Not to be vain, but I am a woman blessed with many talents.
I also need to say, it’s kinda obnoxious when someone say what talents I SHOULD be working on.
Let me lay out a list of such things I am relatively good at that people say I really need to do more often:
Draw and color art
Create for Maid Hime
Write fiction
Sew Maid/Host dolls
Voice act
Sing
Video Edit
Ballroom Dance
Update dating Blog
Work on my comic strip
Model
Cosplay
Act in theater
Play Frisbee
Reading
Make phone calls at work
Plus whatever work I’m doing for the maid café
Can you see that I don’t have time for all these things all the time? Sometimes I have to put them to the side for a few weeks, months, even years while I move forward and try to get my real life moving forward. Because shockingly, even though I have played with the idea of making many of these things my career, they are not. And in likelihood, they never will be.
So while I have worked hard to become good at many of these things- they’re a side show. A hobby. This sounds horrible but I like people to please stop lecturing me about how I am bring a shame to the craft by not participating in everything I’m good at. I need a life too. And also, please don’t feign disgust anymore when you see I can do something when it’s not always natural, I labored to nurture some of these abilities and not all of them flow from me like breath. Ever thing maybe it takes a real effort?
Y’know what, here is a list of thing people are constantly lecturing me on thing I should be learning/ doing:
Work out
Cook/Eat
Wearing more makeup
Being more organized
Play sports
Go to concerts
Hanging out/ FHE
Keep a journal
Study for the GRE
I’m bored with this list now. Time to take meds.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Frizbee
Musings today
I just had one too many go through my head and realized I had to start writing them down.
The one that just broke the camels back- it’s funny, I don’t talk about my frizbee skills very often, and I rarely join in when a game starts. But I always get a little thrill of excitement when one lands near me and they ask me to toss it back.
I bet if I paid attention I could see a look on their face that I probably get when an inexperienced girl picks up a frizbee and tries to throw it like a horizontal ball shot from a lop sided slingshot. She’ll lug the thing forward and it’ll fly maybe 10 feet and thunk to the ground in an awkward spiral that if she’s lucky will roll forward. I think that’s why girls don’t normally play Frisbee- they’re embarrassed to learn. Seems silly to me, when it requires so little energy from the body to play well. You just need to learn how.
When I was in elementary school (3rd 5th or 6th grade I can’t remember) we had a P.E. class where the instructor taught us how to throw. And I loved it. And I practiced.
When my parents were divorced and my father was still unmarried I remember playing a game in the park to relieve the enormous stress of being in the life we were living. It was called “boiling in oil”. Basically, my Dad would throw the disk to my older brother (who is about 4 years older than me and my brother who is 1.5 years younger than me) and if he dropped it, then he had 5 seconds to pick it back up before my father swooped upon us all in a tickle mess exclaiming “BOILING IN OIL!” And wither we were the victim of the attack or not didn’t matter, we were all laughing like madmen the entire time. It was my favorite game and literally one of my favorite memories (if one of the few) from that terrible time. I will always harbor a craving for Frisbee just because of that memory.
So I relish the times I get to pick up a disk; the sloping edges frayed from striking too much cement, grass stains coloring long streaks in haphazard patterns, and it’s dense weight under my slim fingers. I get a little delight when I release it toward my target- straight and even with a authority I didn’t know I had in my skinny arms. I can feel the power fly from me and I get a joy from watching it glide into the arms of a completely shocked long-time player.
At this point I shrug at their compliments and go back to what I was doing. Even though I long to join the game. Technically, I don’t have the strength to throw it as far as I’d like, to run as far as I need to, or catch effectively every time. So I can’t play with people who are serious. Normally I defer to casually teaching hotter girls than me to straighten their wrist until she feels too stupid in front of her/my friends and quits.
But it makes me laugh when a guy can’t get over what he saw. “Y’know, you’re really good. Why don’t you play with us?” “I saw you throw that thing, seriously come join our team next week.” “How come you don’t play with on Thursdays?” “We could use another person, I know you have the skills, Casey.” I just laugh and politely refuse over and over.
If the McDonald clan lacks any physical abilities (and we do), we make up for it in other ways. My older brother discovered his ability to play basketball in highschool (until he sprained his ankle) and then went on to build thin muscles in college playing Ultimate Frisbee. He nor I play anymore of course because life is full of other stuff we enjoy that take up time.
