dump truck

What is wrong with me?
Seriously? Well today started off bad. I can only imagine it’s going to get worse.
This week I’ve been battling a failing heart. I can’t say I’m getting worse but I can’t say I’m getting better either.

The blog ***** gave me is gone. I don’t know why. Perhaps they don’t want me to be a part of that life anymore. So, no peace from that.
I tried to call my father this morning but I only got his voicemail. Just left him a nice “I love you” message. So, no comfort there.
And for some weird reason, I can’t find the new Naruto chapter. So, not even a simple distraction.

All I can think today is whaaaaaaat eeeevaaaaaaaaah. Just wanna roll over and die. Not so much because I don’t want to live, but time in painful. I hate this waiting. Waiting until this feeling is gone.

I have a ‘date’ tonight with someone I can’t stand. Everyday I ask myself, why am I still talking to this idiot? How can I even explain what is so obnoxious about him? I get the feeling he’s using me for his own entertainment. Demanding things like, “I’m bored. Tell me something interesting.” “I’m hungry. Bring me dinner.” “You’re such a dork. You never have enough time for me.” “You’re just jealous you’ll never be as awesome as me.” Dork geek nerd stupid. I GET IT. When I try to talk to him about things that are important to me or even little things like how my day is going, he doesn’t care. He says he can’t do anything about it and it’s my business. So my life really doesn’t affect him.

I don’t know what he wants from me. One moment I’m too bizarre and the next he’s complaining I never message him first. He say’s he wants me to be his “adventure buddy”. But honestly, and I know this makes me into a horrible person- I don’t need adventure. I want security. I’ve been thrown around in life enough already. I’m not interested in trying new clubs, hiking, or constantly trying to prove how my life is interesting enough for someone else. This is why I don’t like to hang out with ‘normal’ people and tell them about the maid café. They look at me like I’m a freak. So if he thinks I’m such a freak, why does he bother talking to me? I don’t get it. So day after day I take his whiney ‘tude and abrasive foolhardy nature.

But why am I doing this to myself? I’m trying to figure it out. I’m not attracted to him. Even seeing his name pop up makes me cringe. I can acquiesce with the theory I’m terrible at leaving people. But even after this much abuse I can normally step away or hide sufficiently from a person.

But as it stands, he’s also my only regular source of conversation. Feeling lonely and miserable as I am- I’d like it if he’d be a friend I could confide in. and I keep trying to make him into something he’s not. In the end I’m left alone again. Wanting this limbo time to be over. Maybe his exploitation is preferable to being alone.

Something has to be wrong with me. Why do I have such a hard time connecting with people seriously? I like people- in general. I see them and understand them from a nice distance. At least once a day, someone asks me for help or advice or comfort and I can do that pretty well. But what makes it so impossible for me to see possibility in anyone?

This is all an emo rant I’m sure. But who the hell reads this anyway? It’s just me basically I think. If you really do keep up with this crap, I suggest you stop. Because if I was going to write about what was ‘going on’ with my life… well, I’m not going to do that. So stop looking. If you want to know how I’m ‘feeling’, this isn’t a good place to tap into that either. I have no reason to spend the time to write here if I’m feeling well or just ordinary. You have to understand this is probably just a dumping ground only for when I feel so much I can’t keep it inside anymore. The image that comes to mind is a dump truck full of dirt. And when the truck is so full up it starts to mound over the edge, I have to scrape that top stuff off- like a cup of flour. And where better to put all the excess than here?

What am I going to do? Or, what should I do?

What I will do is hide in my head, continue letting this guy abuse me, stay in this awful job, wait for the pain to go away, and keep holding my phone to my heart so I know right away when I get a text that says, “Goodnight Miss Casey. ”

Remebering I'm not Stupid

So I just got seriously talked to by Howard about my eating habits. "You don't remember the things you don't want to. You have no excuses, I know you're not stupid."

He’s right.

And I really need to find a way to stop myself from crying. Not that I did, but in the middle of his speech I think I was about to.

He’s right. It’s true I forget things and I feel stupid about it- but I don’t forget the things I care about. If my brain deems it uncomfortable, disturbing, or not worth the time of day, I’ll forget. Of course, into that black hole will sometimes slip things that I love, and the more I forget, the more good stuff leaves me. But he’s right. I’m also not stupid. I could make the time to get up in the morning and make an egg. It’s probably cheaper than the bagel everyday anyway.

I have the time, just not the discipline. Which I‘ve always loathed about myself. I think most people hate weakness in themselves but it’s always been a particular weak spot with me. If you’re new to this blog, please read the entry on marketing myself. Where was I going with this?

Ah, the only thing I hate worse than LOOKING bad is BEING bad. I was always afraid of my mother’s punishment as a kid if I didn’t do something right. So for the most part if I did something, I wouldn’t show her. Or anyone, if it wasn’t ready. And I’d slave over things until it was ready for presentation. I shouldn’t blame my vicious mother though.

