight that I’m invited to. A Kind of acoustic guitar, vocals, cello and whatever else they throw together. Sounds cool right? I have no desire to go. My instincts say I have too much work to do and I should be at home using my few precious hours to focus on applying for work. This job I have leaves no time for me to apply and if I ever plan anything in the evenings, it’s right after work (with sometimes no time to even pretty up) and lasts until I collapse into bed with my clothes on. So I literally have to make the choice with my time- stay home to give myself the chance to fail or succeed at being responsible.

I think most people can pick up and do things like this because they organize their time better. They say, “Hey, I can go out. I need a break anyway.” I rarely say that to myself. I don’t take breaks. I just go out when I feel a gap in time and an excess in funds.

But truth is, even if I wasn’t doing anything serious, I’d think something was. Ohhh man, I need to clean my room. Or I have been going out too much I need to save money. The truth is, if it was something I really wanted to do with people I was interested in or ones that made me feel comfortable (going out still makes me nervous) I would probably go. But I don’t want to. I do feel uncomfortable. I do feel ugly today. I would rather be by myself at home to watch youtube.

I’m lame. I’m a lame person. A homebody. A loser. A shut in. Otaku. Dork. Introvert. Fearful. Whatever.


And now you know.