But if I had to come up with a closing thought here, I guess it would be the idea that I want to take my bookworm kids to the park and play ‘Boiling in Oil’ again to refresh us. To exhaust our bodies with running and laughter. To keep playing even when it cut your open palm. To remind them and me that we live in the world where grass grows.
I just had one too many go through my head and realized I had to start writing them down.
The one that just broke the camels back- it’s funny, I don’t talk about my frizbee skills very often, and I rarely join in when a game starts. But I always get a little thrill of excitement when one lands near me and they ask me to toss it back.
I bet if I paid attention I could see a look on their face that I probably get when an inexperienced girl picks up a frizbee and tries to throw it like a horizontal ball shot from a lop sided slingshot. She’ll lug the thing forward and it’ll fly maybe 10 feet and thunk to the ground in an awkward spiral that if she’s lucky will roll forward. I think that’s why girls don’t normally play Frisbee- they’re embarrassed to learn. Seems silly to me, when it requires so little energy from the body to play well. You just need to learn how.
When I was in elementary school (3rd 5th or 6th grade I can’t remember) we had a P.E. class where the instructor taught us how to throw. And I loved it. And I practiced.
When my parents were divorced and my father was still unmarried I remember playing a game in the park to relieve the enormous stress of being in the life we were living. It was called “boiling in oil”. Basically, my Dad would throw the disk to my older brother (who is about 4 years older than me and my brother who is 1.5 years younger than me) and if he dropped it, then he had 5 seconds to pick it back up before my father swooped upon us all in a tickle mess exclaiming “BOILING IN OIL!” And wither we were the victim of the attack or not didn’t matter, we were all laughing like madmen the entire time. It was my favorite game and literally one of my favorite memories (if one of the few) from that terrible time. I will always harbor a craving for Frisbee just because of that memory.
So I relish the times I get to pick up a disk; the sloping edges frayed from striking too much cement, grass stains coloring long streaks in haphazard patterns, and it’s dense weight under my slim fingers. I get a little delight when I release it toward my target- straight and even with a authority I didn’t know I had in my skinny arms. I can feel the power fly from me and I get a joy from watching it glide into the arms of a completely shocked long-time player.
At this point I shrug at their compliments and go back to what I was doing. Even though I long to join the game. Technically, I don’t have the strength to throw it as far as I’d like, to run as far as I need to, or catch effectively every time. So I can’t play with people who are serious. Normally I defer to casually teaching hotter girls than me to straighten their wrist until she feels too stupid in front of her/my friends and quits.
But it makes me laugh when a guy can’t get over what he saw. “Y’know, you’re really good. Why don’t you play with us?” “I saw you throw that thing, seriously come join our team next week.” “How come you don’t play with on Thursdays?” “We could use another person, I know you have the skills, Casey.” I just laugh and politely refuse over and over.
If the McDonald clan lacks any physical abilities (and we do), we make up for it in other ways. My older brother discovered his ability to play basketball in highschool (until he sprained his ankle) and then went on to build thin muscles in college playing Ultimate Frisbee. He nor I play anymore of course because life is full of other stuff we enjoy that take up time.
But if I had to come up with a closing thought here, I guess it would be the idea that I want to take my bookworm kids to the park and play ‘Boiling in Oil’ again to refresh us. To exhaust our bodies with running and laughter. To keep playing even when it cut your open palm. To remind them and me that we live in the world where grass grows.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sweet nothings
It seems as though I have had to research this too many times and gather minimal results. I figure I should probably start a collection somewhere where I can retrieve them.
List of sweet nothings:
私はあなたを味見したい
My favorite things are Chinese food, hat stores, and your hand in mine.
- You’re so much better than any guy I have ever met.
- I’m lost, can you keep me?
- I adore you.
- I love smelling the scent of you that lingers on my clothes after we part. (you mean, “go away so I can enjoy it?”)
- I get goosebumps every time you wrap your arms around me.
- When I close my eyes at night, you are all I see.
- I love the way I feel when I am with you.
- Your thoughtfulness touches me.
List of sweet nothings:
私はあなたを味見したい
My favorite things are Chinese food, hat stores, and your hand in mine.
- You’re so much better than any guy I have ever met.
- I’m lost, can you keep me?
- I adore you.