So how do I make myself want to do things that are good for me? Stuff that is hard that I don’t like? Even something as simple as getting up a little earlier to make breakfast, or eating dinner (no matter what it is) as soon as I get home?

Sigh. A husband is not a regulator. A boyfriend is not an alarm clock. A friend is not discipline.

Haircut x

I had several dreams last night.

One had Kchan & Kerry. I don’t think their office really looks like a well-lit version of Apria Healthcare where I used to work the mailroom some 6 years ago. But Kchan was dressed in a pretty suit, and Kerry laughed and smiled while I sat on a copier and laughed with them. I was Happy to see Kchan so happy.

Another is I told Gilbert why I was so mad at him. *shake fist* truthfully, I don’t know if he knew what we were planning. And I wonder if it’s too late and I’ll look like a copy cat. Anyway, in the dream he said he could help our plan come life. Oh well. This is idea will probably go the way of the balloon shoot.

These two, I think, were just part of a much bigger dream. Animaid was invited to perform at a big park. But we had time to shoot the girls again in their Lolita charm dresses. But to my dismay, my bio mother came to spoil the party. Aka- ‘spend the day with me’. I really hate that woman. I remember one part when we were crossing the street she says, “HAHAhAH Casey you always sound so nervous around me. Even on the phone. What is wrong with you?! HAHAHA.” I glared at her back and wished as hard as all get out I could tell her why I sounded that way with her, and to tell her to get lost.

Hm. Snippets of John, Aino, Chiyo, more Kchan, Elle, ect. All the animaid folks. It was a big long dream. But somewhere in there I realized it was a nightmare trying to spend that much time with my mother. Never again.

Anyway. On to the main point. I’ve been wanting to come back and write in here all weekend. Hoping to put into writing (what’s the word for that? Li-something? Legate? ) how I’m feeling.

So, I cut off all my hair. Yep. Like 5 inches. Chopped. In an A-line so it’s short in the back and long on the sides. Possible reasons?

- I don’t like myself. Maybe I’m just frustrated with who I am and wanted a major change to shake up my life. Getting a hair cut that’s shorter and more stylish than I’ve ever had before is really a huge change for me.
- I miss that boy. They say to get over someone it’s good to start life fresh. Re organize your room, buy new clothes, start eating healthy…Get your hair cut. You’ll feel like a new person… is it working?
- I have no one to impress since my heart was broken. If I can’t have him, then why not ruin my life so it’s not worth having any more? Does that make sense? I’m frustrated with being lonely and misshapen. So, like any emo teenager, I took it out on my hair.
- I’m tired of compliments. This, I know most people would never understand. What’s wrong with a compliment? You know, it’s really weird. As much as I like to hear support and all that- I have no ability to accept it. It’s like that function in me is broken. My face gets all red and my brain shuts down. I’m never really sure if it’s a good thing or not considering my reaction. And growing up as you know, I was not a pretty little girl. I was funny and wise and kind. But never pretty. And NEVER hot. And now, I don’t know what to do when people tell me they want to see me with long hair. It scares me- what if I fail? So cut it off. Let me go back to just being funny.
- I needed a haircut. That’s possible. Plus, do you know how hard it is to care for long hair like mine? Ug. Takes forever. I would know- I had long hair for most of my life. I don’t really want to go back to that.

I’m almost certain no one but me will like it. And honestly, I don’t even know if I like it- I just don’t care. If I know no one else will like it, and I’m stuck with it for the next 5 months or so, then why depress myself thinking about how cute or not it is? It’s functional for sure. I don’t even need conditioner. Or a brush. That’s how short it is.

So in conjunction with all the reasons (and it could be all or none of those), I do not want to see anyone for a while. Avoid the compliments. Or non-compliments. Which are just as bad.

But Jeremy still wants to see me. I’ll like to slug him in the face these days, but I’ve already made the date. Oh well. His loss.

Onward.

Ps. I cleaned my room finally. It’s nice. Even though I think I was only able to get through it because I was so brain-dead I was only able to concentrate on one thing at a time, thus I wasn’t distracted. Also, to stay away from that boy, I’ve had to stay away from the internet. Which frees up a lot of time.

people are appalling

What makes people so awful as to be happy at other’s pain? Or sad at someone’s happiness? I supposed people are appalling anyway.

The weekend was good. A lot of fun, even with a question weighing on my heart. It could have been worse. But the water was so cold- it was numbing. Beautiful. I hate to be cold but it was so painful, it felt good. I hate crying in front of other people. I hate being confused too. I plague other people with my stupid emotions.

I used to call my dad all the time and we would sort these feelings out. but in the end the conclusion was all the same- it’ll be okay. But I trust my father so implicitly that if he says so, then it is. If he thinks it will be okay, then it will be. If he says I’m not like my mother, then I’m not. If he doesn’t think I’m a freak or a lost cause, then I’m not. I should call him soon. I think I need to believe in that stuff again.

I’m starting to resign myself to this stupid job. Perhaps if I do I won’t be so angry going in everyday. Then I won’t trick myself into getting in later and later. I can’t get out, and even if I did- where would I be? Wasting my life in some other assistant job. Frustrated and angry without the benefit of facebook and aim at my disposal.

I have a vacation hangover. My head hurts and I feel wasted. I need a super hot shower and a nice get-it-done session. I hate FHE. I’m going to skip it to get my head on straight.

It’s weird. When Eric and Joman came over last night I was confused as to wither I needed to be embarrassed about my geekdom. I know they are geeks too, but they don’t dress up. And even people who know anime pretty well consider something wrong with being a maid. I love it, I can’t deny that, but it’s always been private and a separate part of my life, what do I do with people who say they don’t see anything wrong with it? Mah, I’m just making things hard on myself. I look like a dork when I worry.

Crazy head today. I didn’t make the decision I was supposed to this weekend. Am I being over-dramatic or just extremely reasonable? I need an answer. I need a boyfriend who makes me feel like I have a future. With him and with myself. For the first time in my life I have the chance- willing and ready to give me a ‘home’ with them. In their arms, they say I’ll be safe. But- you know.

So k-chan has a new boyfriend. And it really makes me happy to see her happy. She’s smart and sassy and needs someone good for her as well as someone she really enjoys. I hope KLV is equipped to give her what she needs. And at the same time, I’m so jealous. I saw them holding hands and I watched him rub his thumb on her fingers. PANG. It was so cute I thought I’d die. In a good and bad way.

So yeah. People are sick.

A Get Away

I’m going away this weekend. I know it’s for the maidcafe but I really think I’m going to try to heal a bit. It seems like everyone is breaking up and having big upheavals of life. Maybe we could all use this to be far away from problems. It’s about the same distance from LA as Vegas, but I think this might be more suited to me.

A Vegas get-away never suited me. I’ve never been interested in clubbing more than to escape people, but it’s not the sort of thing a defenseless girl should do alone, so I haven’t. I don’t gamble and I don’t like feeling out of control of my body by drinking. And I’m sorry, the men they have there to entertain all look gay to me. And when I went with the maidcafe the WhiteGirls dressed me in this SHORTY McShort black skirt and that was uncomfortable as all get out. Luckily the SDcard that has those pictures got deleted by MAX. No evidence of my sulttery exists. As far as I know. Funny story, wearing a nice jacket didn’t save me from getting scoped. Which was…weird. Normally I don’t feel like a woman as much as I feel like a friend and a comedian/entertainer. Sexy doesn’t come into the picture as often as perhaps it should. So showing off the ‘goods’ doesn’t occur to me.

One particular moment, Aino, Deb, and I were standing in the casino chatting trying to figure out what we wanted to do -when I had a weird normal experience. I looked up and someone turned the corner and looked right at me. It was a dude- about my age, but he looked remarkably like Chris Bisente. It shocked me for a second, a second too long as it looked like I was staring for the wrong reasons XD. I immediately blushed and looked down apologetically. Wrong wrong wrong. I could feeeeeel his grin as he and his buddies passed, and detected when he glanced over his shoulder at me. He must have told his friends because not long after, they circled back- behind me. But I noticed. And so did Deb. Who immediately made Aino aware. Who promptly grabbed my hand and stormed out of the casino in a huff.

I was too embarrassed to do anything myself. Lol Weird story. I have no idea what she was so angry about and I don’t know what might have happened. But I’m just saying- Vegas is probably not a good getaway for me.

This other place, we have a hotel for two nights. Not far from the beach I think. We will be spending a majority of the day at the con working of course. I don’t mind that. But Aino and Kchan promised we’d find a mall and make me try on a bunch of clothes I probably won’t buy, try on wigs to see if I look better darker or blond or with bangs or whatever, watch a ton of anime, and eat until it hurts.

Well, that last part I put in, but I doubt Kchan would fail me there. If nothing else, we will eat.

Narrowed down emo post to:

Sigh… *wigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle…*
*sniff*

Spending my time writing apology letters in my head.
wah wah miss you.

Lost

Ever have one of those days that you feel like nothing will ever work out?
You put your whole heart into something and it was all a waste of time. You wonder if it’s worth it, if you’re worth it. If the time and hours and tears you spent are useless and pain and you’re personified nothing. You feel small and insignificant. You can’t change anything and worst, you can’t seem to change yourself. You can see it all before you and you know what you have to do but you can’t.

And I can’t control the world like I want to. I can’t control the way people see me or treat me or feel about me as much as I think I can. Maybe a little, but not enough to keep the ones I love, and put away the ones I don’t. I can’t always be what everyone needs. I try and I work really hard to know everything and to be the person you need, but I can only do so much. And it hurts to know it. To feel it. And then experience the effects.


I’ve lost people recently and I know that means that my life and heart have to change.
But it really hurts. It really hurts tonight.