- I love smelling the scent of you that lingers on my clothes after we part. (you mean, “go away so I can enjoy it?”)
- I get goosebumps every time you wrap your arms around me.
- When I close my eyes at night, you are all I see.
- I love the way I feel when I am with you.
- Your thoughtfulness touches me.
Friday, June 10, 2011
I'm there for you
I know it's something I picked up from my father, but have I even mentioned how much I hate the term, "There for you"? It means nothing. It’s a bad pet peeve of mine to have a problem with people who are nice for themselves rather than being nice for others.
Being available to give help to a friend isn’t such a terrible thing and I should never get upset by the offer. It’s just this horrible tweak I have. I should probably get it fixed for my own sake. At least for now I’m learning to keep my mouth shut. I can dislike anything I want as long as I don’t say so or act or it or punish someone for feeling differently.
But I think I can safely say here- I hate that phrase used selfishly.
My friend is having an emotional trauma. Not from anything that happened really or anything that’s fixable. It’s just one of those times in life where to do want to do anything or see anyone. There is no cure for your uncomfortably and everyone wants to help- but they can’t. And when you’re in that state, you don’t want anyone to try because it just makes it worse to remind yourself that they can’t. It’s just a cycle of depression that happens to some people when they grow up- around 21 I find. This friend of mine confided in me and I know they’ll be okay. But our mutual friend wants to ‘help’. And won’t drop it.
I tried to protect my friend by telling others just give it some time. but no. “Kind” people cannot relax until they feel they have acted the part of the hero. They squirm in themselves until they can proudly declare, “I’m there for you!” and their duty is done. They’re there. Well great. We know you’re there. The problem is you won’t go away. And some people have it in their minds that they have the ultimate solution. Go on a walk, take a bath, watch porn, eat more sweet things, ect. What I really hate is when people won’t quit until they feel like they’ve solved it for you. They MUST be the hero.
Have you ever felt that way? Just leave me alone. That’s what I want. That’s what I need. And I need a friend who understands that not everything can be solved the same way for every person. I want someone to say that even though it’s not okay now- it will be in the future- freaking out about making sure everything is hunky dory… and worse, when we have to make things right RIGHT NOW it’s only YOUR world that’s beautiful again. Not mine.
Have you ever had to grin and thank someone when you’re at your worst so that THEY feel good again? Seriously, you feel like crap and yet the people who claim to “be there for you” are asking for you to serve them a little more.
So they finally leave you alone, but don’t you think it’s a lot more helpful to do what your friends ask and wait patiently outside the door?
I tried to explain this. But in the end, of course, my friend had to put on a BIG FAKE GRIN so the hero would feel like he did his job. And the hero says to me, “I’m glad I can be there for them.” Makes me want to smack him. Smack him for making someone feel more alone by satisfying his own need to feel important and involved.
This is what makes me a difficult woman. I am difficult- I must be. I over think everything. If I was stupid maybe I wouldn’t notice the inherent self-centered motives. Maybe If I was stupid, I’d be happier. Sometimes it makes me want to give myself brain damage. And screw whatever benefits my deep heart and creative mind might have given me. Is it worth all this confusion? I have to marry someone smarter than me so they’ll know that I’m not just crazy and unreasonable. Maybe someone will be able to look at me intelligently and see who I am underneath the complications. And they won’t think I’m vain or selfish.
Or get bored.
Being available to give help to a friend isn’t such a terrible thing and I should never get upset by the offer. It’s just this horrible tweak I have. I should probably get it fixed for my own sake. At least for now I’m learning to keep my mouth shut. I can dislike anything I want as long as I don’t say so or act or it or punish someone for feeling differently.
But I think I can safely say here- I hate that phrase used selfishly.
My friend is having an emotional trauma. Not from anything that happened really or anything that’s fixable. It’s just one of those times in life where to do want to do anything or see anyone. There is no cure for your uncomfortably and everyone wants to help- but they can’t. And when you’re in that state, you don’t want anyone to try because it just makes it worse to remind yourself that they can’t. It’s just a cycle of depression that happens to some people when they grow up- around 21 I find. This friend of mine confided in me and I know they’ll be okay. But our mutual friend wants to ‘help’. And won’t drop it.
I tried to protect my friend by telling others just give it some time. but no. “Kind” people cannot relax until they feel they have acted the part of the hero. They squirm in themselves until they can proudly declare, “I’m there for you!” and their duty is done. They’re there. Well great. We know you’re there. The problem is you won’t go away. And some people have it in their minds that they have the ultimate solution. Go on a walk, take a bath, watch porn, eat more sweet things, ect. What I really hate is when people won’t quit until they feel like they’ve solved it for you. They MUST be the hero.
Have you ever felt that way? Just leave me alone. That’s what I want. That’s what I need. And I need a friend who understands that not everything can be solved the same way for every person. I want someone to say that even though it’s not okay now- it will be in the future- freaking out about making sure everything is hunky dory… and worse, when we have to make things right RIGHT NOW it’s only YOUR world that’s beautiful again. Not mine.
Have you ever had to grin and thank someone when you’re at your worst so that THEY feel good again? Seriously, you feel like crap and yet the people who claim to “be there for you” are asking for you to serve them a little more.
So they finally leave you alone, but don’t you think it’s a lot more helpful to do what your friends ask and wait patiently outside the door?
I tried to explain this. But in the end, of course, my friend had to put on a BIG FAKE GRIN so the hero would feel like he did his job. And the hero says to me, “I’m glad I can be there for them.” Makes me want to smack him. Smack him for making someone feel more alone by satisfying his own need to feel important and involved.
This is what makes me a difficult woman. I am difficult- I must be. I over think everything. If I was stupid maybe I wouldn’t notice the inherent self-centered motives. Maybe If I was stupid, I’d be happier. Sometimes it makes me want to give myself brain damage. And screw whatever benefits my deep heart and creative mind might have given me. Is it worth all this confusion? I have to marry someone smarter than me so they’ll know that I’m not just crazy and unreasonable. Maybe someone will be able to look at me intelligently and see who I am underneath the complications. And they won’t think I’m vain or selfish.
Or get bored.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Gaunt is my new word
“Oh what the hell,” she says, “I just can’t win for losing.” And she lays back down.
Interesting phone conversations I overheard in the bathroom at work this morning.
One woman who was in there when I arrived was saying, “Do I remember the date of the incident? I don’t think so. But I have been taking anger management classes and today is my last day. Yes, I’ll hold.”
When she left, another woman came in on her cell phone, “You are the biological father. A part of your body helped make this kid and I need your help. You need to support this child.”
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I need a shower and some mochi icecream balls. Y’know what use to make me instantly happy? Beef and Broccoli. I have no idea why, it works better than chocolate. But my dissatisfaction with life is deeper these days than what can be solved with taking me out to eat. This has been such a rough year. And I looked at myself in the mirror this morning anf I realized even my face is skinnier. It’s not attractive. My skin looks grey. No wonder Masato left me after he got back. O.o
Lol, I only partically take that back. I know he has the ability to be with a girl for a long period of time. and the issues between us don’t always seem to be between HIM and Me. more often than not it’s him fighting himself, and me myself. And sometimes it’s just fighting cultures. He doesn’t like that I tell him my opinion. He says that a man should be head of the house and his previous girlfriends might know he’s wrong- but they don’t point it out.
I’m wasting too much time thinking about this.
And now AX café… more later.
Interesting phone conversations I overheard in the bathroom at work this morning.
One woman who was in there when I arrived was saying, “Do I remember the date of the incident? I don’t think so. But I have been taking anger management classes and today is my last day. Yes, I’ll hold.”
When she left, another woman came in on her cell phone, “You are the biological father. A part of your body helped make this kid and I need your help. You need to support this child.”
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I need a shower and some mochi icecream balls. Y’know what use to make me instantly happy? Beef and Broccoli. I have no idea why, it works better than chocolate. But my dissatisfaction with life is deeper these days than what can be solved with taking me out to eat. This has been such a rough year. And I looked at myself in the mirror this morning anf I realized even my face is skinnier. It’s not attractive. My skin looks grey. No wonder Masato left me after he got back. O.o
Lol, I only partically take that back. I know he has the ability to be with a girl for a long period of time. and the issues between us don’t always seem to be between HIM and Me. more often than not it’s him fighting himself, and me myself. And sometimes it’s just fighting cultures. He doesn’t like that I tell him my opinion. He says that a man should be head of the house and his previous girlfriends might know he’s wrong- but they don’t point it out.
I’m wasting too much time thinking about this.
And now AX café… more later.
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